Hey "guys", who even exists on this blog anways haha.
So weird, I believe I started this blog... what four or five years ago now? All I know is, its been incredible. I can't believe to this day I still constantly write and document my surroundings, my feelings, my life. Sure, I havent posted in a long while, but I never stopped writing, I can tell you that. I've found inspiration in my surroundings, but my writing has become a lot darker, so I chose not to share it. Listen, if you wrote a three part poem about the song you sing to the angel of death for her to come release you from the pain of a physical bodied life; you're friends wouldn't be too excited knowing that's what inspired you.... it was the season of american horror story don't hate my unoriginal ideasssssss!!!
But seriously, did "you" (and i put you in quotation marks because im pretty sure you is me and me is who I'm writing to... unless this thing actually has readers...LOL jk) think that I would just stop? wouldn't finish slowly documenting every miserably beautiful moment of my 21 years of existence on this planet? NAY NAY.
But whats funny is reading back and disagreeing with my old thoughts. I was so uneducated.... Who was it who said the more I learn about the world the more I realize I know nothing? who wasss iiiittt..... this is rattling my brain i refuse to go look it up.... the dude!!!!!
the one who taught plato~~!! you know the guy.... SOCRATEEESSSS!!!
Nailed it. the more i learn, the less i know.
Well, my blog about women president KILLED me. wow how uneducated was I?
Anyways, listen. I stopped writing here because my life became a think I didn't want to document. I had a rough patch. My adventures seemed meaningless, my life became just the same as everyone elses. 2015 was SHYT.
BUT HEYYYYY, im back. for the better. or maybe the worse. I already have an idea for a big classic justine rant like in the old days. but that'll come tomorrow :) for now, ariverdatchy ( what) goodbye, goodnight, kisses, squishes, and big ol fishes.
just wanted to thank you so much for supporting me, you're the reason im coming back to this - you know who you are.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
The Knock on Your Door - poems by jus
Here is a poem I wrote while I was away in Israel, after meeting the soldiers.
The Knock On Your Door by: Justine Frankel
He carries his gun,
So strong and so proud,
While way back at home,
She's crying out loud.
He fights for his country,
Does what he thinks is right,
While she's awake worried,
All day and all night.
His head is now shaved,
All he hears is her voice,
Saying "Wish you didn't have to go,
I wish you had a choice".
He had said his goodbye,
Just two months ago,
And that she'd be better off,
If she just let him go.
She clings to his picture,
In her shaking hands,
He's out there somewhere,
Crawling in foreign sands.
She can't let him go,
She's under his spells,
He's running for his life,
Avoiding dropping shells.
More months go bye,
Their hearts feel sore,
All she really wants,
Is his knock on her door.
"I miss you, I need you",
She writes him that day,
He writes back "one month more,
And I'll be home to stay"
That knock on her door,
Came a day early by two,
They handed her his chains,
And a letter marked "To You"
"The decision was hard,
To leave a world that had you,
My love, we were strong,
And that will always be true.
"My country, they needed me,
But you needed me more,
I'm sorry I'm not there,
To knock on your door.
"I thought about you each day,
Dream't about you each night,
But it had been time,
To make my final plight.
"So wipe off those tears,
Please baby, don't cry,
From your fallen soldier,
I love you, goodbye".
The Knock On Your Door by: Justine Frankel
He carries his gun,
So strong and so proud,
While way back at home,
She's crying out loud.
He fights for his country,
Does what he thinks is right,
While she's awake worried,
All day and all night.
His head is now shaved,
All he hears is her voice,
Saying "Wish you didn't have to go,
I wish you had a choice".
He had said his goodbye,
Just two months ago,
And that she'd be better off,
If she just let him go.
She clings to his picture,
In her shaking hands,
He's out there somewhere,
Crawling in foreign sands.
She can't let him go,
She's under his spells,
He's running for his life,
Avoiding dropping shells.
More months go bye,
Their hearts feel sore,
All she really wants,
Is his knock on her door.
"I miss you, I need you",
She writes him that day,
He writes back "one month more,
And I'll be home to stay"
That knock on her door,
Came a day early by two,
They handed her his chains,
And a letter marked "To You"
"The decision was hard,
To leave a world that had you,
My love, we were strong,
And that will always be true.
"My country, they needed me,
But you needed me more,
I'm sorry I'm not there,
To knock on your door.
"I thought about you each day,
Dream't about you each night,
But it had been time,
To make my final plight.
"So wipe off those tears,
Please baby, don't cry,
From your fallen soldier,
I love you, goodbye".
a world's away
So, about two weeks ago, I got back from the greatest place I've ever been. I went on a taglit birthright experience, and I got to see Israel from a point of view that I don't think a lot of people would understand. We took hikes, but it wasnt all sweat and nice views, we learnt about the people who've walked these woods, these paths, before us, thousands of years ago. We learnt about war and peace and love and hate. About people coming together, and people ripping apart.
while I was away, I wrote every day, multiple times a day, about my experiences, about things we just did and are going to do. I wrote a lot about the wonderful people I met, and the experiences I got to live. The part that inspired me the most was my Mifgash (hebrew word for Encounter) with the Israeli youth in the army.
If you didn't know this, at 18 years old, Israeli's are enlisted in the IDF and have to serve their country. Boys for three years, and girls for two (and i emphasize BOYS & GIRLS not MEN & WOMEN cause they are so young). They undergo certain tests to place them in a good spot or something suited for them, and then they have training, and service. To me, as noble as it is, Its gotta be damn scary. When I was 18, I was smoking weed and skipping class, and they, they don't have those choices.
In the IDF, you have a lot of strict rules. For men, if your beard isn't for a religious or medical (?) condition, you cannot keep it long. If you put two fingers together around the base of your hair and its longer than your fingers, gotta cut your hair. you have to keep a dogtag in your boot and on you at all times. and thats just what i've learnt, there are so many more. For women? Hair always tied up and out of face, nail polish ONLY if its light light pink or white, no makeup, no jewlery. Nobody can bring their phones to work and have to be careful, no drinking or smoking, or else military prison (and your time in prison isnt a part of your service, so you still have to complete the time you spent in prison, in the military). If you even hold hands, you can get in a lot of trouble.
Theres just an explanation of what I know, so far... And the crazy thing is? when we first started talking, we as a group were all uneasy and felt a little odd, but honestly as soon as they changed out of their uniforms, we almost didn't recognize them as soldiers, they dressed and acted just like us, a bunch of savages (in a good way), fun to be around, to party with, jam with, hangout and talk with. The relationships we formed with these young soldiers are unbreakable. They literally, are, just, like, us. Most of them were even younger than I was, although I believe two of them were my age.
learning about their experiences and jobs (well, what they can tell us) is amazing. they make terrrrribleeeee wage, like equivalent to 300 or 400$ canadian a month. But they all do it together, and they serve their country together. What surprised me the MOST, was the first day we met them, we asked all of them "when is your service done, and are you excited to be done?" and they ALLLLL said YESSSS. they all can't wait to be done with the army. One of them even hated the army, hated the wars and the killing. She couldn't stand her job, and how it was taken so lightly. But its true, its scary. You never know when something bad could happen when you're surrounded by countries that hate you and each other.
We got five days with them, aand thats all it took, we all fell in love with the soldiers because of how great they were. All super nice, super fun and have a lot of the same interests. I got to know two a lot better than the other six, and I gotta say, I don't ever want that relationship to end. They are beautiful people, inside and ESPECIALLY OUTSIDE HOT DAMN ISRAELI'S ARE HOT (sry hahaha). I'm just lucky to have met them. They changed my perspective on how israelis are and how soldiers are, how we all assumed they would be aggressive and angry-ish and strong willed, they'd be more serious or more cheesy, when they were just like us. I wonder what they thought of Canadians before meeting us, probably nothing, its only the canadians and americans who expect worse of everyone they meet :p
One thing that I deemed really important though, its our Medic (wont mention names), he spoke to the group after the Israelis left us. He was a little peeved because the way THOSE soldiers spoke about it, it seemed like all the soldiers are mad that they're in the army, and resent the rule that they had to be, and cant wait to leave and such. He wanted us to know (he had been in the army- in special forces - fucking badassssss) that not everyone feels the same. He was excited and felt proud to be enlisted in the IDF, and he, along with many others, didn't leave after his service was finished. Sometimes you gain a sort of nobility and pride in what you do, and he was so proud to serve, and he knew he could leave when he wanted, but he felt that wasn't right to do, nor did he want to do it. Which brings up a good point, that not everyone feels it's "forced" upon them, more that its an honor they get to receive.
Another little anecdote is one of the soldiers that I got close to, we were walking together the last day we'd get to spend together, and I was feeling very sad that they were leaving the next day. And I asked him are you sad to be leaving us? did you have fun on your taglit trip? all that stuff, and he loved the group and had an amazing time, but he was half looking forward to going back, because he felt a guilt for leaving his base and his fellow soldiers. could you believe that? after like a year of service, they give this guy pretty much five days off (they only get 15 days off in the year) to hangout, meet new people, learn about a new culture, and he took it (of course) but he felt bad. He knew there were things going on that he could be helping with, but instead he was here enjoying himself. That has gotta be heavy on the heart, feeeling guilty cause you're having fun and your mates aren't.
All in all, I'll keep writing about my experiences as I re-read my travel journal, but this was one I needed to write about, maybe because I felt so strongly, or maybe because I just wanted to share and bring awareness to anyone who reads this particular post. but it was important to me to say it. and next up, I wrote a poem while i was away, and I wanted to share it with you guys; so i'll write it up in my next post. :) xo
while I was away, I wrote every day, multiple times a day, about my experiences, about things we just did and are going to do. I wrote a lot about the wonderful people I met, and the experiences I got to live. The part that inspired me the most was my Mifgash (hebrew word for Encounter) with the Israeli youth in the army.
If you didn't know this, at 18 years old, Israeli's are enlisted in the IDF and have to serve their country. Boys for three years, and girls for two (and i emphasize BOYS & GIRLS not MEN & WOMEN cause they are so young). They undergo certain tests to place them in a good spot or something suited for them, and then they have training, and service. To me, as noble as it is, Its gotta be damn scary. When I was 18, I was smoking weed and skipping class, and they, they don't have those choices.
In the IDF, you have a lot of strict rules. For men, if your beard isn't for a religious or medical (?) condition, you cannot keep it long. If you put two fingers together around the base of your hair and its longer than your fingers, gotta cut your hair. you have to keep a dogtag in your boot and on you at all times. and thats just what i've learnt, there are so many more. For women? Hair always tied up and out of face, nail polish ONLY if its light light pink or white, no makeup, no jewlery. Nobody can bring their phones to work and have to be careful, no drinking or smoking, or else military prison (and your time in prison isnt a part of your service, so you still have to complete the time you spent in prison, in the military). If you even hold hands, you can get in a lot of trouble.
Theres just an explanation of what I know, so far... And the crazy thing is? when we first started talking, we as a group were all uneasy and felt a little odd, but honestly as soon as they changed out of their uniforms, we almost didn't recognize them as soldiers, they dressed and acted just like us, a bunch of savages (in a good way), fun to be around, to party with, jam with, hangout and talk with. The relationships we formed with these young soldiers are unbreakable. They literally, are, just, like, us. Most of them were even younger than I was, although I believe two of them were my age.
learning about their experiences and jobs (well, what they can tell us) is amazing. they make terrrrribleeeee wage, like equivalent to 300 or 400$ canadian a month. But they all do it together, and they serve their country together. What surprised me the MOST, was the first day we met them, we asked all of them "when is your service done, and are you excited to be done?" and they ALLLLL said YESSSS. they all can't wait to be done with the army. One of them even hated the army, hated the wars and the killing. She couldn't stand her job, and how it was taken so lightly. But its true, its scary. You never know when something bad could happen when you're surrounded by countries that hate you and each other.
We got five days with them, aand thats all it took, we all fell in love with the soldiers because of how great they were. All super nice, super fun and have a lot of the same interests. I got to know two a lot better than the other six, and I gotta say, I don't ever want that relationship to end. They are beautiful people, inside and ESPECIALLY OUTSIDE HOT DAMN ISRAELI'S ARE HOT (sry hahaha). I'm just lucky to have met them. They changed my perspective on how israelis are and how soldiers are, how we all assumed they would be aggressive and angry-ish and strong willed, they'd be more serious or more cheesy, when they were just like us. I wonder what they thought of Canadians before meeting us, probably nothing, its only the canadians and americans who expect worse of everyone they meet :p
One thing that I deemed really important though, its our Medic (wont mention names), he spoke to the group after the Israelis left us. He was a little peeved because the way THOSE soldiers spoke about it, it seemed like all the soldiers are mad that they're in the army, and resent the rule that they had to be, and cant wait to leave and such. He wanted us to know (he had been in the army- in special forces - fucking badassssss) that not everyone feels the same. He was excited and felt proud to be enlisted in the IDF, and he, along with many others, didn't leave after his service was finished. Sometimes you gain a sort of nobility and pride in what you do, and he was so proud to serve, and he knew he could leave when he wanted, but he felt that wasn't right to do, nor did he want to do it. Which brings up a good point, that not everyone feels it's "forced" upon them, more that its an honor they get to receive.
