My Perfect Christmas Present - Poem

This poem guys, might be one of my best. I wrote it for the love of my life, and I felt so inspired and full of love, that I felt the need to write it, not just the want. My favorite thing in the world, is feeling like i need to write, and having the subject matter to do so. so, here it goes, i hope you guys love it as much as i do!!!

The Perfect Christmas Present
by: Justine Frankel (I only do this so everyone knows and if anyone ever steals im like boom bitch its right here my name - plus I have the scribblings of me writing it in my notebook)

It's Christmastime but yet I felt,

A little sad and blue,

When Santa asked me what I wanted,

I wasn't sure what to do.

I told him little things I liked,

But he said he didn't care,

For the perfect Christmas gift is something,

Magical and rare.

He laughed a mighty laugh,

Put me on his lap with a lift,

And he said “Tell me young Justine,

What's your perfect Christmas gift?”

What's the perfect Christmas gift?

Oh, that's easy for me,

It's one that doesn't come gift wrapped,

Or put under the tree.

It's one I've wanted for a long time,

I've waited since last year,

It's something that's too big for paper,

I hold it very dear.

It's not something just anyone can get,

Because there's only one,

It's something that can take the rain,

And turn it into sun.

I think about it every night,

It's all I want and more,

To have one Christmas day without it,

Would really be a bore.

It's smile shines so brightly,

Just like a Christmas star,

And it has a heart so sweet and big,

That you see it from afar.

It's the greatest give in the world,

I think you would agree,

Because my gift is heaven sent,

And delivered just for me.

If I could put it under a tree,

And neatly on the floor,

It's only wrapping would be my arms,

Cause it is what I adore.

And when I finally open it,

I'll never let it go,

I'll kiss it on its Christmas lips,

Under the mistletoe.

I said to Santa “you must be curious,

About this Christmas present.

I'm sure by now you've guessed the one,

That will make me rather pleasant”

He smiled and said “I know the one,

The perfect Christmas surprise.

But go now young one, go meet with him,

And then you'll claim your prize”

I got the courage and now I'm here,

To tell you what I want.

It's not a toy, or jewelry,

Not clothes that I can flaunt.

For me, the perfect Christmas gift,

Will last me all year through,

To me, the greatest gift of all,

Is being here with you.

Diary of a Fatttyyy bum: lost count

Current weight: too scared to check
but i will tomorrow... then ill come write. TOMORROW IS WEDNESDAY GIVE ME A BREAK
so i have been drinking, not now, but this week. and i will tomorrow i guess since its new years eve the most overrated night. nope im just saying that cause my bae is out of town so at midnight i have to kiss a picture of him or be way less crazy and just text him happy new years while he's partying it up in LA and im playing with my friends cat and getting sexy allergic reactions. the only thing that makes me feel better about knowing i wont get a new years midnight kiss, is knowing he wont either and that at that one moment, he'll be thinking of me. and i'll be thinking of him. and thats so fucking romantic like we're in different countries but were still in eachothers hearts and shit. naaahhh ima fucking paaarrrtay. this is the worst post ive ever had.

my brain feels like this today. all over the place. im unsure if this is even a "diary of a fat girl" entry.
ive eaten like a piggly this week. im not excited to check my weight. since my last entry, ive worked out once or twice. but the twice part was like twenty mins so it doesnt even count. tomorrow i should exercise... way to have a new years resolution broken before the new year even starts.

my new years GOAL, not resolution; is to be able to upload a bikini pic on fb (im such a dirty slut) before the snow is away. i dont care how cold how stupid how whatever i look. i wanna show the world i am ready for bikini season i have my new attitude my new body and happiness, and i wanna do it standing outside in the fucking cold-ass weather and get a god damn cold i dont care ill be too HOT to get cold anyways OHHHHHH burnnnn but still tho thats what i want so badly. and i dont have much time since mtl snow is nowhere to be found as of last week :p

okay thats my post for now, ill post again tomorrow maybe i dunno maybe haha what i dunno what am i writing fuck ahhh my bbrain haha what oh i dont know.
okay, goodnight then people because i shouldnt be awake with a brain this cluttered..

oh guys ill leave you with this:

MEDITATE. omg pls do it. its the best fjsinvjekadnvjkdnviudnv like i didnt do it for the beginning of the week, then around christmas i was having like a panic cause i couldnt sleep couldnt think and i usually go for guided meditation but i had no wifi, so i actually sang to myself for soothing music, and meditated. it was absolutely amazing really helped me relax all of my stress and anger into a nice calming feeling. okay. well wether it be guided or on your own, meditation can help anything. there are meditation mantras to help all of the aspects of your life. there are temples in your mind you can go to and visit parts of yourself you didnt even know existed, and you can heal them. thats my piece.

