a real friend

a real friend will read your blog post and then send you this:
(i am not putting the person's name for their sake)

"I think u have a great talent u have a really good way for words, I wish I could write like u cuz I usually just talk in circles but I think u should spend more time on focusing on everything u have accomplished cuz u have a lot u should be proud of, and just because some of the things u want to happen haven't happened yet doesn't mean they're never gonna happen it will happen if u really want it, and when I was 12 I thought that by now I would have my own fkn dinosaur what I mean is, when were younger we build things up tremedously in our heads and it'll take much more than we think so don't be so hard on urself cuz ur not the 12 year old justine anymore, growing up everyone changes, and u have a lot to be proud of"

and you know what? he's totally right. so i wanted to write this little blog post to post about all the things my twelve year old self would pat myself on the back for:

- for being published.... twice!

- for winning an 1000$ journalism scholarship!

- for actually getting through high school with all the shit and making it out

- for not being too scared to walk across that graduation stage and go "WOOOOO!!!" out loud

- for always staying true to myself

- for producing two newspapers with a class of grade six students

- for passing my first year of cegep

and the last thing that 12 year old me would be really proud of, and i am really lucky to have are a couple really really great friends, who read my posts without me asking them to, who are there for me who make me laugh and smile, i love you guys so much and you mean the world to me.

love always,

jus ,<3 div="div">

what would little me think?

today i was looking at myself in the mirror, thinking about this summer, thinking about my last year of high school and first year of cegep, thinking about my first job and my first real broken heart, and I asked myself the question "would twelve year old me be impressed with who i am today?" and i came up with an answer, and its NOOOOOOOOOO.

lets start off with the things i was hoping to accomplish by the time i turned eighteen that i didn't accomplish:
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd already have written a book, I knew what it was going to be about and everything, and i wanted so desperately to have that done, and it didnt happen.
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd have already moved out, obviously i was young and didn't realize that money is an issue and i wouldn't be able to afford it, so i didnt.
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd have already gotten married. obvvviiioouuussslllyyy i didn't realize that 18 is a little young to get married and start having kids and junk, so that never happened.

now, lets go to the things i never wanted to do and that i ended up doing:
i had always promised myself that throughout my teenage years i would be the small percentage who never tried drugs or any kind of smoking, look at me now.
i had always promised myself that i wouldn't have lost my virginity before i dated a guy for two years, and we all know that it didn't happen.
i had always promised myself that i would never let a guy get away with treating me badly, and i've let countless guys treat me the way i didn't deserve to be treated.
i had always promised myself that i would never let my appearance change the way i feel about myself, unfortunately, that never happened and appearances almost defined me.
i had always promised myself that i would never hurt myself to change the way i look, and that happened too

to be honest, when i was twelve years old i didn't know how much i didn't know about everything, and i don't understand how i've learnt and lived and experienced so much in six years.

twelve year old me would look at me now and laugh, because when i was twelve, i was a girl who never cared what she looked like, wasn't afraid to scuff up her pants and wear black and blue, i wasn't concerned with what other people said about me and i knew how to have fun alone in the school yard because i didn't care if i had friends or not. when i was twelve i had dreams and hopes and faith, so much faith. i was confident and i was happy to be alive.

so maybe if i was the way i wanted to be i would be a positive confident girl who never smoked and never did anything bad, who would be already married living in my own place with a book written. a little high expectations don't you think?

but if i ended up the way i wanted to be id also have a tattoo of spongebob on my shoulder, i would live for back street boys, i would still have that stupid short hair jew fro thing i had going on before, id just be horrific to be honest.

you know what? now that im 18, i wished the twelve year old me was different, and the twelve year old me probably wishes the eighteen year old turned out differently, but the fact is i am the way i am, and i might as well accept it rather than dwell on the past. because maybe i can be that twelve year old again, the good parts though; not caring what people think, dressing however i want to dress, not being afraid to get a little dirty here and then, and to never be afraid of my feelings.

yes, the twelve year old me would look at me right now and be unimpressed, but then again, it doesn't matter what other people (or other versions of me in this case) think about me. doesn't matter if the twelve year old me is unimpressed,what matters the most is that the eighteen year old me looks in the mirror and is impressed.

