Diary Of A Fat Girl, Week One

I've decided to do a new weekly thing. (and i guess on wednesdays now since i started live)

Current Weight: 181 lbs.
Current Mood: UUUUGHHH.

i want to lose weight, i dont really care what anyone says, and if anyone is saying i dont need to, y'all are crazy, and havn't seen me naked lately haha. so basically ive been trying to lose a mess of weight for as long as i can remember, but the number has only gone up up up. my friends/ family/ boyfriends thoughtout the years have tried to help me but it seems i just am not doing it right. lately, ive been having lack of inspiration to write; somewhat of a lack of motivation, lack of drive. I always write about new and exciting things. Well, I decided that maybe if i write my progress, i'll feel inspired to make progress, and when i make more progress, ill be more inspired to write about it.... you know?
It was basically as my mom said, i just am lazy... but when i want to do something like write a poem or make a scrapbook or make the greatest gift ever, cook a meal (all the things i like to do), i go at it hard!!! well, whats to say i cant connect something i dont love that much (dieting, excersizing... you know) to something i DO love, like writing? So I'll continue to write random things as i get inspired, but i will make sure to do a weekly progress report followed by a rant about life or something interesting.

anyways, it seems crazy, one day i was this little thing, and id get slightly more weight every once in a while but it was a normal amount, and i'd eat like a piggly, and it seems it all caught up with me, and i have to work twice as hard to get rid of it. but lets be honest, working out and eating well are a drag sometimes, so i will place myself a weekly goal to help me focus on those two aspects the most of all (with obviously including other things.. not JUST my goals... u know what i mean like i focus on this goal the most but im still going to eat healthy and workout.. just you know. :p)

So anyways, for working out, this weeks goal is to make sure i do 150 jumping jacks every day, along with my regular workout. (with breaks obvs not in a row)
And for my diet? this week's goal is to not have ANY coffee, soda (i rarely have it but still) and juice. milk and water and tea only; along with my regular diet.

Theres one exception a week, and mine this week is saturday night when i have my work's christmas party. :)

I think i like where this is going. im feeling really excited about it and im hoping for the best :)
thanks to everyone who's ever supported me, im not going to advertise this on facebook or twitter or whatever, i'll just leave it here, maybe in a few weeks ill tell some people about it, when they see my progress! ;)

LASTLY, i vow to never ever ever lie, i will not lie about my progress here, i will be completely honest even if its shitty and embarrassing. this is why i am doing this, to inspire me to do better for my blog, for the sake of my writing. for the sake of my health, and my looks, and my relationships and just me.

boom. week one has just started now!

she was beautiful

She was as beautiful as they described her,
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
I had never noticed her, the way she smiled, they way her eyes lit up.
I had always seen her flaws. fat. fat fat fat. bad skin. really bad skin...
I had only heard her flaws, stupid, loser, failure.
I hadn't taken a moment to hear her good qualities.

I had known her for as long as I can remember, 
but I never took the chance to get to know her;
I was always too busy with others.
Always trying to impress others, make sure they like you.
Whilst she was always true to herself.
She was a trooper, a real soldier of her kind. 
She was helpless, but she was strong, and made it through.
I never believed her, believed in her.
I didn't know her, I didn't know what she was capable of.
She was a swan, choosing to play the part of the ugly duckling.
She was harmed and beaten with words.
She wrote, she wrote for hours, for days.
I never read anything she wrote.

She was funny, when she wasn't trying too hard.

She was creative, and she was talented in what she put her mind to.

She treated her friends with respect, and her enemies with forgiveness.
She let people be who they were, even when that meant getting hurt by them.
She understood them, how they strive to please.
Today i decided it was time to meet her, the real her.
She understood me, and why I took so long to meet her.
She knew I was scared, for she was too, to come face to face with the reality.
I walked to my room and looked into my mirror.
Surprised by what I saw, I realized they were right.
She was as beautiful as they described her.
Even more so because she was real, in the flesh, right in front of me.
She was beautiful, on the inside and the outside.
And she was me this entire time.

on apologies, and friendship, and the need to write.

today is just a day you know?
just one of those days where you feel like you need to let out everything you have inside you.
I'll start of with apologies.

A long time ago, when I was first blogging, I wrote this blog about these two girlfriends I had, and how I felt like we were drifting apart. I felt like we used to be the three of us, and it became the two of them, and I wouldn't get invited much. I was feeling left out, and as you know when I feel bad or sad or something along those lines, I write about it. Well, I came to regretting that decision when they, being my friends were avid readers of my blog, were extremely angry at what I had written, knowing it was about them. I didn't want them to take it personally, it was just my way of getting out my feelings, and I wasn't mad, I was sad, and I wanted to know why people do things like that, so I wrote. Anyways, it destroyed our relationship, and imagine, that was in 2011. its 2014, almost two years to the days I had started to feel this way, and we havn't spoken to each other since. There were a few moments they would post or tweet or comment rude things about me, but it wouldn't phase me so much because thats how girls are to each other. I had wanted to say something to one of the girls for a while, but never had the courage. Tonight, I finally grew the balls, and I wrote her this massive apology note. It was hard for me, I had to explain my faults and my feelings, and I didn't even tell you guys, the reasons we started drifting is because I was mad at her for being worried about my drug abuse and telling my mother about it. Can you believe that? The first time in my life someone ever stepped up and tried to help me, and I pushed them away. So part of my apology letter was explaining it to her how it wasn't her, it was me and my fault. I was at a bad period of my life, and I should have accepted the help instead of rejecting it.
Then, I was feeling good, so I wrote to two more girls I had lost touch with, not as much fights just casual drifting apart, stuff like that. I was feeling amazing for about an hour, until I saw the first girl had read the message, and not answered, or said anything for that matter. I know I wasn't expecting much, but I was hoping for something. In the end, I was just glad I had said something. And who knows... maybe she'll decide to read my blog again and see this! ;)

Secondly, on friendship.
See I was doing some facebook stalking (you know you do it too), and everyone I was seeing knew everyone else I knew and I was just connecting puzzle pieces that I never knew would or could connect. I came to the conclusion that all of these people from my past know each other and are practically best friends. This made me sad, because all I wanted to know was... when did I miss that bus to be friends with all these people? I mean to them, I'm just "Oh yeah I worked with her" or "Oh Justine? Yeah I went to highschool with her, she was weird" and other variations of that. These people all know each other; their relationships, likes and dislikes, where they work, where they hangout because they know each other they took the time to get to know each other. It just seemed sad and weird to me that none of them ever took the time to get to know me. Weirder because I feel like I'm in a teenage drama highschool tv show but im not the main character im just someone who goes to school and sits in class with all the main characters of the show. I know you guys and stuff about you (not from facebook, from real life) but you don't know anything about me. Doesn't that feel wrong? Everyone wants to feel like the star of the tv show, but you always need extras, and I guess thats what I was in their tv show of life (so deep lmfao). All I know is, if people had gotten to know me a little better, maybe I'd be a part of that. But needless to say, most of those people I barely like so I'm not too shattered on the idea, it was just a fleeting thought that I wanted to reflect on and think about. I am quite content with my friends, my amazng boyfriend, and what the future of social life has in store for me!