NAMASTEEEE my lovessssss

Diary of a Fat Girl; Post-Week 3 & 4

Sowwy, I didn't write exactly on wednesday.. or was that two wednesdays ago i needed to write...

So my current weight (weighed on the 17th which was the start of week 4)... or im confused now.
so the start of week one was the 26th, so week two was the 3rd, and week 3 tht i didnt write was the 10th, and then the start of week 4 was the 17th okay i got it. okay so clearly i loafed a bit :p

so lets get this on paper. I have been working out for three weeks, and this is the start of week four (well its like a few days after start and week 5 starts on christmas eve oh fuck me.

Current weight (from 17th): 167 lbs. (I KNOW RIGHT)
Weight loss count: -14
Goal weight: 27 pounds leftttttttttttt - but this week dont expect much eh?

So guys, I'm really happy with how i'm doing. yes, i havn't worked out since wednesday, so im kinda loafing a little, but its my holidays technically so im allowed to loaf. BUUTTT, im still eating really well and working on my diet so its not ALL bad :p

Anyhow, im really impressed with myself lately. the weight, which is hard to take off, is coming off faster than i thought it would. finally, with hard work and dedication, i am getting to where i want to be. Because i'll be out of the house and without my machine, I'm hoping if i cant go down in weight, to at least not GAIN anything throughout the week. Next wednesday I'll still weight myself, but not on my scale, and sometimes different scales say different things, but the wednesday afffter (the 31st) ill be weighing myself on my scale.. or maybe ill do it the day before since the 31st is new years eve so i wont want to be home writing about weight haha :P

Yeah, so the effort isn't easy, i'll tell you that. I mean making yourself workout basically every day, even if its only 20 mins for that day itself, takes a lot of discipline. Im glad that I'm starting to develop a better self-discipline through doing this. This time around, nobody is here to ask if i worked out today, or what i ate today. Nobody is staying on my case, making sure i keep making progress. this is all me this time, finallyyyyyy. I mean last night my grandfather takes me out for supper, and i ACTIVELY without even realizing it, scouted the healthiest meal on the menu (plain grilled chicken - no sauce, with shallots, some cheese, and some tomatoes on it) and then when she asked a side, i started with baked potato, but changed my order to steamed veggies instead. Guess what? I fucking ate those steamed carrots aand broccoli up god damn that was good and I was hungry so after finishing my meal, I was quite full, but also satisfied with what I had chosen as my meal. Other times when I went out for supper, I'd choose the "most fun" item on the menu that I either don't have often, or is something I don't make ever, and its usually smothered in mushrooms and cheese jalapenos stuff like that. And when i finish my meal, i'm so full and on top of it I hate myself for what I had just eaten. Its almost like my body was giving me all these signs that I shouldn't have been eating what I was eating. I had horrible stomach aches and bowel movement (tmi) and I felt weak and tired all the time. I've never felt better since choosing healthier choices. It makes me feel proud that when Im hungry at home, i went for the celery before i went for the crackers and cheese.

I guess thats what makes the effort easy, the pride. On wednesday, I stepped on the scale and didn't expect much. People say the first group of pounds is the easiest to lose, and after that it gets really hard. the fact that 10 pounds came off so easily from like a decent effort, was great, and then i kept putting in the same amount of effort, and there went another 4 pounds! I was so excited and happy i cheered and ran around the house naked i high fived myself i didnt even care i was just so happy. I know that after the holiday week though, i'll have to up my effort levels so that I can finish this thing off with a boom.

The more I try and lose, the more excited I get. The only downside is that I, myself, don't see a difference in my boody shape or looks. I've been told by a couple of people that I'm looking better, but I really don't see it. My downside is getting sad after not seeing the change. I never understood why does the scale say 14 pounds less, but my body says "your the same fat bitch you always beeeeen" but at the same time, i didn't notice my weight gain until i was at this point and was like woah when did my entire body change so much! so hopefully i'll get to that realization. I just need to keep pushing. I want to be able to upload a picture in a new bikini in the middle of winter, and say look at me, im already ready for bikini season and its 3 months away. you know?