Another little anecdote is one of the soldiers that I got close to, we were walking together the last day we'd get to spend together, and I was feeling very sad that they were leaving the next day. And I asked him are you sad to be leaving us? did you have fun on your taglit trip? all that stuff, and he loved the group and had an amazing time, but he was half looking forward to going back, because he felt a guilt for leaving his base and his fellow soldiers. could you believe that? after like a year of service, they give this guy pretty much five days off (they only get 15 days off in the year) to hangout, meet new people, learn about a new culture, and he took it (of course) but he felt bad. He knew there were things going on that he could be helping with, but instead he was here enjoying himself. That has gotta be heavy on the heart, feeeling guilty cause you're having fun and your mates aren't.
All in all, I'll keep writing about my experiences as I re-read my travel journal, but this was one I needed to write about, maybe because I felt so strongly, or maybe because I just wanted to share and bring awareness to anyone who reads this particular post. but it was important to me to say it. and next up, I wrote a poem while i was away, and I wanted to share it with you guys; so i'll write it up in my next post. :) xo
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Abandoned Life
I wrote this last week, but forgot to post it. I had been out with my friend and went exploring in random abandoned buildings. I wrote this while on the roof of one of them, looking at downtown montreal lights from above.
don't know if i could die out here.
im terrified, i can barely type. im shaking no no seriously im shaking.
i lost count after 10 stories, didn't want to count anymore. this is my first time exploring buildings, and im terrified. we had to run, hide, wear dark clothes.. caught by security can result in arrest. so we get here and were running low and im already like wtf get me out of here, and my friend tells me to put on my gloves and mask, cause the rust is narsty hard to breath in there and yeah. so were sneaking and climbing through shit, and we get inside. turn on flashlights, you hear nothing but the sound of heavy breathing (me), and footsteps (us) inside. were dead silent. rusty stairs made me cry haha. now that i think about that im laughing. i was sure the entire place would break down and we'd die, so i cried a lot on the way up, had a few episodes of "NOPE NOPE NOT GOING ANYMORE". my poor friend will never do this with me again, but its my first time so give me a break dudes. So finally on the last floor and i just cant anymore i sit there and say no you go on the roof ill wait here, ill wait here. my friend goes, and comes back and is like dude u have to come dont say you came all the way up scared as shit wont even go on the roof? and i was like nahh g nahh cant cant cant. but finally he made me do it, and here i am! :O so. worth. it. thats all i have to say. im jsut up here and im thinking wow dude, this is something i would NEVER do. justine frankel, in a situation she would never ever do. my friend the previous day said to me "how do you feel about the idea that you can get seriously injured or even die, thats the worst that can happen" and i was like "fuck yeah bring it on" and guess what? i did it. i feared for my life at a few points, had to be super careful of where i was standing and stuff, had to inch a bit and almost even fell, but i wasnt an idiot, and i wasnt drunk, so i was good. Its beautiful up here, and i feel triumphant. i feel like i havent ever felt. this is amazing. im taking picutres when im done writing, im gona lay here and stare at stars, or just scream (nah i cant or security will see us). yeah, so anyways. i just thought writing this needed to happen, because when i look back, i need to know i documented how i feel right now in this moment, total peace jus. nirvana is the roof of this building thats about to fall apart. that i could fall off of at any moment if i just leaned a little too much forward. the skyline is beautiful, the world, its just wow, beautiful. and sometimes you just need to see a different angle, to realize how petty everything else is. just like how i felt in europe, how i'll feel in israel, and how i feel right now. i god damn love this planet. i hope you all get to experience this one day. its absolutely perfect. im in pain and im scared and i had to go through gross shit to get here, but its all worth it. and now ill have to travel down haha didnt even think of that. ahh well, i did one way, i can certainly do the other. stay sweet! xx
don't know if i could die out here.
im terrified, i can barely type. im shaking no no seriously im shaking.
i lost count after 10 stories, didn't want to count anymore. this is my first time exploring buildings, and im terrified. we had to run, hide, wear dark clothes.. caught by security can result in arrest. so we get here and were running low and im already like wtf get me out of here, and my friend tells me to put on my gloves and mask, cause the rust is narsty hard to breath in there and yeah. so were sneaking and climbing through shit, and we get inside. turn on flashlights, you hear nothing but the sound of heavy breathing (me), and footsteps (us) inside. were dead silent. rusty stairs made me cry haha. now that i think about that im laughing. i was sure the entire place would break down and we'd die, so i cried a lot on the way up, had a few episodes of "NOPE NOPE NOT GOING ANYMORE". my poor friend will never do this with me again, but its my first time so give me a break dudes. So finally on the last floor and i just cant anymore i sit there and say no you go on the roof ill wait here, ill wait here. my friend goes, and comes back and is like dude u have to come dont say you came all the way up scared as shit wont even go on the roof? and i was like nahh g nahh cant cant cant. but finally he made me do it, and here i am! :O so. worth. it. thats all i have to say. im jsut up here and im thinking wow dude, this is something i would NEVER do. justine frankel, in a situation she would never ever do. my friend the previous day said to me "how do you feel about the idea that you can get seriously injured or even die, thats the worst that can happen" and i was like "fuck yeah bring it on" and guess what? i did it. i feared for my life at a few points, had to be super careful of where i was standing and stuff, had to inch a bit and almost even fell, but i wasnt an idiot, and i wasnt drunk, so i was good. Its beautiful up here, and i feel triumphant. i feel like i havent ever felt. this is amazing. im taking picutres when im done writing, im gona lay here and stare at stars, or just scream (nah i cant or security will see us). yeah, so anyways. i just thought writing this needed to happen, because when i look back, i need to know i documented how i feel right now in this moment, total peace jus. nirvana is the roof of this building thats about to fall apart. that i could fall off of at any moment if i just leaned a little too much forward. the skyline is beautiful, the world, its just wow, beautiful. and sometimes you just need to see a different angle, to realize how petty everything else is. just like how i felt in europe, how i'll feel in israel, and how i feel right now. i god damn love this planet. i hope you all get to experience this one day. its absolutely perfect. im in pain and im scared and i had to go through gross shit to get here, but its all worth it. and now ill have to travel down haha didnt even think of that. ahh well, i did one way, i can certainly do the other. stay sweet! xx
Forgive Me If Im Wrong - poems by jus
When we were young,
Just barely two,
The teachers taught us,
What we should do.
Just barely two,
The teachers taught us,
What we should do.
When we do something hurtful,
Or make someone real sad,
If we don't appologie,
it makes them feel bad.
Or make someone real sad,
If we don't appologie,
it makes them feel bad.
We were always taught,
That we shouldnt be mean,
But if we are, we appologize,
makes a messy sitch clean.
That we shouldnt be mean,
But if we are, we appologize,
makes a messy sitch clean.
But we face everyday,
One that feels no remorse,
Who will say all the worst things,
And wont run off course.
One that feels no remorse,
Who will say all the worst things,
And wont run off course.
They judge you everyday,
Make your world appear small,
If only this mean voice,
would say nothing at all.
Make your world appear small,
If only this mean voice,
would say nothing at all.
They tell you what you cant do,
and laugh at what you can,
They know everything about you,
And their you're least favorite fan.
and laugh at what you can,
They know everything about you,
And their you're least favorite fan.
You know who I speak of,
That great enemy,
Who judges you the worst,
And you wish to be free.
That great enemy,
Who judges you the worst,
And you wish to be free.
The enemy lives inside,
each of us every day.
we are our own worst crittict,
is what my mom used to say.
each of us every day.
we are our own worst crittict,
is what my mom used to say.
So we can forgive the kids,
Who called us names in the snow,
But whos the worst to us all?
Look in a mirror, you'll know.
Who called us names in the snow,
But whos the worst to us all?
Look in a mirror, you'll know.
How can we learn to say sorry,
To who treats us the worst,
We know ourselves much too well,
Its a gift and a curse.
To who treats us the worst,
We know ourselves much too well,
Its a gift and a curse.
We look at ourselves in bad light,
We treat our bodies the same,
As if this precious life,
Is just one big long game.
We treat our bodies the same,
As if this precious life,
Is just one big long game.
When it comes to the end,
When everyone goes,
The only way to find happiness,
Is right under your nose
When everyone goes,
The only way to find happiness,
Is right under your nose
If we learn to say sorry,
For when we called ourselves wrong,
For the 'your fat, ugly, and stupid'
For when lost our own song.
For when we called ourselves wrong,
For the 'your fat, ugly, and stupid'
For when lost our own song.
When we can finally say sorry,
For the harm that we brought,
We'll be able to find,
The peace of mind that we sought.
Love yourself and your flaws,
It'll go the extra mile,
And remember, never frown,
Cause someone loves when you smile.
21
smileena, this is for you, so thankful that you care about my writing and look forward to my posts, mad love to you girl, you keep me young xoxox-
so,
been a while since i posted, and i keep saying at the end of my post that im going to write more, but fact of the matter is, its hard.
^ thats where i start. "its hard, i have no time". dudes, i got mad time. i watch mad netflix.
today feels different though. something about today makes me not want to sit around and be useless.
hey, i turned 21 on saturday, and it made me super happy, then pretty eh, then sad.
when i was a kid, i wrote, like i wrote stories beyond my wildest imagination. i was almost like an inventor; new ideas always cooking up in my head, trying all sorts of new and crazy things. I find that as we get older, and as we become more experienced with life, this beautiful blind optimism and innocence leaves. of course it does, because the world is an awful place with terrible humans, but when we're kids, we don't know, or we don't seem to care.
so i was thinking about what changed, what could have changed from childhood that made me so cynical, that made me not who i used to be. I mean yeah, im still me, but theres a lot missing, a lot of the beauty and quirkiness that made me.. well, me. had dissapeared. i spend so much time in my room living vicariously through the characters on my netflix binges. i cry and i laugh and i live along with them, and its beautiful, until the show ends, the credits role, and i close my computer, becoming instantaneously immersed into reality. its almost like when the sun shines in your eyes for the first time in a day, you want to put your hands over your eyes and squint, and tell someone to put the brightness away, you want to crawl back in your hole and be alone a few more minutes. well, when i realized how much this had become my life, i wanted it to stop, i still do want it to stop. I still bingewatch netflix-lets be real- i missed the old justine.
the breakup has had a tole on me man, that was my first realization, so i stopped stalking old ex's (WE ALL DO IT AFTER A BREAKUP DONT JUDGE ME) and seeing how great their lives were, and i started focusing on how great my life was, is, and will be. Yesterday, i was with my friends and one of them said that we've seen eachother so much in the past little while. Since January, I've spent so much time with my girl friends. I don't know if you know this, (maybe from old blog posts -reference "the turning point in my life" i believe- , or just me if you know me) but i was never a girly girl. I never had a lot of girl-friends, besides the odd ones, and never had that tight knit group. well i did, but they were mostly guys. still, i find myself spending more time fucking around with the guys then doing... girl things (?) with the girls. but for the last few years my life, after high school(besides the guy i was dating, cause i dont want it to come off like he was the fault of me being fucked- just self issues) our lives had all been very tough. all of us, my best friends. all in their own way needed eachother, and we started to get closer and closer. I am proud and honored to mention my three best friends jess caitie and cara. since january those girls have been my life, we see eachother at least once a week, and usually more. I love them to death, and they keep me sane.
- -- - - -- -- - side note that could be why i havent written as much, i got them :$ -
omg realization okay guys lightbulb.
I write to complain right? right.
well, most girls compalin to their friends, and i feel like now i finally have these girls and we all talk mad shit and like hate everyone but we love everyone but we just are so close its amazing, i never need to complain because i dump my shit on them, and they do the same. They will never know, ever, how much i appreciate them, and love them, no matter how many times i say it, type it, anything, it doesnt amount to half the love and respect and just compassion i have for those three girls.
What im realizing is that the old you never really goes away, i mean i wrote about what i knew when i was a kid, and that was fairytales about princesses who didnt know they were going to worlds of candy and meeting interesting folk on the way, traveling in sneaker shaped cars and such, but now i write about what i know, and thats true friendship and comfort where I am.
I miss writing, once i get started, i can never stop. 21 is going to be an interesting year, but i think its the year i want to take to grow up. to stop leaving my room a mess every day (that aint gona happen), to work out and be healthy not to lose weight but to feel good, to go on more adventures (omg i have to post my other post - its in my drafts that just reminded me), to meet more people so i can write about it all. most of all, i wanna do something beautiful in Israel. I can't wait to post pictures and write about my adventures and post them here for you guys to see. (if there are readers.... IM LOOKING AT U SMILEENA I KNOW U READ DIS :p )
xo - jus
so,
been a while since i posted, and i keep saying at the end of my post that im going to write more, but fact of the matter is, its hard.