Lastly, the need to write.
This, unlike the previous paragraph, is not a fleeting feeling. Its a feeling that lingers until you tend to it, like hunger or exhaustion (which im feeling now too actually). Sometimes, not that I have something interesting to say all the time, I feel the need to write. My body just wants to get things out; my brain can only take so much, until I need to dump it out so I can refill with feels and such. So tonight I was really feeling that need. When I feel that need, lately i've been opening my phone and writing poems. Most are love poems to my special man, but some are more than just love poems, they have deeper and more of a meaning. for some reason the whole blogging thing doesn't work on my phone, so I just write silly little dr. seuss rhymed poems, and I love them. but tonight wasn't a poem night, i knew i had too much on my brain and had to let it all out; and I'm glad I did. Sometimes I just wish I had more inspiration to do this thing I love most in the world. I really love to write; for example, right now I am smiling while I write (also because I said I'm smiling, it made me laugh a little). But how many people do you know who smile while they write? usually its a more concentrated thing, where you're reflecting and thinking hard and choosing the perfect words to formulate and put these impossible feelings into the right words. But for me, writing just comes easy, I dont have to think about the next line; I just have to write, and things come to me themselves. I'm lucky to have the knowledge to read and write, and the fact that (im told) I do it well? well thats just a bonus. I never really re-read my writings after I post them because I get nervous I'll think something is stupid and delete it. But its just me, coming out on my keyboard, and since i'm not stupid (all the time), then what I am writing surely can't be too bad. So I vow to read this and make NOOOO changes, as soon as I finish.

Thats it, my need is satisfied, my conscience feels clearer, and I'm superrrrr tired. thanks for reading and believing in me, whoever you are reading this. much love!!

recycling bin full of uselessness

Sorry I've not posted in a while, but I doubt you guys are "crying" about it haha.

So last night I did something truly inspiring to myself. Because I am off to Concordia (University) in the fall, and my laptop is a mess of viruses, crappy battery, and just old as fuuuuck, I decided to go ahead and buy a new laptop either this or next week, because man, I deserve something nice and new :P

Because I made this decision, I wanted to clear out a lot of things on my computer first, I don't want to get all those viruses, plus I had a lot of useless documents, or meme pictures, stupid things saved on my computer. As I started deleting the things I'd never need, I saw the things I didn't want, all the pictures from high school -where I was massively bullied by my "so called" friends- and pictures of my early days in camp, pictures with girls who decided one day they hated me and never wanted to see me again, pictures with now enemies, for no reason whatsoever, oh and there were so many damn selfies' I didn't even know how to handle that part it took hours to delete all of that. I decided it was time to leave that crummy past behind (besides pictures I loved of childhood, and pictures that meant something to me) and I deleted it all. over 10,000 pictures. As I watched the popup window on my screen say "Deleting", for a fleeting moment, it felt as though I was actually deleting my past, and that it had never happened, all that was left was the good moments, and who I am today. And guess what? I was happy. I was really happy to get rid of all that crap.

Now, I guess you can say I regret it. I really don't regret it much, but everything I got rid of, makes me who I am today. It's not the pictures, It's the idea that I wanted to delete my past, and I was regretting big parts of my life. But the thing is, I don't regret my life, I don't regret the friendships I had, even if they turned out lousy, because I always learnt something. I don't regret high school (although I definitely regret some parts of it) because I learn't to be strong, it was one of my bravest moments in my life so far. I don't regret cute pictures with ex boyfriends that now live in my little recycling bin, because without those ex's, I wouldn't be with the man I am today.

I never wanted to be a girl who lived with regrets. So I'm really trying to find the good in every mistake I've made. It's hard, but it's really worth it, because I feel a lot happier with who I am today knowing the crap I had to get here. But here I am, clicking not "restore" but "empty" on my recycling bin, because I'll never forget those moments, but I am deleting those useless pictures, to make room for new and better memories I wont have to delete.

Love you forever blog, even if I don't write often, you're always there for me <3 p="">

"Good Morning"

yet another poem post haha. this one i wrote for the love of my life, my boyfriend. he's just so incredible and he is  totally my muse, he is the object of my affection and i just love him dearly. :) enjoy!

when i fell asleep,
i was thinking of you,
and when i woke up,
my dream was still true.

you're still mine,
we are still in love,
i think someone likes us,
from up above.

they gave us this love,
now we have a chance,
at a wonderful life,
a beautiful romance.

and my dream was just great,
because you were there,
you grabbed onto my face,
and gave me a stare,

you know the stare,
where you give me that smile,
where i cant stop staring,
for a really long while.

you gave me ten kisses,
all over my face,
and you took your finger,
over my lips you trace.

i kissed you right back,
and you held my hand,
the love i feel for you,
you cannot understand.

i blushed really hard,
i turned beet red,
i think all this passion,
is getting to my head.

i snuggled my pillow,
continued to dream,
about you and i together,
we make such a great team.

i woke up this morning,
and you are still mine,
i guess that today,
the sun is gona shine!

the end ;) and i love yah babe ;)

Good Enough

I actually just finnished writing this poem about a sad experience of rejection i just got. I am very very let down about this, but just as always, writing got me through it. funny enough, i was rejected from a writing program at school... hmmm...

you are not accepted,
is what the letter said,      
we don't want you here,
is what i just read.

but what have i done?
i ask with a cry. 
you're just not good enough,
they say with a sigh.

from childhood up,
i tried my absolute best,
i studied real hard,
and i passed every test.

but why cant i go further?
is the question i ask,
but they assume i am not,
fit for such a task.

i'll do my very best,
i'd promised i'd try,
but im just not good enough,
and i wouldn't get by.

i just want a chance,
to show i am right,
for a place in your class,
i know i am bright.         

i tried and i tried,
theyre choice didnt change,
i guess my stuff isnt good enough,
i guess my writings too strange.

i know i am weird,
i know i don't fit in,
i only can write,
of the places i've been.

i guess i'm not creative,
i guess i'm not smart,
i guess they have no idea,
what to call art.

they don't even know me,
my strength and my want,
these are not qualities,
i particularily flaunt.

they cannot judge me,
or say i'm not good,
for if they read some more,
theyd change their minds, they would.

just because I write simply,
doesnt mean I write poor,
my writings have passion,
they have meaning, they have more.

i know i am good enough,
theyre stupid if they can't see.
i might not be good enough for them,
but i am good enough for me.

the end

"Stupid Nice Guys"

I wrote this poem, entitled "Stupid Nice Guys" about a lot of what I see today. So many nice guys who deserve a nice girl are sucked into the vortex of girls with boyfriends looking for some attention, so maybe some of you guys or girls who have been in the situation (I know I have) will relate to this.

he finally meets you,
he's found a sweet girl,
one he could take home,
as rare as a pearl

he knows you're spoken for
a fact that brews hate
he knows if he tries hard
you could be his soul mate        

you get to know eachother,
he is a good friend,
he gives you those butterflies,
you never want it to end.

you know you have someone,
but he doesnt compliment your smile,
in fact he hasn't said anything,
very sweet for a while.

you develop that crush,
you know the kind,
the one that keeps him,  
stuck in your mind.