Anyhow, this week my big goal is to workout as much as I can even without my machines. I'll try to go on jogs with my friends (if they're willing) do tons of jumping jacks and squats to keep the booty at its finest. (that shit hurts my legs though in the longrun) and just keep running and working at it. This week i'll be drinking alchohol too so as long as i pace myself and keep it real, i don't think i'll be too bad. Im not so worried, but i am a little nervous. YES, for the first time ever im nervous about gaining a little weight because of my "week off". If anyone has any good strategies or workouts I can do in an appartment building, don't hesitate.

aaaannnnd im an idiot. i can run up and down the stairs silly jus :p hopefully they arent those terribly loud and annoying stairs that'll piss everyone off if i run up and down them. regardless, I'll figure something out i'm pretty resourceful i think.

thanks for keepin it real, since there was no complaints about my lack of posting last two weeks, i doubt anyone reads, but i still gotta write for my biggest fan, and thats me :3
xo mad love to yah!!!!!!!

Diary Of a Fat Girl; Week Two

Current Weight: 174lbs
Current Mood: ALLL over the place.

I gotta say, week one posed to be quite easy :p i usually am one to ramble about life's problems, but for the past week ive basically been home for most of it (on account of some more personal life problems), so its been pretty easy to keep on schedule. Also, I didn't end up having a cheat day, which helps for sure. the toughest part was getting to working out, and sticking to it when im already doing it. See, Im sure i can do an hour of cardio in a row, but damn, am i ever laaaazy. what i did this week was that instead of being like "heeyy i made it to 15 mins, time for a break" i thought: "heyy, made it to 15 mins, lets make it to 20!" and so on, until i ended up doing 30 mins straight of jogging at fast pace. that may not be much to you, but to me, im really impressed with that ability. I've started to enjoy switching up my workouts too; I would do 50 jumping jacks, then 20 squats, then run for 15 minutes, and repeat; until i had around 40 minutes of working out under my belt and i would be sweaty as all hell.

In the month of august I believe is when my current boyfriend, alex, started to hold me more accountable, and to check my weight every week for progress. at the time, i was 186, my heaviest weight, and I was into that idea. unfortunately I didn't stick with it, as I usually don't. at first my weight went down, then fluxuated going up and down. the fact that from then up until last week my only difference was by 5 pounds (last week i weighed 181), made me really sick, and thats what pushed me to try another angle, like this diary one. I think its been helpful because every day when I workout, I imagine what i'll write on my weight loss diary. i took a picture of my stomach at 186, and i hid it deep in my phone. i vow right here, i will take another picture when i reach my goal, 140, and post both next to each other.

I want to be one of the poster people for knowledge that you don't need pills, or weird cookie/smoothie diets to lose that weight. its all about the hard work and motivation. diet and exercise!!!!!

So for this week, i continue my vow off coffee and soda and alcohol (yup, i havn't had any at all in a week!) and continue my vow of 150 jumping jacks a day. BUT, I will strengthen that vow and add more to it. my challenge of the week for eating is to have one fruit/veggie a day as opposed to another kind of snack (although to be honest I barely ate this week anyhow). my workout challenge of the week is to do at least 50 squats a day! (because i wanna firm up this booty, ya dig?)

As I was last week, I am still confident and excited about this adventure im taking with writing and weight loss, and maybe this can be the start of something amazing. tbh tho, im a little nervous because its said that the first five pounds in the first week come off the fastest, and from here it'll be a little slower. my mum says even if i keep up this amazing progress, i might only be losing 2 pounds a week, but that means losing 8 pounds a month, which is also not bad either. but still, secretly i want to roll in the new year at 160 (think i can lose 15 pounds in 28 days?) im sure it wont be that, but as long as i keep doing what im doing, im confident that i can make great progress by then.

Lets see how far i can take this shindig ;)
Prediction for next week's weight: 169lbs

Diary Of A Fat Girl, Week One

I've decided to do a new weekly thing. (and i guess on wednesdays now since i started live)

Current Weight: 181 lbs.
Current Mood: UUUUGHHH.

i want to lose weight, i dont really care what anyone says, and if anyone is saying i dont need to, y'all are crazy, and havn't seen me naked lately haha. so basically ive been trying to lose a mess of weight for as long as i can remember, but the number has only gone up up up. my friends/ family/ boyfriends thoughtout the years have tried to help me but it seems i just am not doing it right. lately, ive been having lack of inspiration to write; somewhat of a lack of motivation, lack of drive. I always write about new and exciting things. Well, I decided that maybe if i write my progress, i'll feel inspired to make progress, and when i make more progress, ill be more inspired to write about it.... you know?
It was basically as my mom said, i just am lazy... but when i want to do something like write a poem or make a scrapbook or make the greatest gift ever, cook a meal (all the things i like to do), i go at it hard!!! well, whats to say i cant connect something i dont love that much (dieting, excersizing... you know) to something i DO love, like writing? So I'll continue to write random things as i get inspired, but i will make sure to do a weekly progress report followed by a rant about life or something interesting.