thanks fo listening <3 p="p">love always,
eighteen year old justine.

for what its worth

so my friend is telling me about this new jacket he's getting for the winter.
the first thing that came to my head automatically was "don't you have one from last winter?" but it wasn't my place to be all cheap about the fact that he wants a new jacket, so i kept my mouth shut.
then he tells me about how its for free and all this great stuff about a god damned jacket that i couldn't give any less of a shit about, but then what really caught me was when he said "they're usually 600$"

let me tell you something about me. i spend money like there is no tomorrow. like the idea of saving 600 dollars to me is ridiculous because theres so much NOW that i can spend it on. but apart from that, i may spend my money irresponsibly but i would never spend it on something that i can get for cheaper, cause why would i do that?

now what im hearing is that there are these jackets which we all know about the stupid jackets that make you look like a 5000 pound eskimo with the furs and the padding and all the crap that jackets dont need. and these jackets sell from 600 to thousands of dollars. thousands of dollars on something you will use for maybe 5 or 6 months? and then you THROW IT OUT AND BUY A NEW JACKET like an ass hole while there are people who can't even afford a fucking tshirt for 5 bucks.

i know that we've learnt this our whole lives all about brand names and all the jazz about how they're dumb and how you can get the same white tshirt for 5 bucks as you can get for 35 bucks. but does anyone really think about that, like i know its boring to hear that, but does anyone ever take this into consideration when shopping?

i mean i can walk into any store in the mall with a nice name and it smells good and has its own perfume and topless sex god posters all over the walls and buy a pair of jeans that arent even good, that are RIPPED, like they aren't even properly made jeans since there are rips and patches, and i spend about 40 bucks on them (im guessing cause i've never bought designer jeans) and then i can walk into a walmart or any of those huge stores with the deals and junk, and buy the same jeans made WELL without any dumb rips in them for like 15 bucks. thats crazy!!! do you realize that the style for jeans was probably just a factory mistake? there were probably jeans being made in a stupid factory and one of the machines jammed up or something and a bunch of jeans were ruined and had a bunch of rips, and then instead of throwing them out they decided since our generation is so ignorant and materialistic so they marketed and sold broken pants to teenage girls and middle aged "cool" moms and all the sudden everyone wants a pair of them. I can rip my jeans, but if they aren't brand name, they aren't cool obviously.

what im really getting at is how stupid prices are, and how stupid people are for having this need to have the most prestige and famous and greatest brand things that they are willing to waste all this money away for it. I have a 20$ jacket that i got on sale. i have been using this winter jacket since the 8th grade and im still using it. the jacket is in perfect shape and it keeps me warm in the winter. someone else buys a stupid 600$ or more jacket and its fluffy and big and has the brand name ironed on to the front so everyone can see how cool they are and then by the end of the winter the "fluffy" is a bit worn out and not as big and puffy anymore and the fur that comes from all sides is dirty and the jacket has a stain because the material can't handle any spills. and they throw out the jacket, and spend 600$ on a new one. doesnt that sound so smart? -.-

all in all, if im going to buy a 600$ jacket, that shit better have like a laptop and speakers and cup holders built into it. something real fancy and handy. and even then i probably wouldnt buy it cause it would probably be an ugly-ass jacket.

think about what you buy before you buy it.
for what its worth, it can save you some good cash.
love always, the "accountant" (im so bad with money so me writing this is so hypocritical i spend my money on the most useless shit but not on expensive clothes so im in the clear for this one)

JUS

why i dont wanna separate from canada. a blog with no real point, because im really not that into politics

im going to be honest, (even though in my blog im always honest), i dont know much about the politics going on around me. i dont know about whos on whos side and what people views are. i do know about one thing, the big big big thing, about separating quebec from canada and making it its own county. in the spirit of this, i will write this blog post in french and since im writing it on my cell, i have no correction lines nor do i have any of the proper skills to really write this in french. fair warning, i WILL make plenty of mistakes, but its something i want to do for fun and for the spirit of this french vs english crap.

je pense que la separation de quebec et canada est vraiment stupid. je sais que le quebec veux.plus de respect pour leur langue mais c'est vraiment un idee faible parceque plus des raisons:

1. je pense que c'est stupid parceque ca vas couter beaucoup beaucoup de l'argent et qui va payer pour tous sa? ca va etre dans nos taxes et on n'aime pas payer beaucoup pour un cause pas important.