you tell him your problems,
he listens and learns,
but for your touch and kiss,
is really what he yearns.

he waits for a while,
for a moment to move
when you've gotten into a fight,
he gets into his groove.

he lays upon you a kiss,
with the passionate feel,
you're feeling the fireworks,
unsure if its real.

but he's your best friend,
and your boyfriend doesnt know,
but you continue to kiss him,
you dont want that feeling to go.

when it comes time to choose,
you know you must stay,
the real love for your first,
will not go away.

he looks in your eyes,
unsure what to say,
i guess those kisses,
meant nothing anyway.

and those words and those actions,
saying he was a great guy,
saying you wish you could choose,
saying this is making you cry.
                                                           
he doesnt know what to believe,
you've broken his heart,                  
he thought you'd leave him,
and your relationship would start.  

he feels so abandoned,
he feels so used,                            
he had thought that you loved him,     
he feels so abused.
                                                            
you move on with your life,
sad to have lost a good guy,
but you go back to your boyfriend,
without a blink of an eye

you kiss him goodmorning,
tell him you love him so,
that theres nobody in the world,
to whom youd rather go.

he has no idea,
you're telling a lie,
to you hes just another,
stupid nice guy.

Cool Girls Like Us

they say its cause,
my music is too loud,
my shirts are to guy-ish
they really arent proud

i resemble a woman,
but i act like a man,
but i dress like one too,
they never understand.

cause my voice it projects,
cause my shirts are too large,
cause i talk about my sexuality,
cause i am in charge. 

its because i dont live for pink,
and i burp at the table,
doesn't mean im not like you,
doesn't mean im not stable.

because i curse way too much,
because i'd smile at a stanger,
because i had a drug phase,
doesnt mean im much danger.

cause i always laugh,
when someone farts,
cause i hangout with guys,
i still have female parts.

just cause i am myself,
i can't be accepted,
but really i am,
it is YOU whos rejected.  

you think we all want you,         
the people like me,
but we watch and we laugh,
you're faker than barbie.

we love who we are,
and we will never change,
the cool girls like us,
we will always be strange.

if that makes me weird,
then i celebrate it,                      
whats the point in being yourself,
if you're just going to hate it?   

learn to love the hate,
that people give you,
all it can mean,
is that you are true.

Imagine If...

So I was facebook stalking and one page brought me to another and then another and all the sudden I stumbled upon this girl I know but I cannot stand. To me, this girl had always been mean to everyone a little different, was selfish, rude, one of those class A bitches that we so hate. But she was STUNNING.. and when i say stunning, i mean it. Like I couldn't find insults on her appearance, cause shes just so beautiful.

Then.... I had a thought. As I was jealously wishing I was as beautiful as most of these people I see, I realized that a lot of them I hadn't liked. Was it because of appearance or events? I guess a bit of both.

So I thought, imagine if your looks changed based on who you are on the inside. Like the nicer and more accepting and better of a person you are, the better looking you are, and vise versa.

See heres the way I see it: In today's society, as much as we preach about "be the best YOU you can be" "looks don't matter its whats on the inside", looks will come into play when concerning the person you end up with, and/or the job you can end up with (if its a 'serving the public' kind of job, people prefer a prettier face). So why can't people who are amazing people be in amazing jobs? or find a mate whos equally as amazing? Instead of the hot girls with no personality and who are selfish gold-diggers going for the rich nice guys who are ugly, well the rich nice guys would be hot, and then the nice girls who are worth dating will ALSO be hot! its a win win for cool people like you (i assume if you read my blog you're automatically awesome in every way) and me! ya get me?

So this isn't as much a post to complain, more just like me and my silly monday morning ideas, because its not fair how people who are ugly on the inside are allowed to be pretty on the outside and get whatever they want and do whatever they please because they're good looking and for some reason we put those people so high up on a pedestal that they have to make us do everything for them because if they do one thing they'll fall off the pedestal to their untimely death.

^ i think that was me subtly complaining.

I guess my big moral that has nothing to do with anything but also everything to do with anything is to actually get to know people first, which seems liek a big big pattern in my blogs. Too often I watch good people get judged too soon and too harshly. I see it happen to a lot of my guy friends; take one look at a girl whos a 7 and go naaahh shes not hot... but in truth she is hot on the inside and out. But they say no cause they're too busy chasing that 10 that put them in the friendzone a year ago but they're sure they can escape like THERES NO ESCAPE. 1/1000000000000 is an exception and im telling you, its not you because it was my boyfriend. so wait until another 99999999999 guys try to get out friendzone, and when they all fail, you go for it. looolll thats a joke don't do that. 

anyways, off to make the bills at work, have a nice day !

from pencil to paper, to keyboard to computer screen, 

JUS

Goodnight Reality; poems by jus

I wrote this poem, entitled Goodnight Reality, about a dream I had a while back- not to be confused with an experience of mine or anyone I know.

I sat there and talked,

my family all around,
i sat there and talked,
and nobody made a sound.    

some kid came and pointed,
"theres nobody there,
you look pretty stupid,
the other kids are starting to stare".

i looked up and laughed,
"right there is my friend,
and there is another"    
the kid did not comprehend          

"thats my mom, thats my dad,
they live up in heaven,      
and right there is my brother,
they died when i was seven"

"you may not see them,
but thankfully I do,
they come down to visit,
i know it is true"

one big kid came up,
sat right infront of me,
"so im sitting on one?"
he mocked out with glee.

"thats my mom!" i screamed, 
i ran away and cried,
why does nobody understand,
that i had not lied.               

these ghosts are real,
i see them all day,
they follow me around,
teach me what to do and say.

although i am orphaned,
i am not alone,
for one day i'll go to them,
in their heavenly home.

ill tell them i miss them,
each and every day,
but i wont anymore,
cause im there to stay.

i got my chair and my rope,
and with it a big frown,
for i'll miss my friends here,
but in memories i drown.

i hung myself up,
i tied the rope tight,
goodmorning to my family,
to reality, goodnight.