anyways, it seems crazy, one day i was this little thing, and id get slightly more weight every once in a while but it was a normal amount, and i'd eat like a piggly, and it seems it all caught up with me, and i have to work twice as hard to get rid of it. but lets be honest, working out and eating well are a drag sometimes, so i will place myself a weekly goal to help me focus on those two aspects the most of all (with obviously including other things.. not JUST my goals... u know what i mean like i focus on this goal the most but im still going to eat healthy and workout.. just you know. :p)

So anyways, for working out, this weeks goal is to make sure i do 150 jumping jacks every day, along with my regular workout. (with breaks obvs not in a row)
And for my diet? this week's goal is to not have ANY coffee, soda (i rarely have it but still) and juice. milk and water and tea only; along with my regular diet.

Theres one exception a week, and mine this week is saturday night when i have my work's christmas party. :)

I think i like where this is going. im feeling really excited about it and im hoping for the best :)
thanks to everyone who's ever supported me, im not going to advertise this on facebook or twitter or whatever, i'll just leave it here, maybe in a few weeks ill tell some people about it, when they see my progress! ;)

LASTLY, i vow to never ever ever lie, i will not lie about my progress here, i will be completely honest even if its shitty and embarrassing. this is why i am doing this, to inspire me to do better for my blog, for the sake of my writing. for the sake of my health, and my looks, and my relationships and just me.

boom. week one has just started now!

she was beautiful

She was as beautiful as they described her,
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
I had never noticed her, the way she smiled, they way her eyes lit up.
I had always seen her flaws. fat. fat fat fat. bad skin. really bad skin...
I had only heard her flaws, stupid, loser, failure.
I hadn't taken a moment to hear her good qualities.

I had known her for as long as I can remember, 
but I never took the chance to get to know her;
I was always too busy with others.
Always trying to impress others, make sure they like you.
Whilst she was always true to herself.
She was a trooper, a real soldier of her kind. 
She was helpless, but she was strong, and made it through.
I never believed her, believed in her.
I didn't know her, I didn't know what she was capable of.
She was a swan, choosing to play the part of the ugly duckling.
She was harmed and beaten with words.
She wrote, she wrote for hours, for days.
I never read anything she wrote.

She was funny, when she wasn't trying too hard.

She was creative, and she was talented in what she put her mind to.

She treated her friends with respect, and her enemies with forgiveness.
She let people be who they were, even when that meant getting hurt by them.
She understood them, how they strive to please.
Today i decided it was time to meet her, the real her.
She understood me, and why I took so long to meet her.
She knew I was scared, for she was too, to come face to face with the reality.
I walked to my room and looked into my mirror.
Surprised by what I saw, I realized they were right.
She was as beautiful as they described her.
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
She was beautiful, on the inside and the outside.
And she was me this entire time.

on apologies, and friendship, and the need to write.

today is just a day you know?
just one of those days where you feel like you need to let out everything you have inside you.
I'll start of with apologies.

A long time ago, when I was first blogging, I wrote this blog about these two girlfriends I had, and how I felt like we were drifting apart. I felt like we used to be the three of us, and it became the two of them, and I wouldn't get invited much. I was feeling left out, and as you know when I feel bad or sad or something along those lines, I write about it. Well, I came to regretting that decision when they, being my friends were avid readers of my blog, were extremely angry at what I had written, knowing it was about them. I didn't want them to take it personally, it was just my way of getting out my feelings, and I wasn't mad, I was sad, and I wanted to know why people do things like that, so I wrote. Anyways, it destroyed our relationship, and imagine, that was in 2011. its 2014, almost two years to the days I had started to feel this way, and we havn't spoken to each other since. There were a few moments they would post or tweet or comment rude things about me, but it wouldn't phase me so much because thats how girls are to each other. I had wanted to say something to one of the girls for a while, but never had the courage. Tonight, I finally grew the balls, and I wrote her this massive apology note. It was hard for me, I had to explain my faults and my feelings, and I didn't even tell you guys, the reasons we started drifting is because I was mad at her for being worried about my drug abuse and telling my mother about it. Can you believe that? The first time in my life someone ever stepped up and tried to help me, and I pushed them away. So part of my apology letter was explaining it to her how it wasn't her, it was me and my fault. I was at a bad period of my life, and I should have accepted the help instead of rejecting it.
Then, I was feeling good, so I wrote to two more girls I had lost touch with, not as much fights just casual drifting apart, stuff like that. I was feeling amazing for about an hour, until I saw the first girl had read the message, and not answered, or said anything for that matter. I know I wasn't expecting much, but I was hoping for something. In the end, I was just glad I had said something. And who knows... maybe she'll decide to read my blog again and see this! ;)