2. because the anglophones are fucked. even while trying to write this blog i cant express myself in french because unfortunately im not good at it and i understand that since im in quebec i gotta learn it, but as soon as we separate and english goes byebye, so will half your new "country" cause were all moving to an easier to speak place.

3. its so mean in general. just like how the french want respect and more language, hmthe english are like "damn" cause you guys just want us out of here, you just want to be french only when its mostly french here and you wanna be like mean to english and kick our language out!

ok so fine my points are probably really bad points and this blog is probably pointless cause i dont know shit about politics, but i am quite scared for this election cause im not down for a new country with only french speaking. im down for us all to just get along and stop fighting about really stupid stuff like language and maybe focus on some more important shit.

thats my view, even though it totally sucks. i also wanted to post something since i havnt posted in a while. toodles! love jus <3

are you too ugly? or are they just too damn shallow

I know this post can't change anything, but its something that I have to write because a lot of people I know are going through this problem, and I tell them all the SAME THING.

Right now, girls and guys suck. From a young age we are exposed to television and magazines and all these things that show us what we are versus what we are not supposed to look like. Whats "sexy" and whats "ugly". From a young age we are all pressured into being a type of person, and if you are not, then you aren't cool. Unfortunately, there are more of the "uncool" then there are of the "cool", cause there is a minority of people who look "the right way". The big problem is, the "uncool" and "ugly" people are getting nothing because they aren't good enough, or so they say.

The problem with girls and guys is that they are all setting their standards impossibly high because they are all looking for the model movie person who is perfect. the thing is, movies are fiction (obviously not all of them but you catch my drift) and if you aren't those people, you wont get ANYTHING.

I'll start off with girls. (I'm not saying I'm any better than all the other girls, because I go right in here too) We are literally born into looking for prince "charming" who is sexy and big and blonde and all that shit that makes no sense at all. and so we will NOT settle until we find that guy. we pass by so many guys who would treat us the way we deserve just to be with an asshole who looks like a greek god. we will have these super nice guys as just friends, because we want their niceness, we just dont want their looks. and its fucking stupid. there are obviously a lot of exceptions, but most girls, this is what we are.

Now, for guys. you assholes are literally pouring with sex because you're at the age where its all you fucking want. (i know, there are always exceptions). You guys look for this skinny sexy big tits big ass girl who is an idiot but is too hot to care. You guys don't just pass by other girls, you USE them and treat them like crap. You make it harder for the nice guys because now girls assume that this is how they should be treated, and nice guys become "pussies" to girls. so not only do you fuck girls over, but you fuck nice guys over too. guys, this is what most of you are. you pass by girls that deserve chances daily. ones that would bend over backwards just to go on a date with you, nd byebye.
And as for the nice guys, you guys are giving up way too easy.

The solution is time. that sounds like complete fucking shit. and i know, it is, but the only things that can happen is you put yourself out there a lot more, and you wait, because just like i tell everyone else, at one point when a girl wants to settle in and get married and move on with her life, unless shes a complete moron, she wont be going for assholes who treat her wrongfully, she'll go for a nice guy whos smart and has a future and loves her the right way, no matter what he looks like. And the guys? the nice guys wont be going for stupid girls who only have their looks going for them. guys want to settle with a girl who is nice and who is smart and funny and see's himself having a future with them because they can make a future for themselves.

all in all i say to all of you, your time is coming. i dont know when, i dont know where you'll meet them, but i do know if you run away on love, it wont come looking for you, its not going to chase you, so theres no point in quitting or giving up, just keep trying. always get back on the horse.

those are my thoughts of the day.
love,
jus.
(ps: sorry i havn't written in a while, i been really busy with camp)

two gone; fuck.