Perception of Normal

Today something really inspired me to write.
I have a friend that I've known a long time who was always pretty crazy, but thats why we got along so well. As most relationships do, we've drifted apart and back together, but thats not really important.
What's important is that about a year ago we reconnected and she is the same as shes always been, child-like immaturity that I loved about her stayed the same, she didn't change a bit and I really respected and liked that about her. Tonight I was with a friend (who knew her) and he asked me how she and I came to being friends again, so I explained the story and after had said that shes the same way she used to be. He cringed, and so did the other person I had been with. She was the type of friend who played video games, read comics, did cosplaying and marched to the beat of her own drum. Although a little crazy, she is a sweet and caring girl, she's funny, she's fun to be around, and she's a loyal friend, so I see nothing wrong with her. She is a gamer, like many of my friends, and I find her totally cool.
What bothered me is the people I was with weren't at ALL like her, or me, as a matter of fact, or any of my other friends. This girl said to me "shes not normal" and thats when I got really angry and ended the conversation, changed the topic, because I don't enjoy listening to people talk shit about my friends.
As I got home I knew I needed to write this because I felt extremely uneasy about not sticking up for my friend, about not saying anything.
I mean, what is NORMAL anyways? Its one thing to say "I don't like her" or something like that, because thats an opinion of yours, you don't have to like her. But what makes her less normal than anyone else? Because she's not into the same stuff you are? Because she has interests in cosplay and in anime, just like they have interests in gossip girl and fashion? Because she's a little crazy and outgoing? I mean if they didn't like that, they wouldn't even be my friend. I know well enough that either of those people never took a chance to even be friends with her, they just marked her as weird from the get-go, without even getting to know her. I have so much respect for people who aren't shy, who don't let the opinions or thoughts of others get in their way. I am proud to have a friend like her, but I'm not proud to have friends that could insult another human being like that. She didn't do ANYTHING wrong, she's just different.
To be honest, shes not that different. I mean if you think shes weird, tell that to the other thousands of people at comicons.. All of my friends from gamers club at abbott think that YOU'RE weird for the things you do, but I can tell you not in a MILLION years would they call someone "not normal", or reject anyone from hanging out. Some of the best people I know are people who would be branded as "not normal"...
I mean me, IM NOT NORMAL.. I dance around in my underwear to the beatles almost every day, I take HOURSSSS to prepare the littlest things like a birthday card or even just a poem. I talk to my teddy bears that I sleep with every night. once i give something a name, i am immediately attached to it as if its a real person, and i refuse to sleep with socks on. i write rhyme poetry when i feel angry, and i find bologna and peanut butter tastes weird but good together, just like ketchup and cucumbers. I AM WEIRD, I AM "NOT NORMAL" and im damn proud of it.

i know this is classic relativism, but normal is all about everyones perception. what you think is normal may not be normal to others. a serial killer whos sick in the head (this is an awful example what am i thinking) will believe that what he's doing is normal, although we're all like wtf. so yeah that example sucked but i mean things like what happened today about my friend, shes totally normal, i think its the people who have to spend their time making others feel bad isn't normal, its mean and its unfair and its unjust. before you judge someone, get to know them. obviously you hear that all the time, but seriously, get to know people, you'll be very surprised at what you learn and who you meet, the strangest of people can make the best of friends, and maybe you'll see you like what they do, and they might like what you do..

yeah, i don't like when people insult my friends, it makes me feel very bad that im sitting around listening to this, so forwarning, if you dont like one of my friends, feel free to tell me and we can talk about it, but when you start ripping on the people i care about without mercy, im not going to sit around and listen to that crap. I'd rather be around people who are more accepting.

thanks for listening yeo
sincerely, jus.

If I Could Go Back In Time

If I could go back in time, what would I do?

I would talk to the young version of myself, but what would I say?
I would tell myself that I am perfect the way I am, and not to let anyone tell me otherwise.
I would warn myself that people will one day tell me otherwise, but I can't let it get to me, because as long as I am happy the way I am, then none of it matters.
I would tell myself that life gets better, it gets better every day, and that no matter how bad things seem, there's a light at the end of my dark dark tunnel.
I would tell myself that drugs aren't the answer to my problems, that I don't need to medicate myself to run away, that theres always someone I could talk to.
I would tell myself to focus on my studies, and not let anything get in the way of my passion and my future.
I would tell myself to take better care of myself, to spend more time working on how to feel better about myself, rather than how to get others to feel better about me.
I would tell myself that I am worth it, and that people are lucky to have me, not the other way around.
I would tell myself to not let people walk all over me, to be in charge of how i feel, what i do, and not let people pressure me into things.

But, I can't go back in time... can I?
If I went back in time and told myself all those things, then I wouldn't be who I am today.

If I had told myself that I was perfect the way I was, then I would have a bigger ego, I would be full of myself, I would have not been as modest, I wouldn't have learn't how to improve my self-esteem and self confidence.
If I warned myself about people bullying me, I would have avoided it, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am today, I wouldn't have been able to handle criticism and bad remarks as I can today.
If I knew life got better, I wouldn't have learned it on my own, and found the beauty in life through all the ugliness of my problems.
If I knew to never try drugs, I wouldn't have ever kicked them, and realized how strong and how much I can accomplish with determination.
If I knew to focus on my studies, I'd have never learn't how to be social, how to talk to people and to interact with unknown, to be outgoing and to never shy away from giving someone a smile.
If I knew to take better care of myself, I wouldn't have learned how to get out of a rut, how it feels to be emotionally and physically unstable, and then stabilize myself.

If I went back in time and then knew all these things, I would be a completely different person. I think instead of wishing to go back in time, I get the pleasure of having some crazy stories, some sad stories, and some stories of how I overcame the worst of times in my life.

I consider myself extremely lucky to have gone through so much shit (to my standards) and made it out alive. I am lucky because I experienced a lot and it'll help me through the rest of my life, and I'll be able to help and to relate with people who have gone through or are currently going through the same situations. I think that I am blessed to be able to say I went through hell and back, and I am so strong and grown up now.

I'd like to thank the people who stuck by my side and believed in me the whole way through, you are the reason I am still here today, and I couldn't have grown without you. Hope is so powerful, and once you know someone believes in you and has faith in you, it makes you determined to prove to those special and important people that you can overcome the bad.

thanks for listening. this one wasn't as good as the last, but it needed to be written.
love, jus

on ditching

Well, I've found inspiration to write again.
As I sit in my house on my comfy bed, I think about how its Saturday night, the whole family is out, and I just got a text saying the person I'm supposed to see tonight is bailing on me.
Unfortunately, getting bailed on is a feeling im very familiar with. Lately, not a week has gone by where I haven't been ditched at least once, and it's quite hurtful. sure, I say "no problem, yeah another time" but on the inside, I feel like complete crap.

Maybe I was just raised this way, but I was always taught that when you make a commitment, any sort of plans, you stick to them (unless of course an emergency situation arises). If I were to cancel at all, it would be at least 2 or 3 days in advanced, so that said person has the time to figure out new plans. I just don't understand why people are so okay with just bailing on you when something better comes up. Am I the only person who gets ditched THIS MUCH? Like someone needs to tell me they're in the same situation as me, because it's getting really pathetic the amount of nights and days I spend alone because of someone bailing on me.

Is it me? I tend to ask myself that question a lot. What did I do that was so wrong, what's so bad about me that people feel the need to cancel on me right before plans? Or they just don't show up at all, and I'm left sitting there, waiting, hours passing by and I'm just sitting there staring out the window, expecting to see someone show up, and they never do.

Some say it's the friends I have; they're unreliable and I should be making new ones. I think that might be the truth. As I sit here in my bed, I notice how unreliable some of the people I know are, and how they cancel on me without apology, with a fake and stupid excuse. And then as angry and as hurt as I feel, I pull the "please don't do it again" and then forgive as if nothing happened. Part of me is scared to lose a friend over something so stupid like bailing. But at the same time it's not so stupid because it really hurts my feelings. I'd bet people didn't know every time I get ditched, I cry, a lot. I'm the kind of person who prepares, tries to look nice, gets snacks ready gets all this stuff ready hours before the plans actually happen, because I'm so excited for them. So you could imagine how stupid and taken for granted I feel when someone so easily just cancels, as if it never even mattered to them.