^ thats where i start. "its hard, i have no time". dudes, i got mad time. i watch mad netflix.
today feels different though. something about today makes me not want to sit around and be useless.
hey, i turned 21 on saturday, and it made me super happy, then pretty eh, then sad.
when i was a kid, i wrote, like i wrote stories beyond my wildest imagination. i was almost like an inventor; new ideas always cooking up in my head, trying all sorts of new and crazy things. I find that as we get older, and as we become more experienced with life, this beautiful blind optimism and innocence leaves. of course it does, because the world is an awful place with terrible humans, but when we're kids, we don't know, or we don't seem to care.
so i was thinking about what changed, what could have changed from childhood that made me so cynical, that made me not who i used to be. I mean yeah, im still me, but theres a lot missing, a lot of the beauty and quirkiness that made me.. well, me. had dissapeared. i spend so much time in my room living vicariously through the characters on my netflix binges. i cry and i laugh and i live along with them, and its beautiful, until the show ends, the credits role, and i close my computer, becoming instantaneously immersed into reality. its almost like when the sun shines in your eyes for the first time in a day, you want to put your hands over your eyes and squint, and tell someone to put the brightness away, you want to crawl back in your hole and be alone a few more minutes. well, when i realized how much this had become my life, i wanted it to stop, i still do want it to stop. I still bingewatch netflix-lets be real- i missed the old justine.
the breakup has had a tole on me man, that was my first realization, so i stopped stalking old ex's (WE ALL DO IT AFTER A BREAKUP DONT JUDGE ME) and seeing how great their lives were, and i started focusing on how great my life was, is, and will be. Yesterday, i was with my friends and one of them said that we've seen eachother so much in the past little while. Since January, I've spent so much time with my girl friends. I don't know if you know this, (maybe from old blog posts -reference "the turning point in my life" i believe- , or just me if you know me) but i was never a girly girl. I never had a lot of girl-friends, besides the odd ones, and never had that tight knit group. well i did, but they were mostly guys. still, i find myself spending more time fucking around with the guys then doing... girl things (?) with the girls. but for the last few years my life, after high school(besides the guy i was dating, cause i dont want it to come off like he was the fault of me being fucked- just self issues) our lives had all been very tough. all of us, my best friends. all in their own way needed eachother, and we started to get closer and closer. I am proud and honored to mention my three best friends jess caitie and cara. since january those girls have been my life, we see eachother at least once a week, and usually more. I love them to death, and they keep me sane.
- -- - - -- -- - side note that could be why i havent written as much, i got them :$ -
omg realization okay guys lightbulb.
I write to complain right? right.
well, most girls compalin to their friends, and i feel like now i finally have these girls and we all talk mad shit and like hate everyone but we love everyone but we just are so close its amazing, i never need to complain because i dump my shit on them, and they do the same. They will never know, ever, how much i appreciate them, and love them, no matter how many times i say it, type it, anything, it doesnt amount to half the love and respect and just compassion i have for those three girls.
What im realizing is that the old you never really goes away, i mean i wrote about what i knew when i was a kid, and that was fairytales about princesses who didnt know they were going to worlds of candy and meeting interesting folk on the way, traveling in sneaker shaped cars and such, but now i write about what i know, and thats true friendship and comfort where I am.
I miss writing, once i get started, i can never stop. 21 is going to be an interesting year, but i think its the year i want to take to grow up. to stop leaving my room a mess every day (that aint gona happen), to work out and be healthy not to lose weight but to feel good, to go on more adventures (omg i have to post my other post - its in my drafts that just reminded me), to meet more people so i can write about it all. most of all, i wanna do something beautiful in Israel. I can't wait to post pictures and write about my adventures and post them here for you guys to see. (if there are readers.... IM LOOKING AT U SMILEENA I KNOW U READ DIS :p )
xo - jus
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Diary Of A Fat Girl - unhappy days
- the weight went up -
i had officially gotten down 20 pounds, to 165. and then i went back up. i was away from the house for two weeks, not eating so well, and not working out at all. im not very happy to be honest. this means a lot a lot a lot of work. im at 172, but im on my period so i am bloated. doesn't matter, i've got to do this. i've decided that for the rest of the week, no carbs, until friday night when we go out for my mums bday supper; then i can eat whatever is being served, but for the rest of the week no carbs.
i needed to write it down here, so that i can hold myself accountable next week. i'm gona come back to writing each week on my progress, that seemed to have helped. I'm not happy with my lack of progress, but I know I am slowly getting there. time to go big or go home. so this week i need to double down on working out, which proves to be a bust so far because everyone is always in the basement. im hoping i can un-lazy myself and wake up early tomorrow morning to workout... i doubt i will. i'm hoping soon my sister will be out of the basement... i wont go to sleep tonight without working out thats a promise to myself that i'm making.
i appologize for the lack of organization on this post, im honestly having a BLEH evening, and feel very melancholy and lifeless. usually i have a better more fun emotion towards the day, but it seems tonight is a more relaxed and quiet time for myself, thats okay though i don't
uhh guys i wrote this like two weeks ago and never posted it so wooooops here
i had officially gotten down 20 pounds, to 165. and then i went back up. i was away from the house for two weeks, not eating so well, and not working out at all. im not very happy to be honest. this means a lot a lot a lot of work. im at 172, but im on my period so i am bloated. doesn't matter, i've got to do this. i've decided that for the rest of the week, no carbs, until friday night when we go out for my mums bday supper; then i can eat whatever is being served, but for the rest of the week no carbs.
i needed to write it down here, so that i can hold myself accountable next week. i'm gona come back to writing each week on my progress, that seemed to have helped. I'm not happy with my lack of progress, but I know I am slowly getting there. time to go big or go home. so this week i need to double down on working out, which proves to be a bust so far because everyone is always in the basement. im hoping i can un-lazy myself and wake up early tomorrow morning to workout... i doubt i will. i'm hoping soon my sister will be out of the basement... i wont go to sleep tonight without working out thats a promise to myself that i'm making.
i appologize for the lack of organization on this post, im honestly having a BLEH evening, and feel very melancholy and lifeless. usually i have a better more fun emotion towards the day, but it seems tonight is a more relaxed and quiet time for myself, thats okay though i don't
uhh guys i wrote this like two weeks ago and never posted it so wooooops here
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
My Daily Routine - poemsbyjus
sorry its only been poems lately, my inspiration is all over the place, i miss someone dearly and it hurts my heart, so all i can write is poetry... xo
when im feeling down,
because i don't have you,
i think about what i miss,
and heres what i do:
when i wake up in the morning,
i wish to see your face,
it would make my world,
a much better place.
because i don't have you,
i think about what i miss,
and heres what i do:
when i wake up in the morning,
i wish to see your face,
it would make my world,
a much better place.
when i cook myself food,
i miss your big smile,
saying "oh you're so good to me"
haven't heard that in a while.
i miss your big smile,
saying "oh you're so good to me"
haven't heard that in a while.
when im at school,
i miss your big brain,
youd always teach me new things,
an intellectual gain.
i miss your big brain,
youd always teach me new things,
an intellectual gain.
when i go out with friends,
i miss holding your hand,
when youd show me off,
like your favorite brand.
i miss holding your hand,
when youd show me off,
like your favorite brand.
when i lay awake at night,
i miss when we talked,
wed spend hours together,
we were sealed with a lock
i miss when we talked,
wed spend hours together,
we were sealed with a lock
when i sleep and i dream,
you come back to me,
and just to be together,
wed run away, yes we'd flee.
you come back to me,
and just to be together,
wed run away, yes we'd flee.
when i wake up in the morning,
the routine will re-start,
i think about you all day,
wishing youd never depart.
the routine will re-start,
i think about you all day,
wishing youd never depart.
and thats pretty much it,
as if from a movie, a scene,
just like a broken record,
you're my daily routine.
as if from a movie, a scene,
just like a broken record,
you're my daily routine.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Ode To Mother Earth - poem by jus
Dear world, my name is Justine.
I stand before you, asking you,
begging you, to teach me, how to be.
begging you, to teach me, how to be.
I stand before your oceans,
hoping they will teach me how to go with the flow, and rest calmly.
hoping they can teach me how to reach other people from different places
hoping they will teach me how to go with the flow, and rest calmly.
hoping they can teach me how to reach other people from different places
I sit before your flowers,
praying they can teach me how to open up and blossom
praying i can learn how to push through to create something beautiful.
praying they can teach me how to open up and blossom
praying i can learn how to push through to create something beautiful.
I sit before your grass,
praying it can teach me how to push through,
praying that after every winter they can teach me not to give up.
praying it can teach me how to push through,
praying that after every winter they can teach me not to give up.
I stand before you your trees,
hoping they will teach me how to stand tall
praying they can teach me how to hold my ground.
hoping they will teach me how to stand tall
praying they can teach me how to hold my ground.
I stare at all your roots,
wishing they would teach me to find mine,
believing they can teach me to be strong and unbreakable.
wishing they would teach me to find mine,
believing they can teach me to be strong and unbreakable.
I stand on your mountain tops,
believing that the avalanches will teach me,
teach me how to let go.
believing that the avalanches will teach me,
teach me how to let go.
I embrace in your warmth,
hoping it can teach me how to be compassionate,
hoping it can teach me how to love.
hoping it can teach me how to be compassionate,
hoping it can teach me how to love.
I stand before your eagles,
hoping they can teach me how to soar,
praying they can teach me to leave the bad behind you.
hoping they can teach me how to soar,
praying they can teach me to leave the bad behind you.
I watch before your sunsets,
wishing they would teach me how to show myself to the world,
believing they can teach me how to be big.
wishing they would teach me how to show myself to the world,
believing they can teach me how to be big.
I sit before your caves,
hoping they can teach me how to see beauty in the dark.
hoping they can teach me how to see beauty in the dark.
I stand before you, world, planet earth,
hoping you can teach me how to be,
hoping you can teach me how to be,
believing you can teach me how to be full of life.
I am here yet I know of nothing,
but you can teach me.
but you can teach me.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
its just another day - poem
theres a man on a bench,
and hes holding a wrench,
i asked him what for,
but he was not so sure.
but he wouldnt let go,
not even to show,
so we went for a walk,
and we started to talk.
he once had a wife,
and a very nice life.
two kids and a dog,
a mouse and a frog.
but he left for another,
when she slept with his brother.
she left with it all,
and she made him feel small.
so he tried to find love,
with the man up above.
to give him some where,
to put all his care.
i loved meeting him,
so i went out on a limb,
i asked him his name,
and if i wouldnt have came,
would he still have walked?
would he still have talked?
i wanted to know why,
who was this wrench guy?
but instead im sitting here,
always unclear,
on the other side of the street,
destined to never meet,
so i made up a tale,
about the man who sits stale,
im looking from my bench,
at the man with the wrench,
unsure what to say,
because its just another day.
short poems by jus - volume one
heres a couple short poems of mine ;P
#1
i am who i am
and i dont want to change,
cause what fun is yourself
when you've got to act strange,
too many people act different,
to be someone new,
and the people who matter,
they love you for YOU.
#2
i am walking on fire
and i dont even care,
ill continue to do it
if i know you'll be there,
the flames they engulf me
from my toes to my hair,
but if you're where im headed
i'll walk anywhere.
#1
i am who i am
and i dont want to change,
cause what fun is yourself
when you've got to act strange,
too many people act different,
to be someone new,
and the people who matter,
they love you for YOU.
#2
i am walking on fire
and i dont even care,
ill continue to do it
if i know you'll be there,
the flames they engulf me
from my toes to my hair,
but if you're where im headed
i'll walk anywhere.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
the music
but no matter what problems we face in the world, the music is always there, as a constant, telling you the world isn't such a bad place when we got a good beat to tap our foot to.
just a thought i had today that i wanted to share.
just a thought i had today that i wanted to share.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Diary of a Fat Girl; the new year
current weight: higher than it should be.
i gained back a lot of the weight i lost. i was afraid this would happen, but i hoped it wouldn't. i basically worked really hard for three weeks, and then took two weeks "vacation" from working hard, and went right back to square 1. Well, new year new me right?! RIGHT!
So today started with 40 minutes of cardio. yeah yeah not a lot but its the best i can do for this moment. I'm forsure going to do more before I sleep tonight though. Since im back home, m baack to writing down everything I eat, back on my medication, plus starting tomorrow im going to try (for just a week) a dietary supplement called Garcinia Cambogia; seems to be some sort of a fruit extract with an acid in it that can help get rid of some of the fatties in my food when i eat it or some crap idk i see shit for it online now im just trying it out for fun and cause its free.
my goal is going to be a minimum of 10 pounds a month to lose by may. Hopefully, I'll be down more than that per month, considering i've proven the ability to lose 5 lbs a week... but i mean look before the holidays i really barely ate and it helped me lose a lot, now i want to eat a regular 3 meals a day or 5 small meals or whatever i decide on my meal plan, with the working out at leaaaassstttt 5 days a week but hopefully more, i don't see why I can't lose at least 10 pounds a month.
for me right now its more about looking good than the number. I know i keep tabs on my number but I really don't care how much i weigh, i just care about how i look.. and right now im not happy with how i look, so im trying to change that, and i want to change it as fast as i can, so i can be happier sooner... if that makes sense. keeping off the weight is going to be hard, but in order to keep it off i gotta actually TAKE it off, so thats how we got here.