i really fucking blew it guys.
to my zero readers, i dont know what the eff to do anymore.
its so hard you know.. making friends, then keeping friends. its so hard to please everyone, and i try so hard to please everyone i dont focus a second on myself. i literally spend time and money on making people happy and what do i get back? i lose. i lost money, i lost two friends and i lost time. i wasted time on someone who didn't appreciate me.. i wasted time on someone who didnt appreciate the work i put into a night. the fucking work i put into last night man, its sad how much i over prepared.
wana know how to tell who your real friends are? throw a party. spend money on booze, see who your real damn friends are.
and me? oh no im not letting myself go without anything. because i am the worst of them all. im a bad friend to myself, and to other people. i was a bad girlfriend and friend to someone i care about. its like you want someone to be a certain way, but you can't do it yourself. i think i just have to be honest with myself and with them.. maybe thats why he lied, cause i did too. but now he wont talk to me anymore and he never wants to see me again.

one week, one week is all it took to lose two really really important people in my life. and i loved both of them. in different ways i loved them both. yes, i know "love" is a strong word and all that, but you gotta understand i did love them, i do love them. i have so much passion and care and emotions towards them, that i have no other way to explain it besides love. and this doesn't make me a slut so shut up and stop judging me. one of them helped me feel my age for a second, helped me have fun and do things i never thought i would do. that same one helped me feel a little bit sexier, prettier, more worth it. the other one helped me feel strong, mature, helped me realize that im not alone, and that he was like me, and one day id be like him (if im lucky). he made me feel like i could conquer every obstacle that came my way, and he taught me what honesty really is.
they both have their flaws, everyone does.. but they are both so so incredibly close to my heart, and whether i never talk to them again or i talk to them tomorrow, they'll always be with me in some way.

i started off writing angry, feeling sorry for myself because im clearly going through so much shit and my life is hell. but you know, i feel sorry, not for them, not for myself, but for the idea that this is how a guy and girl have to be. together or nothing. "girlfriend or nothing". i feel sorry that the idea of girls needing to please guys is so fucking important, so if the guy seems uninterested, take ur top off for him, maybe he'll like you better.
i feel sorry for myself because i know that im too much of a coward to admit im wrong... i feel sorry for myself because i can't accept that i deserve someone who will treat me well, and so i end up with people who are mean cause i think i deserve to be treated that way for what ive done. i feel sorry for myself cause deep down i think i deserve a guy who beats his girlfriend, because ive made such an ass of myself that the only real karma would be a big punch in the face, daily.

i feel sorry for humanity in a sense, cause just like my philosophy teacher always said, look at all the advanced technology and all this advancement in humanity, and then look how were using it. we take so much for granted, and i know i do too i just said before im not excluded from the bad people in the world, but really we do.

i just wish i had a rewind button, id do everything differently, starting with not talking to anyone ever, because the less i speak to people, the less i have a chance to hurt them and fuck up a relationship (whether friendship or more).

happy fathers day guys.

ps: i really do want to talk/work things out with the two people mentioned. im not naming names, but you know who you are. (yes, one of you is from the previous post)

he was right and now hes gone

maybe he'll never see this, maybe he will, but he should know he was right.

he was right, and now he is out of my life for good. forever it seems.

he believed in me, he tried to help me, and i pushed back, i said that i was done getting hurt and that i would be fine on my own without him, but im not. im not okay.

my heart? its broken into a million pieces. and you know, it wasnt because of love, this isn't a love issue with a stupid boyfriend who did something stupid.. this isnt about love, this is about people in general.

ive always been a positive person, until the big mess of being bullied, then i became a pessimist in training. slowly hating everything around me.. i used to have so much faith in people but they ruined it! people made themselves look stupid. and im embarrassed to be a part of humanity.

im embarrassed to have said and done the things i've said and done.

let me just say to him, you were right. people are dicks.

i am left here, not sure who is who in my life, not sure who to trust and who to blow off. who talks about me behind my back and who is friend enough to talk to my damn face. who really has feelings, and who fakes the emotions just cause they feel bad for me.

im left in a puddle of my own attempts for everyone to be satisfied, when I myself was dissatisfied with who i am. so i want him to know that he was right, not about everything, but about most of it.

this is a shitty blog post. so dont try to bitch me out about what i write, because if you hate it, dont read it.

good day.

sunny days - this is one of those times i complain

its finalllyyyy suuummmerrr!! so i am crazy happy cause of course i've been waiting for the "SUMMER OF MY BEING 18" for like ever. its been gorgeous outside and ive been spending a lot of time in the beautiful sun and ive been planning the summer in my head.
I've got weekdays working at a summer DAY camp close by, with good pay and itll be fun running around with kids all day. i've got nights and weekends off.
I've got this month of summer before i start working and i was hoping on being out late and hanging out with people and just never being bored,, and ive got to say i should lower my expectations A LOT.