Some say to pull a revenge stunt, but I can't do that. I know how this terrible shitty feeling feels, and I can't bring myself to put anyone through that pain. Yeah, you think the way I'm explaining it makes it seem more dramatic than it is, but to me this is how it feels. It seems as though my whole life I've been peoples back up plan; once they find something better, they'll get rid of the plans with me, and to be honest its really uncool.

If they ditch me, they don't deserve to see me at all. If they can't keep plans with me, they clearly didn't care enough to see me. and then when they have the NERVE to tell me they miss me, I like to say "you clearly didn't miss me enough last friday when you bailed on our plans". Super duper UNCOOL dudes.

So I've made a decision, when you make plans with me, i'll be super up for it, but I'll do what I always do and say "please don't cancel last minute" and if you do, you've lost the privilege to spend time with me. See I don't care how egotistical this sounds, but I'm a really good person. I'm fun to be around, I'm funny at times, I try to be a good friend and person. I think that spending time with people that are good friends and good company isn't a given right, its special, and it's worth something. So, if you can't recognize that my time is worth something, then you don't get any of my time at all. I hope everyone who ditches me reads this, cause it's your last warning.

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. It's time for me to stop letting people fool me again and again.

xoxo off to excersize and try to be skinny which is gona happen one day i think lol.
love, jus

The Struggle; a poem inspired by my addiction.

every day is a struggle

every day i want it more

every day i am lying

every day getting poor

its all i can think about

its always on my mind

it finds its way to get to me

it fucks me up every time

It makes me feel so happy,

makes my problems go away,

so I just keep on doing it,

each and every day.

each time i try to stop

as i start to get really proud

a voice inside me tells me i want it

it screams at me really loud

I know i shouldn't do it,

with asthma and hard breath

but for some reason I continue,

It could result in death.

it scares me cause i want to stop

it scares me cause im trying

it scares me cause at the same time i dont

it scares me cause i'm always lying

why am i addicted?

I dont know, you tell me

all i know is when i kick this habbit

i'll finally be free.

I know that i've hurt many

I know that i was wrong

but if i can just get through this

I know that i'll be strong.

I hate to be the one to ask

Because i feel so small

but really i just need some help

to get me through it all.

I don't know where to look for help,

I don't know if i'll find,

but I do know that when I do this,

I'll have some peace of mind.

I am a marijuana addict

I will not tell a lie,

I want this addiction to end right now,

before it makes me die.

- to the people i've hurt, im so sorry, you all deserve so much better than this and I know the justine you all know and love is still in here, and she needs you now more than ever. I want to kick this thing, and with support and love I know I can. I've gone seven weeks, and I've gone eight weeks, i know i can do it again and get an even higher number, maybe even kick it forever. I love you all so much <3 p="">

the loner

this is a poem i wrote about a dream i had. hope its not too gloomy.

surrounded by a sea of people and yet i am so alone, 
they think that they know me but the only know my clone.
my clone has a name face and life and people think shes great.
but deep inside there is the real me who everyone would hate.
shes scared and lonely and wants to leave but nobody can hear,
and showing her real self to the world is something she'll always fear.
what fools she thinks about the world about the people she knows,
the face of truth is full of lies, all of her friends real foes.
but who to trust and who to keep close is the toughest choice,
and who to show her real self, her real body, and her real voice.
she turns herself to self-medication, to numbing all the pain,
she spends her time assimilating, one raindrop in a rain.
she doesn't want to be seen, nor does she want to be heard.
she tries her best too keep quiet, she does not utter a word.
she wrote a note stating farewell to all her so-called friends,
she said goodbye to her family, whom with she had loose ends.
they found her in her room that day, a note attached to her bed,
they found her in her room that day, hanging, she was dead.

Social Networking Is SO bad for me

i really need to delete twitter and facebook and get rid of my instagram and my cell phone and just my computer while i'm at it. maybe just get rid of people. see this is why i need to get rid of all this stuff cause it's making me just so angry all the time.

social networking has over-sensitized me (thats probably not a real word) but I am a less strong person because of my hidding behind a stupid computer and cell phone.

like why does it bother me so much when i know someone's read my message and hasn't answered? why when i don't hear from someone but then i see them posting or tweeting does it make me want to rip my hair out? why is it that when someone posts a fuck you status or something like that we immediately assume its about us? why why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

fuck facebook twitter all this shit fuck people fuck fuck fuck someone help me please before i blow my brains out i dont understand human beings and things as well as i always thought i did as soon as i figure something out its like im missing all these little peices of shit shitty puzzle that part of me doesn't even want to solve. fuck i needed to vent that out.

people need to just be honest and tell other people what they think instead of posting stupid shit cause thats whats fucking us all up were all hiding behind our devises and thinking its our big sheild when in fact its just singling you out from everyone else who isnt cowardly and who can hold a convesation with someone face to face without pulling their god damned phone out i mean i get it if its serious but if its not there should be no reason to text when your with someone.

i know im going into like a billion different angry venting topic but i honestly don't care nobody reads this shitty blog anyways and to prove it im not going to post around that i've written. and if you really read this email me or whatever and tell me you really want to see me write cause if thats the case then i will i just feel like sometimes i need to write like this to get it all out. so theres my rant of the day i actually feel so much better. xox jus

To Have Nothing (A 4:30AM Poem)

To Have Nothing (A 4:30AM Poem)

By: Justine Frankel

To have no body,

To have no arms, hands, fingers.

To have no legs, feet, toes.

To have no emotions,

To have no happy, content, joy.

To have no sad, angry, furious.

To have no feel,

To have no pleasure, touch, soft.

To have no pain, burn, hard.

To have no smell,

To have no scent, perfume, fragrance.

To have no odour, whiff, stench.

To have no sight,

To have no observe, view, apperance.

To have no monstrosity, mess, slob.

To have no taste,

To have no sweet, savor, appetite.

To have no bitter, sour, salty.

To have no hear,

To have no listen, sound, attention.

To have no auditory, evesdrop, overhear.

To have no brain,

To have no thought, intelligence, ideas.

To have no stupidity, mentality, talent.

To have no soul,

To have no love, character, sprit.

To have no hate, personality, desire.

To have no life,

To have nothing,

To be nothing.

Without you I feel,
This pain becoming real.
And without your touch,
Nothing becomes too much.

what is tragedy, what is not?

