today is just a day you know?
just one of those days where you feel like you need to let out everything you have inside you.
I'll start of with apologies.
A long time ago, when I was first blogging, I wrote this blog about these two girlfriends I had, and how I felt like we were drifting apart. I felt like we used to be the three of us, and it became the two of them, and I wouldn't get invited much. I was feeling left out, and as you know when I feel bad or sad or something along those lines, I write about it. Well, I came to regretting that decision when they, being my friends were avid readers of my blog, were extremely angry at what I had written, knowing it was about them. I didn't want them to take it personally, it was just my way of getting out my feelings, and I wasn't mad, I was sad, and I wanted to know why people do things like that, so I wrote. Anyways, it destroyed our relationship, and imagine, that was in 2011. its 2014, almost two years to the days I had started to feel this way, and we havn't spoken to each other since. There were a few moments they would post or tweet or comment rude things about me, but it wouldn't phase me so much because thats how girls are to each other. I had wanted to say something to one of the girls for a while, but never had the courage. Tonight, I finally grew the balls, and I wrote her this massive apology note. It was hard for me, I had to explain my faults and my feelings, and I didn't even tell you guys, the reasons we started drifting is because I was mad at her for being worried about my drug abuse and telling my mother about it. Can you believe that? The first time in my life someone ever stepped up and tried to help me, and I pushed them away. So part of my apology letter was explaining it to her how it wasn't her, it was me and my fault. I was at a bad period of my life, and I should have accepted the help instead of rejecting it.
Then, I was feeling good, so I wrote to two more girls I had lost touch with, not as much fights just casual drifting apart, stuff like that. I was feeling amazing for about an hour, until I saw the first girl had read the message, and not answered, or said anything for that matter. I know I wasn't expecting much, but I was hoping for something. In the end, I was just glad I had said something. And who knows... maybe she'll decide to read my blog again and see this! ;)
Secondly, on friendship.
See I was doing some facebook stalking (you know you do it too), and everyone I was seeing knew everyone else I knew and I was just connecting puzzle pieces that I never knew would or could connect. I came to the conclusion that all of these people from my past know each other and are practically best friends. This made me sad, because all I wanted to know was... when did I miss that bus to be friends with all these people? I mean to them, I'm just "Oh yeah I worked with her" or "Oh Justine? Yeah I went to highschool with her, she was weird" and other variations of that. These people all know each other; their relationships, likes and dislikes, where they work, where they hangout because they know each other they took the time to get to know each other. It just seemed sad and weird to me that none of them ever took the time to get to know me. Weirder because I feel like I'm in a teenage drama highschool tv show but im not the main character im just someone who goes to school and sits in class with all the main characters of the show. I know you guys and stuff about you (not from facebook, from real life) but you don't know anything about me. Doesn't that feel wrong? Everyone wants to feel like the star of the tv show, but you always need extras, and I guess thats what I was in their tv show of life (so deep lmfao). All I know is, if people had gotten to know me a little better, maybe I'd be a part of that. But needless to say, most of those people I barely like so I'm not too shattered on the idea, it was just a fleeting thought that I wanted to reflect on and think about. I am quite content with my friends, my amazng boyfriend, and what the future of social life has in store for me!
Lastly, the need to write.
This, unlike the previous paragraph, is not a fleeting feeling. Its a feeling that lingers until you tend to it, like hunger or exhaustion (which im feeling now too actually). Sometimes, not that I have something interesting to say all the time, I feel the need to write. My body just wants to get things out; my brain can only take so much, until I need to dump it out so I can refill with feels and such. So tonight I was really feeling that need. When I feel that need, lately i've been opening my phone and writing poems. Most are love poems to my special man, but some are more than just love poems, they have deeper and more of a meaning. for some reason the whole blogging thing doesn't work on my phone, so I just write silly little dr. seuss rhymed poems, and I love them. but tonight wasn't a poem night, i knew i had too much on my brain and had to let it all out; and I'm glad I did. Sometimes I just wish I had more inspiration to do this thing I love most in the world. I really love to write; for example, right now I am smiling while I write (also because I said I'm smiling, it made me laugh a little). But how many people do you know who smile while they write? usually its a more concentrated thing, where you're reflecting and thinking hard and choosing the perfect words to formulate and put these impossible feelings into the right words. But for me, writing just comes easy, I dont have to think about the next line; I just have to write, and things come to me themselves. I'm lucky to have the knowledge to read and write, and the fact that (im told) I do it well? well thats just a bonus. I never really re-read my writings after I post them because I get nervous I'll think something is stupid and delete it. But its just me, coming out on my keyboard, and since i'm not stupid (all the time), then what I am writing surely can't be too bad. So I vow to read this and make NOOOO changes, as soon as I finish.
Thats it, my need is satisfied, my conscience feels clearer, and I'm superrrrr tired. thanks for reading and believing in me, whoever you are reading this. much love!!