1. living in ddo, on the 206 bus path SUCKS. the bus stops at 11:30, and im not near anywhere that i can go to at night, and if i have no way home i've got to come home at 11:30..

2. most of my friends are farther away, so getting to them is a drag, 1h and a half to get to downtown, and to go ALL the way to them is like 2h usually. so thats an even bigger sucky thing

3. EVERYTHING costs money.. and YES, i am going to be working, but i need money NOW, not then!

4. NOBODY has a car... and if they do, they live far and dont want to drive, and even if i offer to pay gas money, they just wont make the travel (this does not include alex who does take the time and does drive to me and i want him to know how much i appreciate it and him! <3 so this doesn't apply to you alex ur the man)

5. assholes. so once all the other things on the list are sorted out and i DO have plans, i end up being stood up or not even contacted. mister "hey i havnt seen you in forever i miss you when can i see you" becomes ALL THE SUDDEN non existent, and doesnt show up, or text, or call, or anything, so whatever plans i made, are automatically cancelled.

YES, im PUMPED to be 18, i wanna go out all the time and do crazy shit and i dont even know.. but mostly i just wanna spend time with people.. the only time i like being alone is when im in the mood to be alone, when im not, its the worsssttttttttttttttttttt......

The solution is to make more friends, but i actually dont know how to make friends.. its weird cause im not shy at all and im really outgoing, but i dont know how to make a friend.. i just never learnt or whatever.. plus when i meet people through other people, chances are they allready have their group of friends..

basically all of my friends are part of different groups of friends.. im not part of any group of friends, and i hate that. so thats me complaining about this. i just needed to yell at someone, and this blog is just there and im here and im like WELL HEY.

im sorry if this wasn't the post you were hoping it would be, it had no morals or real ends to it or solutions to the problem.. its just me, recording feelings and thoughts.
so yea. thats all friends.

luv luv luv luv sunny weater tiny tan line red face sweaty jus.

my rage against the complainers

i've been told that I'm alway excited and happy and this is why people like me.
LOL
1. Me, HAPPY ALL THE TIME? I puke at people who are happy all the time. I'm content most of the time, but I'm not truly satisfied and happy.
2. PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ME. most people tolerate me, but i've got a line up of people who don't like me
the thing is, the reason why it doesn't seem like people hate me is cause i've shut up about the people who hate me. i dont care about the people who hate me...
i just dont give a fuck
ive tried my entire life to impress people just to be accepted,
and i left highschool a lot of assholes bullying me, a bunch of other shit, and got dumped in a text, so i said "fuck this shit" and i realized that i dont give a shit about people and what they say or think about meand when i stopped trying, five seconds later i meet max
i make a bunch of new friends
and as soon as i start trying again, max and i are fighting and our relationship is over,
and now, im not trying anymore, and it feels better than it has in a long time because we're actually good friends.
the secret is to not give a fuck
if someone doesnt like you
who the fuck cares
there are 7 billion people on the planet
some of them arent going to like you
u gotta accept it and move on
people are mean because they have shit in their own lives, and because they want to see a reaction
dont give them one
at least not in person
dont get mad at people, life is too short to dwell on anything.
people are so busy focusing on the negative shit around them that they can't stop and appreciate anything.
and YES i am being a bit hypocritical because i tend to flip shit when one bad thing happens, but its something we ALL have to work on.me included, and A LOT.
I just think that enough is enough.
If someone shit talks you, block them out.
If your friends aren't treating you right, they're clearly not your friends and you should probably get out of that.
If you're in a bad relationship, get the fuck out, stop being miserable.
we need to stop accepting the shit that goes on in our lives.
theres no point in living if all you're going to believe is that you'll never be happy and you accept that.
we all have to stop letting ourselves be so sad, its gotten to this point where our default setting is to just be mad or sad at anything that gets thrown at us, because its not what we are used to.
embrace the change, maybe we'll get something beautiful out of it.