Its funny how i started off being so sure of how precise and how disciplined i'd be with writing and with the workout and that one food and workout goal a week and stuff.... it doesn't ever really work the way we think it will i guess. i started off wanting to be in a new bikini posting a picture of me out in the snow with no care in the world just boasting about how i made so much progress that im ready for bikini season before i need to be; but now i went more realistic and said i want to be able to wear a tight dress for my birthday, without a belly bump, without feeling icky and fat, just to wear it because it fits and looks banging and because i can. i think that should be realistic if i stick to my routines and i work hard. now this semester is going to be a hard one. im glad i'll have my blog to write in when i need to. four university classes, hopefully a new job cause bitch gotta pay them bills, and then this weight loss. i just want this to be a constant, through the school and the crap, i can always come home and work out and feel like i did something good that day, even if everything else went wrong. that makes sense right? well yeah, thats that. :p
annyhow, i'll post the "number" of my weight when im back at 167 where i was when vacation started . xoxo
i gained back a lot of the weight i lost. i was afraid this would happen, but i hoped it wouldn't. i basically worked really hard for three weeks, and then took two weeks "vacation" from working hard, and went right back to square 1. Well, new year new me right?! RIGHT!
So today started with 40 minutes of cardio. yeah yeah not a lot but its the best i can do for this moment. I'm forsure going to do more before I sleep tonight though. Since im back home, m baack to writing down everything I eat, back on my medication, plus starting tomorrow im going to try (for just a week) a dietary supplement called Garcinia Cambogia; seems to be some sort of a fruit extract with an acid in it that can help get rid of some of the fatties in my food when i eat it or some crap idk i see shit for it online now im just trying it out for fun and cause its free.
my goal is going to be a minimum of 10 pounds a month to lose by may. Hopefully, I'll be down more than that per month, considering i've proven the ability to lose 5 lbs a week... but i mean look before the holidays i really barely ate and it helped me lose a lot, now i want to eat a regular 3 meals a day or 5 small meals or whatever i decide on my meal plan, with the working out at leaaaassstttt 5 days a week but hopefully more, i don't see why I can't lose at least 10 pounds a month.
for me right now its more about looking good than the number. I know i keep tabs on my number but I really don't care how much i weigh, i just care about how i look.. and right now im not happy with how i look, so im trying to change that, and i want to change it as fast as i can, so i can be happier sooner... if that makes sense. keeping off the weight is going to be hard, but in order to keep it off i gotta actually TAKE it off, so thats how we got here.
Its funny how i started off being so sure of how precise and how disciplined i'd be with writing and with the workout and that one food and workout goal a week and stuff.... it doesn't ever really work the way we think it will i guess. i started off wanting to be in a new bikini posting a picture of me out in the snow with no care in the world just boasting about how i made so much progress that im ready for bikini season before i need to be; but now i went more realistic and said i want to be able to wear a tight dress for my birthday, without a belly bump, without feeling icky and fat, just to wear it because it fits and looks banging and because i can. i think that should be realistic if i stick to my routines and i work hard. now this semester is going to be a hard one. im glad i'll have my blog to write in when i need to. four university classes, hopefully a new job cause bitch gotta pay them bills, and then this weight loss. i just want this to be a constant, through the school and the crap, i can always come home and work out and feel like i did something good that day, even if everything else went wrong. that makes sense right? well yeah, thats that. :p
annyhow, i'll post the "number" of my weight when im back at 167 where i was when vacation started . xoxo
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
My Perfect Christmas Present - Poem
This poem guys, might be one of my best. I wrote it for the love of my life, and I felt so inspired and full of love, that I felt the need to write it, not just the want. My favorite thing in the world, is feeling like i need to write, and having the subject matter to do so. so, here it goes, i hope you guys love it as much as i do!!!
The Perfect Christmas Present
by: Justine Frankel (I only do this so everyone knows and if anyone ever steals im like boom bitch its right here my name - plus I have the scribblings of me writing it in my notebook)
The Perfect Christmas Present
by: Justine Frankel (I only do this so everyone knows and if anyone ever steals im like boom bitch its right here my name - plus I have the scribblings of me writing it in my notebook)
It's
Christmastime but yet I felt,
A
little sad and blue,
When
Santa asked me what I wanted,
I
wasn't sure what to do.
I
told him little things I liked,
But
he said he didn't care,
For
the perfect Christmas gift is something,
Magical
and rare.
He
laughed a mighty laugh,
Put
me on his lap with a lift,
And
he said “Tell me young Justine,
What's
your perfect Christmas gift?”
What's
the perfect Christmas gift?
Oh,
that's easy for me,
It's
one that doesn't come gift wrapped,
Or
put under the tree.
It's
one I've wanted for a long time,
I've
waited since last year,
It's
something that's too big for paper,
I
hold it very dear.
It's
not something just anyone can get,
Because
there's only one,
It's
something that can take the rain,
And
turn it into sun.
I
think about it every night,
It's
all I want and more,
To
have one Christmas day without it,
Would
really be a bore.
It's
smile shines so brightly,
Just
like a Christmas star,
And
it has a heart so sweet and big,
That
you see it from afar.
It's
the greatest give in the world,
I
think you would agree,
Because
my gift is heaven sent,
And
delivered just for me.
If
I could put it under a tree,
And
neatly on the floor,
It's
only wrapping would be my arms,
Cause
it is what I adore.
And
when I finally open it,
I'll
never let it go,
I'll
kiss it on its Christmas lips,
Under
the mistletoe.
I
said to Santa “you must be curious,
About
this Christmas present.
I'm
sure by now you've guessed the one,
That
will make me rather pleasant”
He
smiled and said “I know the one,
The
perfect Christmas surprise.
But
go now young one, go meet with him,
And
then you'll claim your prize”
I
got the courage and now I'm here,
To
tell you what I want.
It's
not a toy, or jewelry,
Not
clothes that I can flaunt.
For
me, the perfect Christmas gift,
Will
last me all year through,
To
me, the greatest gift of all,
Is
being here with you.
Diary of a Fatttyyy bum: lost count
Current weight: too scared to check
but i will tomorrow... then ill come write. TOMORROW IS WEDNESDAY GIVE ME A BREAK
so i have been drinking, not now, but this week. and i will tomorrow i guess since its new years eve the most overrated night. nope im just saying that cause my bae is out of town so at midnight i have to kiss a picture of him or be way less crazy and just text him happy new years while he's partying it up in LA and im playing with my friends cat and getting sexy allergic reactions. the only thing that makes me feel better about knowing i wont get a new years midnight kiss, is knowing he wont either and that at that one moment, he'll be thinking of me. and i'll be thinking of him. and thats so fucking romantic like we're in different countries but were still in eachothers hearts and shit. naaahhh ima fucking paaarrrtay. this is the worst post ive ever had.
my brain feels like this today. all over the place. im unsure if this is even a "diary of a fat girl" entry.
ive eaten like a piggly this week. im not excited to check my weight. since my last entry, ive worked out once or twice. but the twice part was like twenty mins so it doesnt even count. tomorrow i should exercise... way to have a new years resolution broken before the new year even starts.
my new years GOAL, not resolution; is to be able to upload a bikini pic on fb (im such a dirty slut) before the snow is away. i dont care how cold how stupid how whatever i look. i wanna show the world i am ready for bikini season i have my new attitude my new body and happiness, and i wanna do it standing outside in the fucking cold-ass weather and get a god damn cold i dont care ill be too HOT to get cold anyways OHHHHHH burnnnn but still tho thats what i want so badly. and i dont have much time since mtl snow is nowhere to be found as of last week :p
okay thats my post for now, ill post again tomorrow maybe i dunno maybe haha what i dunno what am i writing fuck ahhh my bbrain haha what oh i dont know.
okay, goodnight then people because i shouldnt be awake with a brain this cluttered..
oh guys ill leave you with this:
MEDITATE. omg pls do it. its the best fjsinvjekadnvjkdnviudnv like i didnt do it for the beginning of the week, then around christmas i was having like a panic cause i couldnt sleep couldnt think and i usually go for guided meditation but i had no wifi, so i actually sang to myself for soothing music, and meditated. it was absolutely amazing really helped me relax all of my stress and anger into a nice calming feeling. okay. well wether it be guided or on your own, meditation can help anything. there are meditation mantras to help all of the aspects of your life. there are temples in your mind you can go to and visit parts of yourself you didnt even know existed, and you can heal them. thats my piece.
NAMASTEEEE my lovessssss
but i will tomorrow... then ill come write. TOMORROW IS WEDNESDAY GIVE ME A BREAK
so i have been drinking, not now, but this week. and i will tomorrow i guess since its new years eve the most overrated night. nope im just saying that cause my bae is out of town so at midnight i have to kiss a picture of him or be way less crazy and just text him happy new years while he's partying it up in LA and im playing with my friends cat and getting sexy allergic reactions. the only thing that makes me feel better about knowing i wont get a new years midnight kiss, is knowing he wont either and that at that one moment, he'll be thinking of me. and i'll be thinking of him. and thats so fucking romantic like we're in different countries but were still in eachothers hearts and shit. naaahhh ima fucking paaarrrtay. this is the worst post ive ever had.
my brain feels like this today. all over the place. im unsure if this is even a "diary of a fat girl" entry.
ive eaten like a piggly this week. im not excited to check my weight. since my last entry, ive worked out once or twice. but the twice part was like twenty mins so it doesnt even count. tomorrow i should exercise... way to have a new years resolution broken before the new year even starts.
my new years GOAL, not resolution; is to be able to upload a bikini pic on fb (im such a dirty slut) before the snow is away. i dont care how cold how stupid how whatever i look. i wanna show the world i am ready for bikini season i have my new attitude my new body and happiness, and i wanna do it standing outside in the fucking cold-ass weather and get a god damn cold i dont care ill be too HOT to get cold anyways OHHHHHH burnnnn but still tho thats what i want so badly. and i dont have much time since mtl snow is nowhere to be found as of last week :p
okay thats my post for now, ill post again tomorrow maybe i dunno maybe haha what i dunno what am i writing fuck ahhh my bbrain haha what oh i dont know.
okay, goodnight then people because i shouldnt be awake with a brain this cluttered..
oh guys ill leave you with this:
MEDITATE. omg pls do it. its the best fjsinvjekadnvjkdnviudnv like i didnt do it for the beginning of the week, then around christmas i was having like a panic cause i couldnt sleep couldnt think and i usually go for guided meditation but i had no wifi, so i actually sang to myself for soothing music, and meditated. it was absolutely amazing really helped me relax all of my stress and anger into a nice calming feeling. okay. well wether it be guided or on your own, meditation can help anything. there are meditation mantras to help all of the aspects of your life. there are temples in your mind you can go to and visit parts of yourself you didnt even know existed, and you can heal them. thats my piece.
NAMASTEEEE my lovessssss
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Diary of a Fat Girl; Post-Week 3 & 4
Sowwy, I didn't write exactly on wednesday.. or was that two wednesdays ago i needed to write...
So my current weight (weighed on the 17th which was the start of week 4)... or im confused now.
so the start of week one was the 26th, so week two was the 3rd, and week 3 tht i didnt write was the 10th, and then the start of week 4 was the 17th okay i got it. okay so clearly i loafed a bit :p
so lets get this on paper. I have been working out for three weeks, and this is the start of week four (well its like a few days after start and week 5 starts on christmas eve oh fuck me.
Current weight (from 17th): 167 lbs. (I KNOW RIGHT)
Weight loss count: -14
Goal weight: 27 pounds leftttttttttttt - but this week dont expect much eh?
So guys, I'm really happy with how i'm doing. yes, i havn't worked out since wednesday, so im kinda loafing a little, but its my holidays technically so im allowed to loaf. BUUTTT, im still eating really well and working on my diet so its not ALL bad :p
Anyhow, im really impressed with myself lately. the weight, which is hard to take off, is coming off faster than i thought it would. finally, with hard work and dedication, i am getting to where i want to be. Because i'll be out of the house and without my machine, I'm hoping if i cant go down in weight, to at least not GAIN anything throughout the week. Next wednesday I'll still weight myself, but not on my scale, and sometimes different scales say different things, but the wednesday afffter (the 31st) ill be weighing myself on my scale.. or maybe ill do it the day before since the 31st is new years eve so i wont want to be home writing about weight haha :P
Yeah, so the effort isn't easy, i'll tell you that. I mean making yourself workout basically every day, even if its only 20 mins for that day itself, takes a lot of discipline. Im glad that I'm starting to develop a better self-discipline through doing this. This time around, nobody is here to ask if i worked out today, or what i ate today. Nobody is staying on my case, making sure i keep making progress. this is all me this time, finallyyyyyy. I mean last night my grandfather takes me out for supper, and i ACTIVELY without even realizing it, scouted the healthiest meal on the menu (plain grilled chicken - no sauce, with shallots, some cheese, and some tomatoes on it) and then when she asked a side, i started with baked potato, but changed my order to steamed veggies instead. Guess what? I fucking ate those steamed carrots aand broccoli up god damn that was good and I was hungry so after finishing my meal, I was quite full, but also satisfied with what I had chosen as my meal. Other times when I went out for supper, I'd choose the "most fun" item on the menu that I either don't have often, or is something I don't make ever, and its usually smothered in mushrooms and cheese jalapenos stuff like that. And when i finish my meal, i'm so full and on top of it I hate myself for what I had just eaten. Its almost like my body was giving me all these signs that I shouldn't have been eating what I was eating. I had horrible stomach aches and bowel movement (tmi) and I felt weak and tired all the time. I've never felt better since choosing healthier choices. It makes me feel proud that when Im hungry at home, i went for the celery before i went for the crackers and cheese.