Secondly, on friendship.
See I was doing some facebook stalking (you know you do it too), and everyone I was seeing knew everyone else I knew and I was just connecting puzzle pieces that I never knew would or could connect. I came to the conclusion that all of these people from my past know each other and are practically best friends. This made me sad, because all I wanted to know was... when did I miss that bus to be friends with all these people? I mean to them, I'm just "Oh yeah I worked with her" or "Oh Justine? Yeah I went to highschool with her, she was weird" and other variations of that. These people all know each other; their relationships, likes and dislikes, where they work, where they hangout because they know each other they took the time to get to know each other. It just seemed sad and weird to me that none of them ever took the time to get to know me. Weirder because I feel like I'm in a teenage drama highschool tv show but im not the main character im just someone who goes to school and sits in class with all the main characters of the show. I know you guys and stuff about you (not from facebook, from real life) but you don't know anything about me. Doesn't that feel wrong? Everyone wants to feel like the star of the tv show, but you always need extras, and I guess thats what I was in their tv show of life (so deep lmfao). All I know is, if people had gotten to know me a little better, maybe I'd be a part of that. But needless to say, most of those people I barely like so I'm not too shattered on the idea, it was just a fleeting thought that I wanted to reflect on and think about. I am quite content with my friends, my amazng boyfriend, and what the future of social life has in store for me!

Lastly, the need to write.
This, unlike the previous paragraph, is not a fleeting feeling. Its a feeling that lingers until you tend to it, like hunger or exhaustion (which im feeling now too actually). Sometimes, not that I have something interesting to say all the time, I feel the need to write. My body just wants to get things out; my brain can only take so much, until I need to dump it out so I can refill with feels and such. So tonight I was really feeling that need. When I feel that need, lately i've been opening my phone and writing poems. Most are love poems to my special man, but some are more than just love poems, they have deeper and more of a meaning. for some reason the whole blogging thing doesn't work on my phone, so I just write silly little dr. seuss rhymed poems, and I love them. but tonight wasn't a poem night, i knew i had too much on my brain and had to let it all out; and I'm glad I did. Sometimes I just wish I had more inspiration to do this thing I love most in the world. I really love to write; for example, right now I am smiling while I write (also because I said I'm smiling, it made me laugh a little). But how many people do you know who smile while they write? usually its a more concentrated thing, where you're reflecting and thinking hard and choosing the perfect words to formulate and put these impossible feelings into the right words. But for me, writing just comes easy, I dont have to think about the next line; I just have to write, and things come to me themselves. I'm lucky to have the knowledge to read and write, and the fact that (im told) I do it well? well thats just a bonus. I never really re-read my writings after I post them because I get nervous I'll think something is stupid and delete it. But its just me, coming out on my keyboard, and since i'm not stupid (all the time), then what I am writing surely can't be too bad. So I vow to read this and make NOOOO changes, as soon as I finish.

Thats it, my need is satisfied, my conscience feels clearer, and I'm superrrrr tired. thanks for reading and believing in me, whoever you are reading this. much love!!

recycling bin full of uselessness

Sorry I've not posted in a while, but I doubt you guys are "crying" about it haha.

So last night I did something truly inspiring to myself. Because I am off to Concordia (University) in the fall, and my laptop is a mess of viruses, crappy battery, and just old as fuuuuck, I decided to go ahead and buy a new laptop either this or next week, because man, I deserve something nice and new :P

Because I made this decision, I wanted to clear out a lot of things on my computer first, I don't want to get all those viruses, plus I had a lot of useless documents, or meme pictures, stupid things saved on my computer. As I started deleting the things I'd never need, I saw the things I didn't want, all the pictures from high school -where I was massively bullied by my "so called" friends- and pictures of my early days in camp, pictures with girls who decided one day they hated me and never wanted to see me again, pictures with now enemies, for no reason whatsoever, oh and there were so many damn selfies' I didn't even know how to handle that part it took hours to delete all of that. I decided it was time to leave that crummy past behind (besides pictures I loved of childhood, and pictures that meant something to me) and I deleted it all. over 10,000 pictures. As I watched the popup window on my screen say "Deleting", for a fleeting moment, it felt as though I was actually deleting my past, and that it had never happened, all that was left was the good moments, and who I am today. And guess what? I was happy. I was really happy to get rid of all that crap.