im not saying "yolo" cause thats a stupid saying, but i am saying that live your life.
theres worse out there, so stop crying over spilt milk and if you're not satisfied with something,
get the fuck out there and fix it!

love u, jus

hypocritical me learns her ways and documents them

I had an extreme hypocritical moment and I need to document that I learn't my ways and junk.
So I have friends (i know right!?) but anyways, i've got friends, and i love all my friends as friends and shit, but sometimes my friends can be unreliable, and im not saying this to piss anyone off, but ive been ditched quite a bit in the past.. lets start off with the past, shall we?


A long long time ago... I was a younger kid, this was like elementary. I had everyones phone numbers in my address book, and week after week i would sit and call every number one after the other to make plans, and if they were busy (which they always were), id try to make plans for the next week, which conveniently they were busy then too. I dont know what you could be so busy with at that age, but they were busy, and id always be alone. then there was in school, where id be running around from group to group trying to find something to do, which of course never worked.
Now, Im not saying that im little miss innocent, I need to stress the fact that I was a weird effin kid, and if i knew myself back then, i would forsure not want to be my friend cause i was weird. but it still really sucked.
Then we move on to high school, where shit was wayyyyy worse lol, and i had practically no friends..
But all in all I realized "fuck waiting around for other people, and them not even wanting to see me, im going to let people call me!" But of course I'd sit and wait and nobody would call. so I started again with the calling and blah blah blah.

This brings us to the now, where I still tend to get cancelled on at last second A LOT, and although it doesnt effect me as much because i've been so used to it, its always a drag to just get pushed aside like that, and then keep trying to make plans and have them do it again and again. It even got to the point where my mom and I were scared to make the 18th birthday supper for me, because we were both scared that people would say they could show up and just not show up. and for me to feel like that towards my own friends was something scary.. but i decided to make it anyways and get really pissed at the people who ditch :p

Anyways continuing on, I have a friend who I know doesn't have many friends, they're a super nice person but unfortunately, just like me, they come on too strong and push people away from them totally without knowing and accidentally, because they are themselves and people dont accept that. So, we had plans for a day that wasn't necessarily today (im just writing it today) and i was really planning on cancelling on them. like i had a set plan to cancel because i was really not in the mood to see them. As I was thinking about it and I told my mom about it, as if at the same time, we both realized it was such a bad idea. Why? because that's totally hypocritical. I mean i've spent almost my entire life being blown off and ditched and cancelled on at last minute, and if i were to do this to this person, I'd be exactly like the people that have done this to me. Its one thing if its a good reason to cancel, but this person certainly didn't deserve it at all.. even though i wasn't really up for seeing them.
And you know what? I had a really good day with that person, and I completely do not regret my decision of cancelling because I would have felt so guilty for hurting their feelings.

I guess I just want to document the fact that I actually learnt something valuable from that experience, about treating others how you want to be treated, about looking deeper into someone and recognizing that they are just trying to fit in and make more friends, just like I was - and still am.

I know its not always going to be easy not to be hypocritical on things, like if you hate smokers but you love someone who smokes so you let them do it even though you dont like it, but i think that if its at the point that it completely messes with your values and what you think its important, then you should be able to not be a hypocrite about it, just like I wasn't a hypocrite about this.