I guess thats what makes the effort easy, the pride. On wednesday, I stepped on the scale and didn't expect much. People say the first group of pounds is the easiest to lose, and after that it gets really hard. the fact that 10 pounds came off so easily from like a decent effort, was great, and then i kept putting in the same amount of effort, and there went another 4 pounds! I was so excited and happy i cheered and ran around the house naked i high fived myself i didnt even care i was just so happy. I know that after the holiday week though, i'll have to up my effort levels so that I can finish this thing off with a boom.
The more I try and lose, the more excited I get. The only downside is that I, myself, don't see a difference in my boody shape or looks. I've been told by a couple of people that I'm looking better, but I really don't see it. My downside is getting sad after not seeing the change. I never understood why does the scale say 14 pounds less, but my body says "your the same fat bitch you always beeeeen" but at the same time, i didn't notice my weight gain until i was at this point and was like woah when did my entire body change so much! so hopefully i'll get to that realization. I just need to keep pushing. I want to be able to upload a picture in a new bikini in the middle of winter, and say look at me, im already ready for bikini season and its 3 months away. you know?
Anyhow, this week my big goal is to workout as much as I can even without my machines. I'll try to go on jogs with my friends (if they're willing) do tons of jumping jacks and squats to keep the booty at its finest. (that shit hurts my legs though in the longrun) and just keep running and working at it. This week i'll be drinking alchohol too so as long as i pace myself and keep it real, i don't think i'll be too bad. Im not so worried, but i am a little nervous. YES, for the first time ever im nervous about gaining a little weight because of my "week off". If anyone has any good strategies or workouts I can do in an appartment building, don't hesitate.
aaaannnnd im an idiot. i can run up and down the stairs silly jus :p hopefully they arent those terribly loud and annoying stairs that'll piss everyone off if i run up and down them. regardless, I'll figure something out i'm pretty resourceful i think.
thanks for keepin it real, since there was no complaints about my lack of posting last two weeks, i doubt anyone reads, but i still gotta write for my biggest fan, and thats me :3
xo mad love to yah!!!!!!!
So my current weight (weighed on the 17th which was the start of week 4)... or im confused now.
so the start of week one was the 26th, so week two was the 3rd, and week 3 tht i didnt write was the 10th, and then the start of week 4 was the 17th okay i got it. okay so clearly i loafed a bit :p
so lets get this on paper. I have been working out for three weeks, and this is the start of week four (well its like a few days after start and week 5 starts on christmas eve oh fuck me.
Current weight (from 17th): 167 lbs. (I KNOW RIGHT)
Weight loss count: -14
Goal weight: 27 pounds leftttttttttttt - but this week dont expect much eh?
So guys, I'm really happy with how i'm doing. yes, i havn't worked out since wednesday, so im kinda loafing a little, but its my holidays technically so im allowed to loaf. BUUTTT, im still eating really well and working on my diet so its not ALL bad :p
Anyhow, im really impressed with myself lately. the weight, which is hard to take off, is coming off faster than i thought it would. finally, with hard work and dedication, i am getting to where i want to be. Because i'll be out of the house and without my machine, I'm hoping if i cant go down in weight, to at least not GAIN anything throughout the week. Next wednesday I'll still weight myself, but not on my scale, and sometimes different scales say different things, but the wednesday afffter (the 31st) ill be weighing myself on my scale.. or maybe ill do it the day before since the 31st is new years eve so i wont want to be home writing about weight haha :P
Yeah, so the effort isn't easy, i'll tell you that. I mean making yourself workout basically every day, even if its only 20 mins for that day itself, takes a lot of discipline. Im glad that I'm starting to develop a better self-discipline through doing this. This time around, nobody is here to ask if i worked out today, or what i ate today. Nobody is staying on my case, making sure i keep making progress. this is all me this time, finallyyyyyy. I mean last night my grandfather takes me out for supper, and i ACTIVELY without even realizing it, scouted the healthiest meal on the menu (plain grilled chicken - no sauce, with shallots, some cheese, and some tomatoes on it) and then when she asked a side, i started with baked potato, but changed my order to steamed veggies instead. Guess what? I fucking ate those steamed carrots aand broccoli up god damn that was good and I was hungry so after finishing my meal, I was quite full, but also satisfied with what I had chosen as my meal. Other times when I went out for supper, I'd choose the "most fun" item on the menu that I either don't have often, or is something I don't make ever, and its usually smothered in mushrooms and cheese jalapenos stuff like that. And when i finish my meal, i'm so full and on top of it I hate myself for what I had just eaten. Its almost like my body was giving me all these signs that I shouldn't have been eating what I was eating. I had horrible stomach aches and bowel movement (tmi) and I felt weak and tired all the time. I've never felt better since choosing healthier choices. It makes me feel proud that when Im hungry at home, i went for the celery before i went for the crackers and cheese.
I guess thats what makes the effort easy, the pride. On wednesday, I stepped on the scale and didn't expect much. People say the first group of pounds is the easiest to lose, and after that it gets really hard. the fact that 10 pounds came off so easily from like a decent effort, was great, and then i kept putting in the same amount of effort, and there went another 4 pounds! I was so excited and happy i cheered and ran around the house naked i high fived myself i didnt even care i was just so happy. I know that after the holiday week though, i'll have to up my effort levels so that I can finish this thing off with a boom.
The more I try and lose, the more excited I get. The only downside is that I, myself, don't see a difference in my boody shape or looks. I've been told by a couple of people that I'm looking better, but I really don't see it. My downside is getting sad after not seeing the change. I never understood why does the scale say 14 pounds less, but my body says "your the same fat bitch you always beeeeen" but at the same time, i didn't notice my weight gain until i was at this point and was like woah when did my entire body change so much! so hopefully i'll get to that realization. I just need to keep pushing. I want to be able to upload a picture in a new bikini in the middle of winter, and say look at me, im already ready for bikini season and its 3 months away. you know?
Anyhow, this week my big goal is to workout as much as I can even without my machines. I'll try to go on jogs with my friends (if they're willing) do tons of jumping jacks and squats to keep the booty at its finest. (that shit hurts my legs though in the longrun) and just keep running and working at it. This week i'll be drinking alchohol too so as long as i pace myself and keep it real, i don't think i'll be too bad. Im not so worried, but i am a little nervous. YES, for the first time ever im nervous about gaining a little weight because of my "week off". If anyone has any good strategies or workouts I can do in an appartment building, don't hesitate.
aaaannnnd im an idiot. i can run up and down the stairs silly jus :p hopefully they arent those terribly loud and annoying stairs that'll piss everyone off if i run up and down them. regardless, I'll figure something out i'm pretty resourceful i think.
thanks for keepin it real, since there was no complaints about my lack of posting last two weeks, i doubt anyone reads, but i still gotta write for my biggest fan, and thats me :3
xo mad love to yah!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Diary Of a Fat Girl; Week Two
Current Weight: 174lbs
Current Mood: ALLL over the place.
I gotta say, week one posed to be quite easy :p i usually am one to ramble about life's problems, but for the past week ive basically been home for most of it (on account of some more personal life problems), so its been pretty easy to keep on schedule. Also, I didn't end up having a cheat day, which helps for sure. the toughest part was getting to working out, and sticking to it when im already doing it. See, Im sure i can do an hour of cardio in a row, but damn, am i ever laaaazy. what i did this week was that instead of being like "heeyy i made it to 15 mins, time for a break" i thought: "heyy, made it to 15 mins, lets make it to 20!" and so on, until i ended up doing 30 mins straight of jogging at fast pace. that may not be much to you, but to me, im really impressed with that ability. I've started to enjoy switching up my workouts too; I would do 50 jumping jacks, then 20 squats, then run for 15 minutes, and repeat; until i had around 40 minutes of working out under my belt and i would be sweaty as all hell.
In the month of august I believe is when my current boyfriend, alex, started to hold me more accountable, and to check my weight every week for progress. at the time, i was 186, my heaviest weight, and I was into that idea. unfortunately I didn't stick with it, as I usually don't. at first my weight went down, then fluxuated going up and down. the fact that from then up until last week my only difference was by 5 pounds (last week i weighed 181), made me really sick, and thats what pushed me to try another angle, like this diary one. I think its been helpful because every day when I workout, I imagine what i'll write on my weight loss diary. i took a picture of my stomach at 186, and i hid it deep in my phone. i vow right here, i will take another picture when i reach my goal, 140, and post both next to each other.
I want to be one of the poster people for knowledge that you don't need pills, or weird cookie/smoothie diets to lose that weight. its all about the hard work and motivation. diet and exercise!!!!!
So for this week, i continue my vow off coffee and soda and alcohol (yup, i havn't had any at all in a week!) and continue my vow of 150 jumping jacks a day. BUT, I will strengthen that vow and add more to it. my challenge of the week for eating is to have one fruit/veggie a day as opposed to another kind of snack (although to be honest I barely ate this week anyhow). my workout challenge of the week is to do at least 50 squats a day! (because i wanna firm up this booty, ya dig?)
As I was last week, I am still confident and excited about this adventure im taking with writing and weight loss, and maybe this can be the start of something amazing. tbh tho, im a little nervous because its said that the first five pounds in the first week come off the fastest, and from here it'll be a little slower. my mum says even if i keep up this amazing progress, i might only be losing 2 pounds a week, but that means losing 8 pounds a month, which is also not bad either. but still, secretly i want to roll in the new year at 160 (think i can lose 15 pounds in 28 days?) im sure it wont be that, but as long as i keep doing what im doing, im confident that i can make great progress by then.
Lets see how far i can take this shindig ;)
Prediction for next week's weight: 169lbs
Current Mood: ALLL over the place.
I gotta say, week one posed to be quite easy :p i usually am one to ramble about life's problems, but for the past week ive basically been home for most of it (on account of some more personal life problems), so its been pretty easy to keep on schedule. Also, I didn't end up having a cheat day, which helps for sure. the toughest part was getting to working out, and sticking to it when im already doing it. See, Im sure i can do an hour of cardio in a row, but damn, am i ever laaaazy. what i did this week was that instead of being like "heeyy i made it to 15 mins, time for a break" i thought: "heyy, made it to 15 mins, lets make it to 20!" and so on, until i ended up doing 30 mins straight of jogging at fast pace. that may not be much to you, but to me, im really impressed with that ability. I've started to enjoy switching up my workouts too; I would do 50 jumping jacks, then 20 squats, then run for 15 minutes, and repeat; until i had around 40 minutes of working out under my belt and i would be sweaty as all hell.
In the month of august I believe is when my current boyfriend, alex, started to hold me more accountable, and to check my weight every week for progress. at the time, i was 186, my heaviest weight, and I was into that idea. unfortunately I didn't stick with it, as I usually don't. at first my weight went down, then fluxuated going up and down. the fact that from then up until last week my only difference was by 5 pounds (last week i weighed 181), made me really sick, and thats what pushed me to try another angle, like this diary one. I think its been helpful because every day when I workout, I imagine what i'll write on my weight loss diary. i took a picture of my stomach at 186, and i hid it deep in my phone. i vow right here, i will take another picture when i reach my goal, 140, and post both next to each other.
I want to be one of the poster people for knowledge that you don't need pills, or weird cookie/smoothie diets to lose that weight. its all about the hard work and motivation. diet and exercise!!!!!
So for this week, i continue my vow off coffee and soda and alcohol (yup, i havn't had any at all in a week!) and continue my vow of 150 jumping jacks a day. BUT, I will strengthen that vow and add more to it. my challenge of the week for eating is to have one fruit/veggie a day as opposed to another kind of snack (although to be honest I barely ate this week anyhow). my workout challenge of the week is to do at least 50 squats a day! (because i wanna firm up this booty, ya dig?)
As I was last week, I am still confident and excited about this adventure im taking with writing and weight loss, and maybe this can be the start of something amazing. tbh tho, im a little nervous because its said that the first five pounds in the first week come off the fastest, and from here it'll be a little slower. my mum says even if i keep up this amazing progress, i might only be losing 2 pounds a week, but that means losing 8 pounds a month, which is also not bad either. but still, secretly i want to roll in the new year at 160 (think i can lose 15 pounds in 28 days?) im sure it wont be that, but as long as i keep doing what im doing, im confident that i can make great progress by then.
Lets see how far i can take this shindig ;)
Prediction for next week's weight: 169lbs
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Diary Of A Fat Girl, Week One
I've decided to do a new weekly thing. (and i guess on wednesdays now since i started live)
Current Weight: 181 lbs.
Current Mood: UUUUGHHH.
i want to lose weight, i dont really care what anyone says, and if anyone is saying i dont need to, y'all are crazy, and havn't seen me naked lately haha. so basically ive been trying to lose a mess of weight for as long as i can remember, but the number has only gone up up up. my friends/ family/ boyfriends thoughtout the years have tried to help me but it seems i just am not doing it right. lately, ive been having lack of inspiration to write; somewhat of a lack of motivation, lack of drive. I always write about new and exciting things. Well, I decided that maybe if i write my progress, i'll feel inspired to make progress, and when i make more progress, ill be more inspired to write about it.... you know?