When people die, facebook goes into an uproar of RIP's and things like this.
Let me start off by saying I am not telling you that this is bad; I actually encourage it. You're paying your respects to whomever passed away and I completely respect that. What's been bugging my mind for a while, but today especially is people saying someone's death was tragic.
Look, people die young and old all the time, every day, doesn't mean each death is truly tragic.
I remember being in the L.O.V.E program and we spoke about (at the time) a celebrity who had passed away suddenly after doing something stupid and getting themselves killed. All of us students were so sad saying it was tragic and they were too young and everything that people say when an idolized figure dies. Well, our supervisor didn't think it was too tragic. Let me explain why this stuff isn't much tragedy.
When you're doing something that could get you killed, like taking too many drugs, KILLING YOURSELF, doing idiotic things like throwing yourself off a bridge for fun that could be unsafe, you know things like that. Stupid irresponsible things that can get you hurt or killed, then its you bringing it on yourself, so i don't believe that its such a tragedy. Also, this one is a little more sad but when someone has lived a full life like i mean theyre in their 70's 80's 90's and up, if they die, its not really tragic because they lived a full life so they got the chance to experience a life.
To me, you take a child walking and he gets suddenly hit by a bus, now THATS TRAGEDY.
I just can't see myself feeling really bad for all of these celebrities being found dead from overdose or stupid things like that, because its really all on them they have the money they bought the shit that killed them. And suicides aren't tragedy because theyre doing it, its a choice. It might be tragic for the family i understand that and for the friends and whoever is really close to the person, but for everyone else its an RIP (insert name here) on your status, feel really good about yourself for like two minutes and then move on with your life.
BUT NOW I CANT WATCH MY FAVOURITE SHOW OR MOVIE OR LISTEN TO THIS MUSIC BECAUSE ITS THEMMMM WAAAHHH.
k cry about it. there are more important things in life than celebrities and your entertainment.

i know im a bit of a cold hearted bitch, but if you sit around all day calling these things tragic, then god knows what you call tsunamis and shit like that cause that to me is tragic. if ONE actor dying is tragedy then whats a million people who aren't famous dying? must be one hell of a word for it cause I don't have another one if i allready used tragedy to describe the druggie being too high and shooting themselves in the fucking head.

Sorry for this one it was a little close to home, but when you feel something, sometimes you gotta write it out, and i feel like we are putting too much time into the wrong issues.

AND JUST WHILE IM HERE AND WE'RE ON IT, whyyyyyyy are celebrities families letting the funerals be publicized... even the celebrities who let their wedding be publicized like you just chose for the world to be in on very intimate affairs such as death and marriage, and things like pregnancy and all of these very familial only affairs are now full of cameras and microphones and nobodys genuine anymore at these things cause they know the whole world is watching. I want to be able to cry at my wedding and kiss and my wedding and say goodbye at a funeral without the entire world watching, know what i mean?

fuck celebrities hahhaha. nono im kidding theyre really important we'd all go crazy if it werent for media and people to wrongfully look up to and movies to watch that are awesome. anyways, i feel i've written enough for the time being.

as for parting words, don't be mad be glad. woo.
love, jus 

im a man on a bus and i want to be ur friend

hello fellow readers who exist only in my dreams,
today is a special blog, cause its the first i`ve written in a while, also its on a french keyboard so its really special cause i barely know how to use it. no matter. the other reason its special, is cause this keyboard is from my boyfriends computer, which means im at his house, reporting live on the scene from the home of my lover boy ;)
anyways, he`s out at a refferee meeting and i wanted to write because it feels like ages since i`ve said something that has had a lot of meaning to me and that inspired me to write about.
I`ve been observing a lot lately, for some sort of inspiration to write, but i`ve found almost none. then it hit me.
this had never really happened, or maybe it has an i didnt notice till 2013, but as i sit on my public transports (bus, metro, train, walking, anything really) I find that men are really starting to be less shy. I`ve never been one to toot my own horn and be like ``yea i get hit on always`` but seriously, as soon as 2013 started, i`ve noticed a lot of men approached me to talk or something.
now, im not going to take a feminist `hes forsure going to rape me` stance on it, but at first i was quite frightened by it. You know, just 18 years old walking around alone or bussing alone and all the sudden some dude you`ve never seen (usually not even a cute guy) just starts to talk to you. Your first instinct is to run away as soon as you can. Ive started to feel comfort in numbers, as in being hit on in a bus is no big deal if the bus is full of people. This is how i was at the start, nervous, always looking around, vulnerable. The funny thing is, the more comfortable I got with stm, the more comfortable I was with myself.
Let me give you an example: you know when you first start off taking public transport alone, and you`re clutching your bag for dear life (i see so many people who still do this) and every strange face you stare at just in case there is any suspicious movements... well as that started to seize in me, and i started to just not care about whats around me (still being observant for my own sake, but not the observant that makes you look scared for your life) i just was feeling comfortable with people whom i didn`t know around me and stuff.
Now, people come hit on me randomly, and before i freak out, i assess the situation.
how many people are around
how creepy does this person look (yea i know its childish to say but its the truth)
how long till i get to my stop
things like that help me assess what im going to do.
the thing is, which some people dont understand, is that sometimes you gotta just trust that people have good intentions, and aren`t going to rape you, theyre just people. The more comfortable I am with myself, the more comfortable I am with other people in general. Im not afraid to ask for help if I need it, and Im not afraid of someone who just wants to talk to me.
some guy on my bus walked up to me the other day and just started talking to me. I had seen him on my bus a million times and from the conversations ive heard, the guy was a total tool, but he came up to me and was talking to me as if we were friends forever, and it was totally normal to approach someone on the bus. So we talked, the whole bus way and at my stop I said bye and he did too. and now whenever I see him on the bus, we just casually talk. I`m not about to hangout with him, but its nice to have someone to speak to. I barely even know the guys name but casual conversation never hurt anybody.
another instance is when I was on the bus to the mall from school and i almost fell onto some random girl and i appologized and she was like `so how are you` and i assumed she knew me from a class or something (i dont notice people in class but a lot of them seem to know who i am) and she just talked to me for this entire 25 minute bus ride and when she was getting off a stop before the mall, she said `oh by the way im (insert name here)` and i, flabbergasted as i was, replied `my name is justine, nice to have met you` and she thanked me for talking to her on the bus. I got off and people that I knew were like `did you know that chick` and i was just like nope.
All in all, people are quite strange, and as much as we frown upon random people talking to us in the public transport, I give them lots of respect because I wouldn`t have the guts to approach someone I thought was good looking, and think about it, people meet that way all the time, can`t blame them for trying to meet you...

so thats all for today, feels good to be writing again thats forsure, next week (if im lucky) i`ll have a new observation for you guys, and good news about my marks in school (fingers crossed) and maybe a new couple of jobs! (fingers crossed)

you are all beautiful creatures of the earth.
love, jus ;)

Life; a poem by me.

(just edited today, and also submitted to sunday @ 6 literary magazine!!!! fingers crossed!)

Life isn't about keeping score,

It's not about your home decor.

Life isn't how many friends you've made

Or how many people you've paid.

It's not about how accepted you are.

It's not about if you've travelled far.

Life isn't about your Friday nights,

Life isn't about your greatest frights

It isn't about who you're dating,

Who you're hating,

When you're mating,

Or how long you're waiting.

It isn't about who you've kissed

Or you're to-do list.

Lift isn't about money,

Or whether or not it's sunny.

It's not about the car you drive

And it's not about a deep sea dive.

Life isn't about where you go to school,

It's not about if you are cool,

Life's not about your beautiful face,

It's not about your family's race,

It's not about if you can trace,

And not about getting first place.

It's not about the clothes you wear,

Or about your perfect hair.

Life's not about the shoes you walk,

It's not about the language you talk.

Life's not about the grades you get,

It's not about the celebrities you've met,

Life isn't about the money you bet,

It's not about your adorable pet.

What life is not was stated above,

But what life is, is purely love.

Life is about who you make smile,

It is about the extra mile.

It's about keeping the people you love close,

It's about giving away your heart the most.

It's about the trust you give and the trust you get,

It's about the love you'll always want to bet.