Now, I guess you can say I regret it. I really don't regret it much, but everything I got rid of, makes me who I am today. It's not the pictures, It's the idea that I wanted to delete my past, and I was regretting big parts of my life. But the thing is, I don't regret my life, I don't regret the friendships I had, even if they turned out lousy, because I always learnt something. I don't regret high school (although I definitely regret some parts of it) because I learn't to be strong, it was one of my bravest moments in my life so far. I don't regret cute pictures with ex boyfriends that now live in my little recycling bin, because without those ex's, I wouldn't be with the man I am today.

I never wanted to be a girl who lived with regrets. So I'm really trying to find the good in every mistake I've made. It's hard, but it's really worth it, because I feel a lot happier with who I am today knowing the crap I had to get here. But here I am, clicking not "restore" but "empty" on my recycling bin, because I'll never forget those moments, but I am deleting those useless pictures, to make room for new and better memories I wont have to delete.

Love you forever blog, even if I don't write often, you're always there for me <3 p="">

"Good Morning"

yet another poem post haha. this one i wrote for the love of my life, my boyfriend. he's just so incredible and he is  totally my muse, he is the object of my affection and i just love him dearly. :) enjoy!

when i fell asleep,
i was thinking of you,
and when i woke up,
my dream was still true.

you're still mine,
we are still in love,
i think someone likes us,
from up above.

they gave us this love,
now we have a chance,
at a wonderful life,
a beautiful romance.

and my dream was just great,
because you were there,
you grabbed onto my face,
and gave me a stare,

you know the stare,
where you give me that smile,
where i cant stop staring,
for a really long while.

you gave me ten kisses,
all over my face,
and you took your finger,
over my lips you trace.

i kissed you right back,
and you held my hand,
the love i feel for you,
you cannot understand.

i blushed really hard,
i turned beet red,
i think all this passion,
is getting to my head.

i snuggled my pillow,
continued to dream,
about you and i together,
we make such a great team.

i woke up this morning,
and you are still mine,
i guess that today,
the sun is gona shine!

the end ;) and i love yah babe ;)

Good Enough

I actually just finnished writing this poem about a sad experience of rejection i just got. I am very very let down about this, but just as always, writing got me through it. funny enough, i was rejected from a writing program at school... hmmm...

you are not accepted,
is what the letter said,      
we don't want you here,
is what i just read.

but what have i done?
i ask with a cry. 
you're just not good enough,
they say with a sigh.

from childhood up,
i tried my absolute best,
i studied real hard,
and i passed every test.

but why cant i go further?
is the question i ask,
but they assume i am not,
fit for such a task.

i'll do my very best,
i'd promised i'd try,
but im just not good enough,
and i wouldn't get by.

i just want a chance,
to show i am right,
for a place in your class,
i know i am bright.         

i tried and i tried,
theyre choice didnt change,
i guess my stuff isnt good enough,
i guess my writings too strange.

i know i am weird,
i know i don't fit in,
i only can write,
of the places i've been.

i guess i'm not creative,
i guess i'm not smart,
i guess they have no idea,
what to call art.

they don't even know me,
my strength and my want,
these are not qualities,
i particularily flaunt.

they cannot judge me,
or say i'm not good,
for if they read some more,
theyd change their minds, they would.

just because I write simply,
doesnt mean I write poor,
my writings have passion,
they have meaning, they have more.

i know i am good enough,
theyre stupid if they can't see.
i might not be good enough for them,
but i am good enough for me.

the end

"Stupid Nice Guys"

I wrote this poem, entitled "Stupid Nice Guys" about a lot of what I see today. So many nice guys who deserve a nice girl are sucked into the vortex of girls with boyfriends looking for some attention, so maybe some of you guys or girls who have been in the situation (I know I have) will relate to this.

he finally meets you,
he's found a sweet girl,
one he could take home,
as rare as a pearl

he knows you're spoken for
a fact that brews hate
he knows if he tries hard
you could be his soul mate        

you get to know eachother,
he is a good friend,
he gives you those butterflies,
you never want it to end.

you know you have someone,
but he doesnt compliment your smile,
in fact he hasn't said anything,
very sweet for a while.

you develop that crush,
you know the kind,
the one that keeps him,  
stuck in your mind.

you tell him your problems,
he listens and learns,
but for your touch and kiss,
is really what he yearns.

he waits for a while,
for a moment to move
when you've gotten into a fight,
he gets into his groove.

he lays upon you a kiss,
with the passionate feel,
you're feeling the fireworks,
unsure if its real.

but he's your best friend,
and your boyfriend doesnt know,
but you continue to kiss him,
you dont want that feeling to go.

when it comes time to choose,
you know you must stay,
the real love for your first,
will not go away.