It was basically as my mom said, i just am lazy... but when i want to do something like write a poem or make a scrapbook or make the greatest gift ever, cook a meal (all the things i like to do), i go at it hard!!! well, whats to say i cant connect something i dont love that much (dieting, excersizing... you know) to something i DO love, like writing? So I'll continue to write random things as i get inspired, but i will make sure to do a weekly progress report followed by a rant about life or something interesting.
anyways, it seems crazy, one day i was this little thing, and id get slightly more weight every once in a while but it was a normal amount, and i'd eat like a piggly, and it seems it all caught up with me, and i have to work twice as hard to get rid of it. but lets be honest, working out and eating well are a drag sometimes, so i will place myself a weekly goal to help me focus on those two aspects the most of all (with obviously including other things.. not JUST my goals... u know what i mean like i focus on this goal the most but im still going to eat healthy and workout.. just you know. :p)
So anyways, for working out, this weeks goal is to make sure i do 150 jumping jacks every day, along with my regular workout. (with breaks obvs not in a row)
And for my diet? this week's goal is to not have ANY coffee, soda (i rarely have it but still) and juice. milk and water and tea only; along with my regular diet.
Theres one exception a week, and mine this week is saturday night when i have my work's christmas party. :)
I think i like where this is going. im feeling really excited about it and im hoping for the best :)
thanks to everyone who's ever supported me, im not going to advertise this on facebook or twitter or whatever, i'll just leave it here, maybe in a few weeks ill tell some people about it, when they see my progress! ;)
LASTLY, i vow to never ever ever lie, i will not lie about my progress here, i will be completely honest even if its shitty and embarrassing. this is why i am doing this, to inspire me to do better for my blog, for the sake of my writing. for the sake of my health, and my looks, and my relationships and just me.
boom. week one has just started now!
Current Weight: 181 lbs.
Current Mood: UUUUGHHH.
i want to lose weight, i dont really care what anyone says, and if anyone is saying i dont need to, y'all are crazy, and havn't seen me naked lately haha. so basically ive been trying to lose a mess of weight for as long as i can remember, but the number has only gone up up up. my friends/ family/ boyfriends thoughtout the years have tried to help me but it seems i just am not doing it right. lately, ive been having lack of inspiration to write; somewhat of a lack of motivation, lack of drive. I always write about new and exciting things. Well, I decided that maybe if i write my progress, i'll feel inspired to make progress, and when i make more progress, ill be more inspired to write about it.... you know?
It was basically as my mom said, i just am lazy... but when i want to do something like write a poem or make a scrapbook or make the greatest gift ever, cook a meal (all the things i like to do), i go at it hard!!! well, whats to say i cant connect something i dont love that much (dieting, excersizing... you know) to something i DO love, like writing? So I'll continue to write random things as i get inspired, but i will make sure to do a weekly progress report followed by a rant about life or something interesting.
anyways, it seems crazy, one day i was this little thing, and id get slightly more weight every once in a while but it was a normal amount, and i'd eat like a piggly, and it seems it all caught up with me, and i have to work twice as hard to get rid of it. but lets be honest, working out and eating well are a drag sometimes, so i will place myself a weekly goal to help me focus on those two aspects the most of all (with obviously including other things.. not JUST my goals... u know what i mean like i focus on this goal the most but im still going to eat healthy and workout.. just you know. :p)
So anyways, for working out, this weeks goal is to make sure i do 150 jumping jacks every day, along with my regular workout. (with breaks obvs not in a row)
And for my diet? this week's goal is to not have ANY coffee, soda (i rarely have it but still) and juice. milk and water and tea only; along with my regular diet.
Theres one exception a week, and mine this week is saturday night when i have my work's christmas party. :)
I think i like where this is going. im feeling really excited about it and im hoping for the best :)
thanks to everyone who's ever supported me, im not going to advertise this on facebook or twitter or whatever, i'll just leave it here, maybe in a few weeks ill tell some people about it, when they see my progress! ;)
LASTLY, i vow to never ever ever lie, i will not lie about my progress here, i will be completely honest even if its shitty and embarrassing. this is why i am doing this, to inspire me to do better for my blog, for the sake of my writing. for the sake of my health, and my looks, and my relationships and just me.
boom. week one has just started now!
Monday, October 13, 2014
she was beautiful
She was as beautiful as they described her,
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
I had never noticed her, the way she smiled, they way her eyes lit up.
I had always seen her flaws. fat. fat fat fat. bad skin. really bad skin...
I had only heard her flaws, stupid, loser, failure.
I hadn't taken a moment to hear her good qualities.
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
I had never noticed her, the way she smiled, they way her eyes lit up.
I had always seen her flaws. fat. fat fat fat. bad skin. really bad skin...
I had only heard her flaws, stupid, loser, failure.
I hadn't taken a moment to hear her good qualities.
I had known her for as long as I can remember,
but I never took the chance to get to know her;
I was always too busy with others.
Always trying to impress others, make sure they like you.
Whilst she was always true to herself.
She was a trooper, a real soldier of her kind.
She was helpless, but she was strong, and made it through.
I never believed her, believed in her.
I didn't know her, I didn't know what she was capable of.
She was a swan, choosing to play the part of the ugly duckling.
She was harmed and beaten with words.
She wrote, she wrote for hours, for days.
I never read anything she wrote.
but I never took the chance to get to know her;
I was always too busy with others.
Always trying to impress others, make sure they like you.
Whilst she was always true to herself.
She was a trooper, a real soldier of her kind.
She was helpless, but she was strong, and made it through.
I never believed her, believed in her.
I didn't know her, I didn't know what she was capable of.
She was a swan, choosing to play the part of the ugly duckling.
She was harmed and beaten with words.
She wrote, she wrote for hours, for days.
I never read anything she wrote.
She was funny, when she wasn't trying too hard.
She was creative, and she was talented in what she put her mind to.
She treated her friends with respect, and her enemies with forgiveness.
She let people be who they were, even when that meant getting hurt by them.
She understood them, how they strive to please.
Today i decided it was time to meet her, the real her.
She understood me, and why I took so long to meet her.
She knew I was scared, for she was too, to come face to face with the reality.
I walked to my room and looked into my mirror.
Surprised by what I saw, I realized they were right.
She was as beautiful as they described her.
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
She was beautiful, on the inside and the outside.
And she was me this entire time.
She let people be who they were, even when that meant getting hurt by them.
She understood them, how they strive to please.
Today i decided it was time to meet her, the real her.
She understood me, and why I took so long to meet her.
She knew I was scared, for she was too, to come face to face with the reality.
I walked to my room and looked into my mirror.
Surprised by what I saw, I realized they were right.
She was as beautiful as they described her.
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
She was beautiful, on the inside and the outside.
And she was me this entire time.
Friday, September 12, 2014
on apologies, and friendship, and the need to write.
today is just a day you know?
just one of those days where you feel like you need to let out everything you have inside you.
I'll start of with apologies.
A long time ago, when I was first blogging, I wrote this blog about these two girlfriends I had, and how I felt like we were drifting apart. I felt like we used to be the three of us, and it became the two of them, and I wouldn't get invited much. I was feeling left out, and as you know when I feel bad or sad or something along those lines, I write about it. Well, I came to regretting that decision when they, being my friends were avid readers of my blog, were extremely angry at what I had written, knowing it was about them. I didn't want them to take it personally, it was just my way of getting out my feelings, and I wasn't mad, I was sad, and I wanted to know why people do things like that, so I wrote. Anyways, it destroyed our relationship, and imagine, that was in 2011. its 2014, almost two years to the days I had started to feel this way, and we havn't spoken to each other since. There were a few moments they would post or tweet or comment rude things about me, but it wouldn't phase me so much because thats how girls are to each other. I had wanted to say something to one of the girls for a while, but never had the courage. Tonight, I finally grew the balls, and I wrote her this massive apology note. It was hard for me, I had to explain my faults and my feelings, and I didn't even tell you guys, the reasons we started drifting is because I was mad at her for being worried about my drug abuse and telling my mother about it. Can you believe that? The first time in my life someone ever stepped up and tried to help me, and I pushed them away. So part of my apology letter was explaining it to her how it wasn't her, it was me and my fault. I was at a bad period of my life, and I should have accepted the help instead of rejecting it.
Then, I was feeling good, so I wrote to two more girls I had lost touch with, not as much fights just casual drifting apart, stuff like that. I was feeling amazing for about an hour, until I saw the first girl had read the message, and not answered, or said anything for that matter. I know I wasn't expecting much, but I was hoping for something. In the end, I was just glad I had said something. And who knows... maybe she'll decide to read my blog again and see this! ;)
Secondly, on friendship.
See I was doing some facebook stalking (you know you do it too), and everyone I was seeing knew everyone else I knew and I was just connecting puzzle pieces that I never knew would or could connect. I came to the conclusion that all of these people from my past know each other and are practically best friends. This made me sad, because all I wanted to know was... when did I miss that bus to be friends with all these people? I mean to them, I'm just "Oh yeah I worked with her" or "Oh Justine? Yeah I went to highschool with her, she was weird" and other variations of that. These people all know each other; their relationships, likes and dislikes, where they work, where they hangout because they know each other they took the time to get to know each other. It just seemed sad and weird to me that none of them ever took the time to get to know me. Weirder because I feel like I'm in a teenage drama highschool tv show but im not the main character im just someone who goes to school and sits in class with all the main characters of the show. I know you guys and stuff about you (not from facebook, from real life) but you don't know anything about me. Doesn't that feel wrong? Everyone wants to feel like the star of the tv show, but you always need extras, and I guess thats what I was in their tv show of life (so deep lmfao). All I know is, if people had gotten to know me a little better, maybe I'd be a part of that. But needless to say, most of those people I barely like so I'm not too shattered on the idea, it was just a fleeting thought that I wanted to reflect on and think about. I am quite content with my friends, my amazng boyfriend, and what the future of social life has in store for me!
Lastly, the need to write.
This, unlike the previous paragraph, is not a fleeting feeling. Its a feeling that lingers until you tend to it, like hunger or exhaustion (which im feeling now too actually). Sometimes, not that I have something interesting to say all the time, I feel the need to write. My body just wants to get things out; my brain can only take so much, until I need to dump it out so I can refill with feels and such. So tonight I was really feeling that need. When I feel that need, lately i've been opening my phone and writing poems. Most are love poems to my special man, but some are more than just love poems, they have deeper and more of a meaning. for some reason the whole blogging thing doesn't work on my phone, so I just write silly little dr. seuss rhymed poems, and I love them. but tonight wasn't a poem night, i knew i had too much on my brain and had to let it all out; and I'm glad I did. Sometimes I just wish I had more inspiration to do this thing I love most in the world. I really love to write; for example, right now I am smiling while I write (also because I said I'm smiling, it made me laugh a little). But how many people do you know who smile while they write? usually its a more concentrated thing, where you're reflecting and thinking hard and choosing the perfect words to formulate and put these impossible feelings into the right words. But for me, writing just comes easy, I dont have to think about the next line; I just have to write, and things come to me themselves. I'm lucky to have the knowledge to read and write, and the fact that (im told) I do it well? well thats just a bonus. I never really re-read my writings after I post them because I get nervous I'll think something is stupid and delete it. But its just me, coming out on my keyboard, and since i'm not stupid (all the time), then what I am writing surely can't be too bad. So I vow to read this and make NOOOO changes, as soon as I finish.
Thats it, my need is satisfied, my conscience feels clearer, and I'm superrrrr tired. thanks for reading and believing in me, whoever you are reading this. much love!!
just one of those days where you feel like you need to let out everything you have inside you.
I'll start of with apologies.
A long time ago, when I was first blogging, I wrote this blog about these two girlfriends I had, and how I felt like we were drifting apart. I felt like we used to be the three of us, and it became the two of them, and I wouldn't get invited much. I was feeling left out, and as you know when I feel bad or sad or something along those lines, I write about it. Well, I came to regretting that decision when they, being my friends were avid readers of my blog, were extremely angry at what I had written, knowing it was about them. I didn't want them to take it personally, it was just my way of getting out my feelings, and I wasn't mad, I was sad, and I wanted to know why people do things like that, so I wrote. Anyways, it destroyed our relationship, and imagine, that was in 2011. its 2014, almost two years to the days I had started to feel this way, and we havn't spoken to each other since. There were a few moments they would post or tweet or comment rude things about me, but it wouldn't phase me so much because thats how girls are to each other. I had wanted to say something to one of the girls for a while, but never had the courage. Tonight, I finally grew the balls, and I wrote her this massive apology note. It was hard for me, I had to explain my faults and my feelings, and I didn't even tell you guys, the reasons we started drifting is because I was mad at her for being worried about my drug abuse and telling my mother about it. Can you believe that? The first time in my life someone ever stepped up and tried to help me, and I pushed them away. So part of my apology letter was explaining it to her how it wasn't her, it was me and my fault. I was at a bad period of my life, and I should have accepted the help instead of rejecting it.
Then, I was feeling good, so I wrote to two more girls I had lost touch with, not as much fights just casual drifting apart, stuff like that. I was feeling amazing for about an hour, until I saw the first girl had read the message, and not answered, or said anything for that matter. I know I wasn't expecting much, but I was hoping for something. In the end, I was just glad I had said something. And who knows... maybe she'll decide to read my blog again and see this! ;)
Secondly, on friendship.