Life is about family and friends,

It is about never seeing ends.

It's about saying what you mean,

It's about coming clean.

Life is about living your dream,

It's about watching yourself beam.

It's about the peace you make,

It's about the hearts you don't break,

It's about the times you're not fake,

It's about enjoying that juicy steak.

Life is what you make it,

So please never fake it,

Cause Life is the longest thing you'll do,

But you can blink and it'll be through.

So here's my advice on what to do,

Don't forget to say I love you,

Life isn't going to wait for us,

Life is a speeding non-stop bus,

But here's some valuable information,

Life is the journey, not the destination.

- written for my fate that i got a second chance with. i love you alexandre -

screw valentines day

I made a point to make sure this post wasn't on valentines day because i'd hate to be bitter about the day of love. let me make sure its known that im not about to be one of those hipsters that say its a hallmark corporation-made holiday that invokes consumerism and false advertising and all that (even though it totally is), because you know all this allready, so it would be stupid to post about it.

so i hate valentines day.
what? how can i hate a day of love?! well fuck that.
lets start off at the beginning. the story of valentines day is that there was a super cool guy, saint vantentine. at the time of war, people couldn't marry because it was said that love would distract the soldiers, so marriage was banned. valentine was like nah, and married off all of these couples anyways, because he believed in love, and then they were to kill him, so he left a letter to his love that was signed "from your valentine" insert awwwwwwwwe here. and so this was how that all started, and for some reason it was said that the 14th of February was the day where we would buy shit for the people we cared about and all that jazz.

so now the reason i hate that day is that its kind of like an excuse for girls to beg guys to buy them flowers, or guys to get off the loose cause they only have to buy chocolate for their lady on that ONE day a year. Its not what valentines day is, because i find that having a day to represent love and caring for the people who are important to you is beautiful, its about what it stands for, the ONE day where you show love and care for the important people.

does that make no sense? let me break it down for you.
you have to think about it in the practical sense. shouldnt you show love and care and all that....EVERY DAY? i mean whats to say that on february 18th i can't buy flowers for my lady (assuming i had one) and say, i love you? to me, i find it so much MORE romantic to get a flower on a random day than to get one on valentines day. Its funny to think about but i watch these movies where the guy would be going over to the girls and would bring flowers just as courtesy and respect. i find that its so interesting that in todays society, we need to have that day so that we can get the love we deserve EVERY day.

And then, what valentines day represents for the single people, a day to complain about how lonely they are. All i think is shut the fuck up! i know its a little rude but seriously, every day of the year you're single, and you choose the day of love to complain about it? and whilst you sit and complain, do you really think a guy (or girl depending on what gender and preference you have) is gona be like "oh damn that love bashing status is so sexy i want a peice of that" NOOOOOOOO... the people who complain on vday, thats why you're single cause you spend all your time complaining rather than gettting the fuck off your ass and meeting someone.

Plus, valentines day is about LOVE, not relationships. to everyone out there, single or taken. valentines day is for loving the people you love. all of my good friends said happy valentines day to me on the 14th, my parents said it to me, and im still single, and im quite content with how my day went. half the couples in the world probably fought on valentines day because one didn't get the other the "right gift" or didn't get a gift or just didn't give a shit. To me, every day should be valentines day, or at least what it represents, love for the people you care about, and thats it. none of this bullshit relationship crap. if you are in a relationship, you should love them every day regardless of what day and month it is, and you should buy them flowers or candy or whatever on ANY day, not february the 14th.

but i gotta thank vday for one thing, a little writing inspiration never hurt anyone ;)
have a nice day my beautiful readers, if you exist ;)
xoxoxo happy valentines day ;)
love, jus <3 p="">

my stomach hurts for beiber

alright so im coming back with a kind of crappy topic i know i know, but its REALLLLYYYY making me sick, and its given me so much inspiration to write, its insane. (ps: i have too many opinions)

so im sure everyone who reads this knows about the whole beiber thing thats in the media right now, how he smokes weed and everyone is flipping out about it, well what you might not know (but you probably do) is that the new twitter trending thing is called #cutforbeiber and there are so many younger girls who are cutting themselves repeatedly and posting pictures of it online saying "if you stop smoking, we'll stop cutting".

let me start off by laughing hysterically at that because girls are so stupid sometimes. but now seriously, this is really wrong that people are mutilating themselves because of a pop star.

first of all, hes a teenager so he's bound to smoke at some point. http://www.canadadrugfree.org said that the average age that kids first try drugs is a 12.6 years old, and he's HOW OLD now? so you gotta assume he's tried it once. also, its not like hes doing cocaine or heroin or anything, hes just smoking a bit of weed, the worst thatll happen is he eats too much and gets fat or sum off of munchies. any weed-related consequences to his body are all his responsibility because he chose to smoke.

second of all, cutting because he's doing it WONT STOP HIM FROM DOING IT. i mean if you really think about it, do you think some super rich teenage guy who can basically get any girl he wants will care about a couple of fans? If he really likes to smoke weed hes going to do it regardless to how people feel about it, because they don't really affect him, besides buying into all the crap he puts out, but if a couple girls get hurt he wont care he still has millions of fans worldwide.

next, the fact that i'm even writing this blog all about girls cutting for this one guy is sick. and not like "oh thats so sick" as in cool, i mean sick as in it makes me want to throw up. people cut themselves probably every day, maybe every hour who even knows. I can't believe that girls are cutting themselves for such an idiotic reason, when there are people who cut themselves all the time, and nobody even focuses on them, because theyre reason isnt "appealing" to the public. thats disgusting, how about instead of everyone freaking out that beiber is high, people freak out because there are fucking people cutting themselves over it, and that people need to be taught about how wrong that is, that they risk themselves for the worstttttttttttttttttttttttttt reason.

lastly, this sounds a bit like what i just said, but the fact that the media puts this out is insane. (im about to sound really hipster so bare with me) In the world there is hunger, there is poverty, there is political instability,  there are disasters daily and there is violence, crime, a a whole lot of hate out there. we are being brainwashed to think that a subject like mario lopez's wedding (just saw a commercial for the show they are making about it) or justin beiber's pot smoking is SOOOOOO important, but the other stuff we can "leave to the professionals" or "theres nothing we can do about it so just pretend its not happening".
1. why the fuck do we care about the stupid inside lives or famous people
2. why the fuck do famous people want us INSIDE their lives, like REALLY inside. they want us to see their home, their cars, their relationships and children and it just can't be a healthy lifestyle to never have any secrets or privacy.
3. why are these things more important than our planet, our lives, and the future?

i just dont understand much about today, but if there wasn't all this shit id have nothing to complain about.
i miss the beatles lul.
xoxo ill try to write more but im starting school on the 21st, and nobody really reads this anyways lol.
ciao for now,
jus

a real friend

a real friend will read your blog post and then send you this:
(i am not putting the person's name for their sake)

"I think u have a great talent u have a really good way for words, I wish I could write like u cuz I usually just talk in circles but I think u should spend more time on focusing on everything u have accomplished cuz u have a lot u should be proud of, and just because some of the things u want to happen haven't happened yet doesn't mean they're never gonna happen it will happen if u really want it, and when I was 12 I thought that by now I would have my own fkn dinosaur what I mean is, when were younger we build things up tremedously in our heads and it'll take much more than we think so don't be so hard on urself cuz ur not the 12 year old justine anymore, growing up everyone changes, and u have a lot to be proud of"

and you know what? he's totally right. so i wanted to write this little blog post to post about all the things my twelve year old self would pat myself on the back for:

- for being published.... twice!