he looks in your eyes,
unsure what to say,
i guess those kisses,
meant nothing anyway.

and those words and those actions,
saying he was a great guy,
saying you wish you could choose,
saying this is making you cry.
                                                           
he doesnt know what to believe,
you've broken his heart,                  
he thought you'd leave him,
and your relationship would start.  

he feels so abandoned,
he feels so used,                            
he had thought that you loved him,     
he feels so abused.
                                                            
you move on with your life,
sad to have lost a good guy,
but you go back to your boyfriend,
without a blink of an eye

you kiss him goodmorning,
tell him you love him so,
that theres nobody in the world,
to whom youd rather go.

he has no idea,
you're telling a lie,
to you hes just another,
stupid nice guy.

Cool Girls Like Us

they say its cause,
my music is too loud,
my shirts are to guy-ish
they really arent proud

i resemble a woman,
but i act like a man,
but i dress like one too,
they never understand.

cause my voice it projects,
cause my shirts are too large,
cause i talk about my sexuality,
cause i am in charge. 

its because i dont live for pink,
and i burp at the table,
doesn't mean im not like you,
doesn't mean im not stable.

because i curse way too much,
because i'd smile at a stanger,
because i had a drug phase,
doesnt mean im much danger.

cause i always laugh,
when someone farts,
cause i hangout with guys,
i still have female parts.

just cause i am myself,
i can't be accepted,
but really i am,
it is YOU whos rejected.  

you think we all want you,         
the people like me,
but we watch and we laugh,
you're faker than barbie.

we love who we are,
and we will never change,
the cool girls like us,
we will always be strange.

if that makes me weird,
then i celebrate it,                      
whats the point in being yourself,
if you're just going to hate it?   

learn to love the hate,
that people give you,
all it can mean,
is that you are true.

Imagine If...

So I was facebook stalking and one page brought me to another and then another and all the sudden I stumbled upon this girl I know but I cannot stand. To me, this girl had always been mean to everyone a little different, was selfish, rude, one of those class A bitches that we so hate. But she was STUNNING.. and when i say stunning, i mean it. Like I couldn't find insults on her appearance, cause shes just so beautiful.

Then.... I had a thought. As I was jealously wishing I was as beautiful as most of these people I see, I realized that a lot of them I hadn't liked. Was it because of appearance or events? I guess a bit of both.

So I thought, imagine if your looks changed based on who you are on the inside. Like the nicer and more accepting and better of a person you are, the better looking you are, and vise versa.

See heres the way I see it: In today's society, as much as we preach about "be the best YOU you can be" "looks don't matter its whats on the inside", looks will come into play when concerning the person you end up with, and/or the job you can end up with (if its a 'serving the public' kind of job, people prefer a prettier face). So why can't people who are amazing people be in amazing jobs? or find a mate whos equally as amazing? Instead of the hot girls with no personality and who are selfish gold-diggers going for the rich nice guys who are ugly, well the rich nice guys would be hot, and then the nice girls who are worth dating will ALSO be hot! its a win win for cool people like you (i assume if you read my blog you're automatically awesome in every way) and me! ya get me?

So this isn't as much a post to complain, more just like me and my silly monday morning ideas, because its not fair how people who are ugly on the inside are allowed to be pretty on the outside and get whatever they want and do whatever they please because they're good looking and for some reason we put those people so high up on a pedestal that they have to make us do everything for them because if they do one thing they'll fall off the pedestal to their untimely death.

^ i think that was me subtly complaining.

I guess my big moral that has nothing to do with anything but also everything to do with anything is to actually get to know people first, which seems liek a big big pattern in my blogs. Too often I watch good people get judged too soon and too harshly. I see it happen to a lot of my guy friends; take one look at a girl whos a 7 and go naaahh shes not hot... but in truth she is hot on the inside and out. But they say no cause they're too busy chasing that 10 that put them in the friendzone a year ago but they're sure they can escape like THERES NO ESCAPE. 1/1000000000000 is an exception and im telling you, its not you because it was my boyfriend. so wait until another 99999999999 guys try to get out friendzone, and when they all fail, you go for it. looolll thats a joke don't do that. 

anyways, off to make the bills at work, have a nice day !

from pencil to paper, to keyboard to computer screen, 

JUS

Goodnight Reality; poems by jus

I wrote this poem, entitled Goodnight Reality, about a dream I had a while back- not to be confused with an experience of mine or anyone I know.