See I was doing some facebook stalking (you know you do it too), and everyone I was seeing knew everyone else I knew and I was just connecting puzzle pieces that I never knew would or could connect. I came to the conclusion that all of these people from my past know each other and are practically best friends. This made me sad, because all I wanted to know was... when did I miss that bus to be friends with all these people? I mean to them, I'm just "Oh yeah I worked with her" or "Oh Justine? Yeah I went to highschool with her, she was weird" and other variations of that. These people all know each other; their relationships, likes and dislikes, where they work, where they hangout because they know each other they took the time to get to know each other. It just seemed sad and weird to me that none of them ever took the time to get to know me. Weirder because I feel like I'm in a teenage drama highschool tv show but im not the main character im just someone who goes to school and sits in class with all the main characters of the show. I know you guys and stuff about you (not from facebook, from real life) but you don't know anything about me. Doesn't that feel wrong? Everyone wants to feel like the star of the tv show, but you always need extras, and I guess thats what I was in their tv show of life (so deep lmfao). All I know is, if people had gotten to know me a little better, maybe I'd be a part of that. But needless to say, most of those people I barely like so I'm not too shattered on the idea, it was just a fleeting thought that I wanted to reflect on and think about. I am quite content with my friends, my amazng boyfriend, and what the future of social life has in store for me!
Lastly, the need to write.
This, unlike the previous paragraph, is not a fleeting feeling. Its a feeling that lingers until you tend to it, like hunger or exhaustion (which im feeling now too actually). Sometimes, not that I have something interesting to say all the time, I feel the need to write. My body just wants to get things out; my brain can only take so much, until I need to dump it out so I can refill with feels and such. So tonight I was really feeling that need. When I feel that need, lately i've been opening my phone and writing poems. Most are love poems to my special man, but some are more than just love poems, they have deeper and more of a meaning. for some reason the whole blogging thing doesn't work on my phone, so I just write silly little dr. seuss rhymed poems, and I love them. but tonight wasn't a poem night, i knew i had too much on my brain and had to let it all out; and I'm glad I did. Sometimes I just wish I had more inspiration to do this thing I love most in the world. I really love to write; for example, right now I am smiling while I write (also because I said I'm smiling, it made me laugh a little). But how many people do you know who smile while they write? usually its a more concentrated thing, where you're reflecting and thinking hard and choosing the perfect words to formulate and put these impossible feelings into the right words. But for me, writing just comes easy, I dont have to think about the next line; I just have to write, and things come to me themselves. I'm lucky to have the knowledge to read and write, and the fact that (im told) I do it well? well thats just a bonus. I never really re-read my writings after I post them because I get nervous I'll think something is stupid and delete it. But its just me, coming out on my keyboard, and since i'm not stupid (all the time), then what I am writing surely can't be too bad. So I vow to read this and make NOOOO changes, as soon as I finish.
Thats it, my need is satisfied, my conscience feels clearer, and I'm superrrrr tired. thanks for reading and believing in me, whoever you are reading this. much love!!
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
recycling bin full of uselessness
Sorry I've not posted in a while, but I doubt you guys are "crying" about it haha.
So last night I did something truly inspiring to myself. Because I am off to Concordia (University) in the fall, and my laptop is a mess of viruses, crappy battery, and just old as fuuuuck, I decided to go ahead and buy a new laptop either this or next week, because man, I deserve something nice and new :P
Because I made this decision, I wanted to clear out a lot of things on my computer first, I don't want to get all those viruses, plus I had a lot of useless documents, or meme pictures, stupid things saved on my computer. As I started deleting the things I'd never need, I saw the things I didn't want, all the pictures from high school -where I was massively bullied by my "so called" friends- and pictures of my early days in camp, pictures with girls who decided one day they hated me and never wanted to see me again, pictures with now enemies, for no reason whatsoever, oh and there were so many damn selfies' I didn't even know how to handle that part it took hours to delete all of that. I decided it was time to leave that crummy past behind (besides pictures I loved of childhood, and pictures that meant something to me) and I deleted it all. over 10,000 pictures. As I watched the popup window on my screen say "Deleting", for a fleeting moment, it felt as though I was actually deleting my past, and that it had never happened, all that was left was the good moments, and who I am today. And guess what? I was happy. I was really happy to get rid of all that crap.
Now, I guess you can say I regret it. I really don't regret it much, but everything I got rid of, makes me who I am today. It's not the pictures, It's the idea that I wanted to delete my past, and I was regretting big parts of my life. But the thing is, I don't regret my life, I don't regret the friendships I had, even if they turned out lousy, because I always learnt something. I don't regret high school (although I definitely regret some parts of it) because I learn't to be strong, it was one of my bravest moments in my life so far. I don't regret cute pictures with ex boyfriends that now live in my little recycling bin, because without those ex's, I wouldn't be with the man I am today.
I never wanted to be a girl who lived with regrets. So I'm really trying to find the good in every mistake I've made. It's hard, but it's really worth it, because I feel a lot happier with who I am today knowing the crap I had to get here. But here I am, clicking not "restore" but "empty" on my recycling bin, because I'll never forget those moments, but I am deleting those useless pictures, to make room for new and better memories I wont have to delete.
Love you forever blog, even if I don't write often, you're always there for me <3 p="">
So last night I did something truly inspiring to myself. Because I am off to Concordia (University) in the fall, and my laptop is a mess of viruses, crappy battery, and just old as fuuuuck, I decided to go ahead and buy a new laptop either this or next week, because man, I deserve something nice and new :P
Because I made this decision, I wanted to clear out a lot of things on my computer first, I don't want to get all those viruses, plus I had a lot of useless documents, or meme pictures, stupid things saved on my computer. As I started deleting the things I'd never need, I saw the things I didn't want, all the pictures from high school -where I was massively bullied by my "so called" friends- and pictures of my early days in camp, pictures with girls who decided one day they hated me and never wanted to see me again, pictures with now enemies, for no reason whatsoever, oh and there were so many damn selfies' I didn't even know how to handle that part it took hours to delete all of that. I decided it was time to leave that crummy past behind (besides pictures I loved of childhood, and pictures that meant something to me) and I deleted it all. over 10,000 pictures. As I watched the popup window on my screen say "Deleting", for a fleeting moment, it felt as though I was actually deleting my past, and that it had never happened, all that was left was the good moments, and who I am today. And guess what? I was happy. I was really happy to get rid of all that crap.
Now, I guess you can say I regret it. I really don't regret it much, but everything I got rid of, makes me who I am today. It's not the pictures, It's the idea that I wanted to delete my past, and I was regretting big parts of my life. But the thing is, I don't regret my life, I don't regret the friendships I had, even if they turned out lousy, because I always learnt something. I don't regret high school (although I definitely regret some parts of it) because I learn't to be strong, it was one of my bravest moments in my life so far. I don't regret cute pictures with ex boyfriends that now live in my little recycling bin, because without those ex's, I wouldn't be with the man I am today.
I never wanted to be a girl who lived with regrets. So I'm really trying to find the good in every mistake I've made. It's hard, but it's really worth it, because I feel a lot happier with who I am today knowing the crap I had to get here. But here I am, clicking not "restore" but "empty" on my recycling bin, because I'll never forget those moments, but I am deleting those useless pictures, to make room for new and better memories I wont have to delete.
Love you forever blog, even if I don't write often, you're always there for me <3 p="">
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
"Good Morning"
yet another poem post haha. this one i wrote for the love of my life, my boyfriend. he's just so incredible and he is totally my muse, he is the object of my affection and i just love him dearly. :) enjoy!
when i fell asleep,
i was thinking of you,
and when i woke up,
my dream was still true.
you're still mine,
we are still in love,
i think someone likes us,
from up above.
they gave us this love,
now we have a chance,
at a wonderful life,
a beautiful romance.
and my dream was just great,
because you were there,
you grabbed onto my face,
and gave me a stare,
you know the stare,
where you give me that smile,
where i cant stop staring,
for a really long while.
you gave me ten kisses,
all over my face,
and you took your finger,
over my lips you trace.
i kissed you right back,
and you held my hand,
the love i feel for you,
you cannot understand.
i blushed really hard,
i turned beet red,
i think all this passion,
is getting to my head.
i snuggled my pillow,
continued to dream,
about you and i together,
we make such a great team.
i woke up this morning,
and you are still mine,
i guess that today,
the sun is gona shine!
the end ;) and i love yah babe ;)
Monday, April 14, 2014
Good Enough
I actually just finnished writing this poem about a sad experience of rejection i just got. I am very very let down about this, but just as always, writing got me through it. funny enough, i was rejected from a writing program at school... hmmm...
you are not accepted,
is what the letter said,
we don't want you here,
is what i just read.
but what have i done?
i ask with a cry.
you're just not good enough,
they say with a sigh.
from childhood up,
i tried my absolute best,
i studied real hard,
and i passed every test.
but why cant i go further?
is the question i ask,
but they assume i am not,
fit for such a task.
i'll do my very best,
i'd promised i'd try,
but im just not good enough,
and i wouldn't get by.
i just want a chance,
to show i am right,
for a place in your class,
i know i am bright.
i tried and i tried,
theyre choice didnt change,
i guess my stuff isnt good enough,
i guess my writings too strange.
i know i am weird,
i know i don't fit in,
i only can write,
of the places i've been.
i guess i'm not creative,
i guess i'm not smart,
i guess they have no idea,
what to call art.
they don't even know me,
my strength and my want,
these are not qualities,
i particularily flaunt.
they cannot judge me,
or say i'm not good,
for if they read some more,
theyd change their minds, they would.
just because I write simply,
doesnt mean I write poor,
my writings have passion,
they have meaning, they have more.
i know i am good enough,
theyre stupid if they can't see.
i might not be good enough for them,
but i am good enough for me.
the end
"Stupid Nice Guys"
I wrote this poem, entitled "Stupid Nice Guys" about a lot of what I see today. So many nice guys who deserve a nice girl are sucked into the vortex of girls with boyfriends looking for some attention, so maybe some of you guys or girls who have been in the situation (I know I have) will relate to this.
he finally meets you,
he's found a sweet girl,
one he could take home,
as rare as a pearl
he's found a sweet girl,
one he could take home,
as rare as a pearl
he knows you're spoken for
a fact that brews hate
he knows if he tries hard
you could be his soul mate
a fact that brews hate
he knows if he tries hard
you could be his soul mate
you get to know eachother,
he is a good friend,
he gives you those butterflies,
you never want it to end.
he is a good friend,
he gives you those butterflies,
you never want it to end.
you know you have someone,
but he doesnt compliment your smile,
in fact he hasn't said anything,
very sweet for a while.
but he doesnt compliment your smile,
in fact he hasn't said anything,
very sweet for a while.
you develop that crush,
you know the kind,
the one that keeps him,
stuck in your mind.
you know the kind,
the one that keeps him,
stuck in your mind.
you tell him your problems,
he listens and learns,
but for your touch and kiss,
is really what he yearns.
he listens and learns,
but for your touch and kiss,
is really what he yearns.
he waits for a while,
for a moment to move
when you've gotten into a fight,
he gets into his groove.
for a moment to move
when you've gotten into a fight,
he gets into his groove.
he lays upon you a kiss,
with the passionate feel,
you're feeling the fireworks,
unsure if its real.
with the passionate feel,
you're feeling the fireworks,
unsure if its real.
but he's your best friend,
and your boyfriend doesnt know,
but you continue to kiss him,
you dont want that feeling to go.
and your boyfriend doesnt know,
but you continue to kiss him,
you dont want that feeling to go.
when it comes time to choose,
you know you must stay,
the real love for your first,
will not go away.
you know you must stay,
the real love for your first,
will not go away.
he looks in your eyes,
unsure what to say,
i guess those kisses,
meant nothing anyway.
unsure what to say,
i guess those kisses,
meant nothing anyway.
and those words and those actions,
saying he was a great guy,
saying you wish you could choose,
saying this is making you cry.
he doesnt know what to believe,
you've broken his heart,
he thought you'd leave him,
and your relationship would start.
saying he was a great guy,
saying you wish you could choose,
saying this is making you cry.
he doesnt know what to believe,
you've broken his heart,
he thought you'd leave him,
and your relationship would start.
he feels so abandoned,
he feels so used,
he had thought that you loved him,
he feels so abused.
you move on with your life,
sad to have lost a good guy,
but you go back to your boyfriend,
without a blink of an eye
he feels so used,
he had thought that you loved him,
he feels so abused.
you move on with your life,
sad to have lost a good guy,
but you go back to your boyfriend,
without a blink of an eye
you kiss him goodmorning,
tell him you love him so,
that theres nobody in the world,
to whom youd rather go.
tell him you love him so,
that theres nobody in the world,
to whom youd rather go.
he has no idea,
you're telling a lie,
to you hes just another,
stupid nice guy.
you're telling a lie,
to you hes just another,
stupid nice guy.