- for winning an 1000$ journalism scholarship!

- for actually getting through high school with all the shit and making it out

- for not being too scared to walk across that graduation stage and go "WOOOOO!!!" out loud

- for always staying true to myself

- for producing two newspapers with a class of grade six students

- for passing my first year of cegep

and the last thing that 12 year old me would be really proud of, and i am really lucky to have are a couple really really great friends, who read my posts without me asking them to, who are there for me who make me laugh and smile, i love you guys so much and you mean the world to me.

love always,

jus ,<3 div="div">

what would little me think?

today i was looking at myself in the mirror, thinking about this summer, thinking about my last year of high school and first year of cegep, thinking about my first job and my first real broken heart, and I asked myself the question "would twelve year old me be impressed with who i am today?" and i came up with an answer, and its NOOOOOOOOOO.

lets start off with the things i was hoping to accomplish by the time i turned eighteen that i didn't accomplish:
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd already have written a book, I knew what it was going to be about and everything, and i wanted so desperately to have that done, and it didnt happen.
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd have already moved out, obviously i was young and didn't realize that money is an issue and i wouldn't be able to afford it, so i didnt.
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd have already gotten married. obvvviiioouuussslllyyy i didn't realize that 18 is a little young to get married and start having kids and junk, so that never happened.

now, lets go to the things i never wanted to do and that i ended up doing:
i had always promised myself that throughout my teenage years i would be the small percentage who never tried drugs or any kind of smoking, look at me now.
i had always promised myself that i wouldn't have lost my virginity before i dated a guy for two years, and we all know that it didn't happen.
i had always promised myself that i would never let a guy get away with treating me badly, and i've let countless guys treat me the way i didn't deserve to be treated.
i had always promised myself that i would never let my appearance change the way i feel about myself, unfortunately, that never happened and appearances almost defined me.
i had always promised myself that i would never hurt myself to change the way i look, and that happened too

to be honest, when i was twelve years old i didn't know how much i didn't know about everything, and i don't understand how i've learnt and lived and experienced so much in six years.

twelve year old me would look at me now and laugh, because when i was twelve, i was a girl who never cared what she looked like, wasn't afraid to scuff up her pants and wear black and blue, i wasn't concerned with what other people said about me and i knew how to have fun alone in the school yard because i didn't care if i had friends or not. when i was twelve i had dreams and hopes and faith, so much faith. i was confident and i was happy to be alive.

so maybe if i was the way i wanted to be i would be a positive confident girl who never smoked and never did anything bad, who would be already married living in my own place with a book written. a little high expectations don't you think?

but if i ended up the way i wanted to be id also have a tattoo of spongebob on my shoulder, i would live for back street boys, i would still have that stupid short hair jew fro thing i had going on before, id just be horrific to be honest.

you know what? now that im 18, i wished the twelve year old me was different, and the twelve year old me probably wishes the eighteen year old turned out differently, but the fact is i am the way i am, and i might as well accept it rather than dwell on the past. because maybe i can be that twelve year old again, the good parts though; not caring what people think, dressing however i want to dress, not being afraid to get a little dirty here and then, and to never be afraid of my feelings.

yes, the twelve year old me would look at me right now and be unimpressed, but then again, it doesn't matter what other people (or other versions of me in this case) think about me. doesn't matter if the twelve year old me is unimpressed,what matters the most is that the eighteen year old me looks in the mirror and is impressed.

thanks fo listening <3 p="p">love always,
eighteen year old justine.

for what its worth

so my friend is telling me about this new jacket he's getting for the winter.
the first thing that came to my head automatically was "don't you have one from last winter?" but it wasn't my place to be all cheap about the fact that he wants a new jacket, so i kept my mouth shut.
then he tells me about how its for free and all this great stuff about a god damned jacket that i couldn't give any less of a shit about, but then what really caught me was when he said "they're usually 600$"

let me tell you something about me. i spend money like there is no tomorrow. like the idea of saving 600 dollars to me is ridiculous because theres so much NOW that i can spend it on. but apart from that, i may spend my money irresponsibly but i would never spend it on something that i can get for cheaper, cause why would i do that?

now what im hearing is that there are these jackets which we all know about the stupid jackets that make you look like a 5000 pound eskimo with the furs and the padding and all the crap that jackets dont need. and these jackets sell from 600 to thousands of dollars. thousands of dollars on something you will use for maybe 5 or 6 months? and then you THROW IT OUT AND BUY A NEW JACKET like an ass hole while there are people who can't even afford a fucking tshirt for 5 bucks.

i know that we've learnt this our whole lives all about brand names and all the jazz about how they're dumb and how you can get the same white tshirt for 5 bucks as you can get for 35 bucks. but does anyone really think about that, like i know its boring to hear that, but does anyone ever take this into consideration when shopping?

i mean i can walk into any store in the mall with a nice name and it smells good and has its own perfume and topless sex god posters all over the walls and buy a pair of jeans that arent even good, that are RIPPED, like they aren't even properly made jeans since there are rips and patches, and i spend about 40 bucks on them (im guessing cause i've never bought designer jeans) and then i can walk into a walmart or any of those huge stores with the deals and junk, and buy the same jeans made WELL without any dumb rips in them for like 15 bucks. thats crazy!!! do you realize that the style for jeans was probably just a factory mistake? there were probably jeans being made in a stupid factory and one of the machines jammed up or something and a bunch of jeans were ruined and had a bunch of rips, and then instead of throwing them out they decided since our generation is so ignorant and materialistic so they marketed and sold broken pants to teenage girls and middle aged "cool" moms and all the sudden everyone wants a pair of them. I can rip my jeans, but if they aren't brand name, they aren't cool obviously.

what im really getting at is how stupid prices are, and how stupid people are for having this need to have the most prestige and famous and greatest brand things that they are willing to waste all this money away for it. I have a 20$ jacket that i got on sale. i have been using this winter jacket since the 8th grade and im still using it. the jacket is in perfect shape and it keeps me warm in the winter. someone else buys a stupid 600$ or more jacket and its fluffy and big and has the brand name ironed on to the front so everyone can see how cool they are and then by the end of the winter the "fluffy" is a bit worn out and not as big and puffy anymore and the fur that comes from all sides is dirty and the jacket has a stain because the material can't handle any spills. and they throw out the jacket, and spend 600$ on a new one. doesnt that sound so smart? -.-

all in all, if im going to buy a 600$ jacket, that shit better have like a laptop and speakers and cup holders built into it. something real fancy and handy. and even then i probably wouldnt buy it cause it would probably be an ugly-ass jacket.

think about what you buy before you buy it.
for what its worth, it can save you some good cash.
love always, the "accountant" (im so bad with money so me writing this is so hypocritical i spend my money on the most useless shit but not on expensive clothes so im in the clear for this one)

JUS