I sat there and talked,

my family all around,
i sat there and talked,
and nobody made a sound.    

some kid came and pointed,
"theres nobody there,
you look pretty stupid,
the other kids are starting to stare".

i looked up and laughed,
"right there is my friend,
and there is another"    
the kid did not comprehend          

"thats my mom, thats my dad,
they live up in heaven,      
and right there is my brother,
they died when i was seven"

"you may not see them,
but thankfully I do,
they come down to visit,
i know it is true"

one big kid came up,
sat right infront of me,
"so im sitting on one?"
he mocked out with glee.

"thats my mom!" i screamed, 
i ran away and cried,
why does nobody understand,
that i had not lied.               

these ghosts are real,
i see them all day,
they follow me around,
teach me what to do and say.

although i am orphaned,
i am not alone,
for one day i'll go to them,
in their heavenly home.

ill tell them i miss them,
each and every day,
but i wont anymore,
cause im there to stay.

i got my chair and my rope,
and with it a big frown,
for i'll miss my friends here,
but in memories i drown.

i hung myself up,
i tied the rope tight,
goodmorning to my family,
to reality, goodnight.

Perception of Normal

Today something really inspired me to write.
I have a friend that I've known a long time who was always pretty crazy, but thats why we got along so well. As most relationships do, we've drifted apart and back together, but thats not really important.
What's important is that about a year ago we reconnected and she is the same as shes always been, child-like immaturity that I loved about her stayed the same, she didn't change a bit and I really respected and liked that about her. Tonight I was with a friend (who knew her) and he asked me how she and I came to being friends again, so I explained the story and after had said that shes the same way she used to be. He cringed, and so did the other person I had been with. She was the type of friend who played video games, read comics, did cosplaying and marched to the beat of her own drum. Although a little crazy, she is a sweet and caring girl, she's funny, she's fun to be around, and she's a loyal friend, so I see nothing wrong with her. She is a gamer, like many of my friends, and I find her totally cool.
What bothered me is the people I was with weren't at ALL like her, or me, as a matter of fact, or any of my other friends. This girl said to me "shes not normal" and thats when I got really angry and ended the conversation, changed the topic, because I don't enjoy listening to people talk shit about my friends.
As I got home I knew I needed to write this because I felt extremely uneasy about not sticking up for my friend, about not saying anything.
I mean, what is NORMAL anyways? Its one thing to say "I don't like her" or something like that, because thats an opinion of yours, you don't have to like her. But what makes her less normal than anyone else? Because she's not into the same stuff you are? Because she has interests in cosplay and in anime, just like they have interests in gossip girl and fashion? Because she's a little crazy and outgoing? I mean if they didn't like that, they wouldn't even be my friend. I know well enough that either of those people never took a chance to even be friends with her, they just marked her as weird from the get-go, without even getting to know her. I have so much respect for people who aren't shy, who don't let the opinions or thoughts of others get in their way. I am proud to have a friend like her, but I'm not proud to have friends that could insult another human being like that. She didn't do ANYTHING wrong, she's just different.
To be honest, shes not that different. I mean if you think shes weird, tell that to the other thousands of people at comicons.. All of my friends from gamers club at abbott think that YOU'RE weird for the things you do, but I can tell you not in a MILLION years would they call someone "not normal", or reject anyone from hanging out. Some of the best people I know are people who would be branded as "not normal"...
I mean me, IM NOT NORMAL.. I dance around in my underwear to the beatles almost every day, I take HOURSSSS to prepare the littlest things like a birthday card or even just a poem. I talk to my teddy bears that I sleep with every night. once i give something a name, i am immediately attached to it as if its a real person, and i refuse to sleep with socks on. i write rhyme poetry when i feel angry, and i find bologna and peanut butter tastes weird but good together, just like ketchup and cucumbers. I AM WEIRD, I AM "NOT NORMAL" and im damn proud of it.

i know this is classic relativism, but normal is all about everyones perception. what you think is normal may not be normal to others. a serial killer whos sick in the head (this is an awful example what am i thinking) will believe that what he's doing is normal, although we're all like wtf. so yeah that example sucked but i mean things like what happened today about my friend, shes totally normal, i think its the people who have to spend their time making others feel bad isn't normal, its mean and its unfair and its unjust. before you judge someone, get to know them. obviously you hear that all the time, but seriously, get to know people, you'll be very surprised at what you learn and who you meet, the strangest of people can make the best of friends, and maybe you'll see you like what they do, and they might like what you do..

yeah, i don't like when people insult my friends, it makes me feel very bad that im sitting around listening to this, so forwarning, if you dont like one of my friends, feel free to tell me and we can talk about it, but when you start ripping on the people i care about without mercy, im not going to sit around and listen to that crap. I'd rather be around people who are more accepting.

thanks for listening yeo
sincerely, jus.