Cool Girls Like Us
they say its cause,
my music is too loud,
my shirts are to guy-ish
they really arent proud
my music is too loud,
my shirts are to guy-ish
they really arent proud
i resemble a woman,
but i act like a man,
but i dress like one too,
they never understand.
but i act like a man,
but i dress like one too,
they never understand.
cause my voice it projects,
cause my shirts are too large,
cause i talk about my sexuality,
cause i am in charge.
cause my shirts are too large,
cause i talk about my sexuality,
cause i am in charge.
its because i dont live for pink,
and i burp at the table,
doesn't mean im not like you,
doesn't mean im not stable.
and i burp at the table,
doesn't mean im not like you,
doesn't mean im not stable.
because i curse way too much,
because i'd smile at a stanger,
because i had a drug phase,
doesnt mean im much danger.
because i'd smile at a stanger,
because i had a drug phase,
doesnt mean im much danger.
cause i always laugh,
when someone farts,
cause i hangout with guys,
i still have female parts.
when someone farts,
cause i hangout with guys,
i still have female parts.
just cause i am myself,
i can't be accepted,
but really i am,
it is YOU whos rejected.
i can't be accepted,
but really i am,
it is YOU whos rejected.
you think we all want you,
the people like me,
but we watch and we laugh,
you're faker than barbie.
the people like me,
but we watch and we laugh,
you're faker than barbie.
we love who we are,
and we will never change,
the cool girls like us,
we will always be strange.
and we will never change,
the cool girls like us,
we will always be strange.
if that makes me weird,
then i celebrate it,
whats the point in being yourself,
if you're just going to hate it?
then i celebrate it,
whats the point in being yourself,
if you're just going to hate it?
learn to love the hate,
that people give you,
all it can mean,
is that you are true.
that people give you,
all it can mean,
is that you are true.
Imagine If...
So I was facebook stalking and one page brought me to another and then another and all the sudden I stumbled upon this girl I know but I cannot stand. To me, this girl had always been mean to everyone a little different, was selfish, rude, one of those class A bitches that we so hate. But she was STUNNING.. and when i say stunning, i mean it. Like I couldn't find insults on her appearance, cause shes just so beautiful.
Then.... I had a thought. As I was jealously wishing I was as beautiful as most of these people I see, I realized that a lot of them I hadn't liked. Was it because of appearance or events? I guess a bit of both.
So I thought, imagine if your looks changed based on who you are on the inside. Like the nicer and more accepting and better of a person you are, the better looking you are, and vise versa.
See heres the way I see it: In today's society, as much as we preach about "be the best YOU you can be" "looks don't matter its whats on the inside", looks will come into play when concerning the person you end up with, and/or the job you can end up with (if its a 'serving the public' kind of job, people prefer a prettier face). So why can't people who are amazing people be in amazing jobs? or find a mate whos equally as amazing? Instead of the hot girls with no personality and who are selfish gold-diggers going for the rich nice guys who are ugly, well the rich nice guys would be hot, and then the nice girls who are worth dating will ALSO be hot! its a win win for cool people like you (i assume if you read my blog you're automatically awesome in every way) and me! ya get me?
So this isn't as much a post to complain, more just like me and my silly monday morning ideas, because its not fair how people who are ugly on the inside are allowed to be pretty on the outside and get whatever they want and do whatever they please because they're good looking and for some reason we put those people so high up on a pedestal that they have to make us do everything for them because if they do one thing they'll fall off the pedestal to their untimely death.
^ i think that was me subtly complaining.
I guess my big moral that has nothing to do with anything but also everything to do with anything is to actually get to know people first, which seems liek a big big pattern in my blogs. Too often I watch good people get judged too soon and too harshly. I see it happen to a lot of my guy friends; take one look at a girl whos a 7 and go naaahh shes not hot... but in truth she is hot on the inside and out. But they say no cause they're too busy chasing that 10 that put them in the friendzone a year ago but they're sure they can escape like THERES NO ESCAPE. 1/1000000000000 is an exception and im telling you, its not you because it was my boyfriend. so wait until another 99999999999 guys try to get out friendzone, and when they all fail, you go for it. looolll thats a joke don't do that.
anyways, off to make the bills at work, have a nice day !
from pencil to paper, to keyboard to computer screen,
JUS
Monday, April 7, 2014
Goodnight Reality; poems by jus
I wrote this poem, entitled Goodnight Reality, about a dream I had a while back- not to be confused with an experience of mine or anyone I know.
I sat there and talked,
my family all around,
i sat there and talked,
and nobody made a sound.
i sat there and talked,
and nobody made a sound.
some kid came and pointed,
"theres nobody there,
you look pretty stupid,
the other kids are starting to stare".
"theres nobody there,
you look pretty stupid,
the other kids are starting to stare".
i looked up and laughed,
"right there is my friend,
and there is another"
the kid did not comprehend
"right there is my friend,
and there is another"
the kid did not comprehend
"thats my mom, thats my dad,
they live up in heaven,
and right there is my brother,
they died when i was seven"
they live up in heaven,
and right there is my brother,
they died when i was seven"
"you may not see them,
but thankfully I do,
they come down to visit,
i know it is true"
but thankfully I do,
they come down to visit,
i know it is true"
one big kid came up,
sat right infront of me,
"so im sitting on one?"
he mocked out with glee.
sat right infront of me,
"so im sitting on one?"
he mocked out with glee.
"thats my mom!" i screamed,
i ran away and cried,
why does nobody understand,
that i had not lied.
i ran away and cried,
why does nobody understand,
that i had not lied.
these ghosts are real,
i see them all day,
they follow me around,
teach me what to do and say.
i see them all day,
they follow me around,
teach me what to do and say.
although i am orphaned,
i am not alone,
for one day i'll go to them,
in their heavenly home.
i am not alone,
for one day i'll go to them,
in their heavenly home.
ill tell them i miss them,
each and every day,
but i wont anymore,
cause im there to stay.
each and every day,
but i wont anymore,
cause im there to stay.
i got my chair and my rope,
and with it a big frown,
for i'll miss my friends here,
but in memories i drown.
and with it a big frown,
for i'll miss my friends here,
but in memories i drown.
i hung myself up,
i tied the rope tight,
goodmorning to my family,
to reality, goodnight.
i tied the rope tight,
goodmorning to my family,
to reality, goodnight.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Perception of Normal
Today something really inspired me to write.
I have a friend that I've known a long time who was always pretty crazy, but thats why we got along so well. As most relationships do, we've drifted apart and back together, but thats not really important.
What's important is that about a year ago we reconnected and she is the same as shes always been, child-like immaturity that I loved about her stayed the same, she didn't change a bit and I really respected and liked that about her. Tonight I was with a friend (who knew her) and he asked me how she and I came to being friends again, so I explained the story and after had said that shes the same way she used to be. He cringed, and so did the other person I had been with. She was the type of friend who played video games, read comics, did cosplaying and marched to the beat of her own drum. Although a little crazy, she is a sweet and caring girl, she's funny, she's fun to be around, and she's a loyal friend, so I see nothing wrong with her. She is a gamer, like many of my friends, and I find her totally cool.
What bothered me is the people I was with weren't at ALL like her, or me, as a matter of fact, or any of my other friends. This girl said to me "shes not normal" and thats when I got really angry and ended the conversation, changed the topic, because I don't enjoy listening to people talk shit about my friends.
As I got home I knew I needed to write this because I felt extremely uneasy about not sticking up for my friend, about not saying anything.
I mean, what is NORMAL anyways? Its one thing to say "I don't like her" or something like that, because thats an opinion of yours, you don't have to like her. But what makes her less normal than anyone else? Because she's not into the same stuff you are? Because she has interests in cosplay and in anime, just like they have interests in gossip girl and fashion? Because she's a little crazy and outgoing? I mean if they didn't like that, they wouldn't even be my friend. I know well enough that either of those people never took a chance to even be friends with her, they just marked her as weird from the get-go, without even getting to know her. I have so much respect for people who aren't shy, who don't let the opinions or thoughts of others get in their way. I am proud to have a friend like her, but I'm not proud to have friends that could insult another human being like that. She didn't do ANYTHING wrong, she's just different.
To be honest, shes not that different. I mean if you think shes weird, tell that to the other thousands of people at comicons.. All of my friends from gamers club at abbott think that YOU'RE weird for the things you do, but I can tell you not in a MILLION years would they call someone "not normal", or reject anyone from hanging out. Some of the best people I know are people who would be branded as "not normal"...
I mean me, IM NOT NORMAL.. I dance around in my underwear to the beatles almost every day, I take HOURSSSS to prepare the littlest things like a birthday card or even just a poem. I talk to my teddy bears that I sleep with every night. once i give something a name, i am immediately attached to it as if its a real person, and i refuse to sleep with socks on. i write rhyme poetry when i feel angry, and i find bologna and peanut butter tastes weird but good together, just like ketchup and cucumbers. I AM WEIRD, I AM "NOT NORMAL" and im damn proud of it.
i know this is classic relativism, but normal is all about everyones perception. what you think is normal may not be normal to others. a serial killer whos sick in the head (this is an awful example what am i thinking) will believe that what he's doing is normal, although we're all like wtf. so yeah that example sucked but i mean things like what happened today about my friend, shes totally normal, i think its the people who have to spend their time making others feel bad isn't normal, its mean and its unfair and its unjust. before you judge someone, get to know them. obviously you hear that all the time, but seriously, get to know people, you'll be very surprised at what you learn and who you meet, the strangest of people can make the best of friends, and maybe you'll see you like what they do, and they might like what you do..
yeah, i don't like when people insult my friends, it makes me feel very bad that im sitting around listening to this, so forwarning, if you dont like one of my friends, feel free to tell me and we can talk about it, but when you start ripping on the people i care about without mercy, im not going to sit around and listen to that crap. I'd rather be around people who are more accepting.
thanks for listening yeo
sincerely, jus.
I have a friend that I've known a long time who was always pretty crazy, but thats why we got along so well. As most relationships do, we've drifted apart and back together, but thats not really important.
What's important is that about a year ago we reconnected and she is the same as shes always been, child-like immaturity that I loved about her stayed the same, she didn't change a bit and I really respected and liked that about her. Tonight I was with a friend (who knew her) and he asked me how she and I came to being friends again, so I explained the story and after had said that shes the same way she used to be. He cringed, and so did the other person I had been with. She was the type of friend who played video games, read comics, did cosplaying and marched to the beat of her own drum. Although a little crazy, she is a sweet and caring girl, she's funny, she's fun to be around, and she's a loyal friend, so I see nothing wrong with her. She is a gamer, like many of my friends, and I find her totally cool.
What bothered me is the people I was with weren't at ALL like her, or me, as a matter of fact, or any of my other friends. This girl said to me "shes not normal" and thats when I got really angry and ended the conversation, changed the topic, because I don't enjoy listening to people talk shit about my friends.
As I got home I knew I needed to write this because I felt extremely uneasy about not sticking up for my friend, about not saying anything.
I mean, what is NORMAL anyways? Its one thing to say "I don't like her" or something like that, because thats an opinion of yours, you don't have to like her. But what makes her less normal than anyone else? Because she's not into the same stuff you are? Because she has interests in cosplay and in anime, just like they have interests in gossip girl and fashion? Because she's a little crazy and outgoing? I mean if they didn't like that, they wouldn't even be my friend. I know well enough that either of those people never took a chance to even be friends with her, they just marked her as weird from the get-go, without even getting to know her. I have so much respect for people who aren't shy, who don't let the opinions or thoughts of others get in their way. I am proud to have a friend like her, but I'm not proud to have friends that could insult another human being like that. She didn't do ANYTHING wrong, she's just different.
To be honest, shes not that different. I mean if you think shes weird, tell that to the other thousands of people at comicons.. All of my friends from gamers club at abbott think that YOU'RE weird for the things you do, but I can tell you not in a MILLION years would they call someone "not normal", or reject anyone from hanging out. Some of the best people I know are people who would be branded as "not normal"...
I mean me, IM NOT NORMAL.. I dance around in my underwear to the beatles almost every day, I take HOURSSSS to prepare the littlest things like a birthday card or even just a poem. I talk to my teddy bears that I sleep with every night. once i give something a name, i am immediately attached to it as if its a real person, and i refuse to sleep with socks on. i write rhyme poetry when i feel angry, and i find bologna and peanut butter tastes weird but good together, just like ketchup and cucumbers. I AM WEIRD, I AM "NOT NORMAL" and im damn proud of it.
i know this is classic relativism, but normal is all about everyones perception. what you think is normal may not be normal to others. a serial killer whos sick in the head (this is an awful example what am i thinking) will believe that what he's doing is normal, although we're all like wtf. so yeah that example sucked but i mean things like what happened today about my friend, shes totally normal, i think its the people who have to spend their time making others feel bad isn't normal, its mean and its unfair and its unjust. before you judge someone, get to know them. obviously you hear that all the time, but seriously, get to know people, you'll be very surprised at what you learn and who you meet, the strangest of people can make the best of friends, and maybe you'll see you like what they do, and they might like what you do..
yeah, i don't like when people insult my friends, it makes me feel very bad that im sitting around listening to this, so forwarning, if you dont like one of my friends, feel free to tell me and we can talk about it, but when you start ripping on the people i care about without mercy, im not going to sit around and listen to that crap. I'd rather be around people who are more accepting.
thanks for listening yeo
sincerely, jus.
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