So thats basically all, and maybe its also a comment on we shouldn't judge people (which is so parental of me to say), but its true, theres more to everyone than we think. :)

thats all folks.
love love love love,
jus. ;)

how to make it under the radar, or over it.

i've noticed that a lot of people know who i am.
i mean, this isnt me saying im popular or anything, but from elementary, five thousand different camps, high school, out of school programs, now cejep, through friends of friends, family.. i mean things get around.
i always wished nobody knew me, because the shit thats been said about me is insane, its almost like people know me by my name, but nothing else.
ive always been told that no matter good or bad, if people are talking about you, you're on their mind so you should feel all special and shit because they're taking their own time to think about you.
Boy, was i a sucker back then. I really believed that crap. Let me tell you, if their talking about you, and its bad, dont feel fucking special.
So, i wanted to write a few things, to remind myself, and anyone else who cares that sometimes being under the radar isnt THAT bad!
here are a few "rules" or "ways" to stay under the radar:
1. dont tell anyone anything. and i really mean that, because your friends might not be your friends forever, and they might be bitchy when you guys stop talking, which means your secrets are fucked.
2. dont draw negative attention to yourself. dont talk about bad shit that happened to you, or reasons for everyone to feel bad for you, because they will at first, than they'll either not give a shit, or use it against you.
3. never EVER get between two people. i made the mistake, so you might too. never ever tell people what other people are saying about them, because it will fuck you over in the end, for some reason the messenger gets fucked over more often than the people who actually started the shit talking in the first place.
and lastly, 4. dont lie. I know its a stupid one, but honestly, this one can RUIN your life. if you lie to one person and keep that lie with one person and that person ends up talking to people you know and brings it up, or brings it up infront of family or anything, you're known as a liar, or a whatever. if you're going to lie, at least lie to everyone so that this cant fuck you up, and tell everyone the same story..

see, in my opinion, this is how you stay normal, average, just on the line, and in the middle. The thing is, i wished i had taken my own advice there for previous parts of my life, because i would forsure not be in this situation if not.

BUUUTTT, considering i didn't do these things, and i can't really change the past, i decided i would make a group of other rules for people who are like me and fucked themselves over allready. how to make it OVER the radar, and still be happy.
1. shrug/ laugh it off. if it doesnt bother you, than its less likely to be the object of everyones conversations. if you let it bother you, people wont shut up about it
2. appologize. its the worst thing, but for when you've lied and get caught up in it, just say sorry. even if you don't get forgiven, at least you know you ended on saying sorry, and not just being a lying weirdo.
3. STAY over the radar. now that you allready are, if you try to stay under, everyone will think your suspicious or something. i mean if you're allready over the radar and everyone seems to know who you are, then own it and just say whatever. keep with who you are.
and lastly, 4. Continue to be careful about telling people things. i know that your supposed to stay over the radar and all, but you should always be careful what you say cause people totally suck sometimes, and your secrets are rarely safe.

I wish i was under the radar, but I'm happy to be over it. I mean, who gives a shit what people are saying about you if its untrue or if you don't even know them. Hey, shit happens to all of us, rumors spread and people are assholes sometimes. Im glad that people know who I am cause its one less step in introducing myself. PLUS, if people are going to judge me and think they know me before they even meet me, are they even worth knowing?

and so it is written,
JUS

and now im in a basement.

ive been thinking about what i wanted to do in my life.
forever, i knew it was teaching english, but for some reason, i feel like i wouldnt be a good teacher.
see, the sucky thing is, im not good with criticism. i try my best to take it well, but im overly sensitive, so ill always feel like im being made fun of, no matter what i do. so i basically just never ask for it. Being a teacher, id always get made fun of or kids would be disrespectful to me or whatever, and knowing me, id get all insulted and take it personal and like cry or something, cause im that type of person.
so basically, i wanna work on having a rougher exterior. i wanna take jokes well, i wanna not get insulted every time im left behind.. i think i can do that, any suggestions?
i really dont have much else to write about, so i should try to sleep or something.

ok bye people :)

the turning point in my life (inspired by another bloggers post)

I know i just posted like ten seconds ago, but i was looking at the blogs im following, and one is my boyfriend, max's, blog. he had a new post so i decided to read it, and i've got to say, it really inspired me.
he wrote about the turning point in his life, and how he picked up a rock and does that for each moment something big happens, and how it can change your life forever. click to read the post that inspired me
After reading this, I realized that whenever something big happens in my life, i write about it. and its always there for me just to look at.

Until today, i never really considered myself a full out writer because i don't even know what it means to be a writer. i mean i know you have to write, you have to love to write, but do you need to be published? do you need to write articles and books and be in writing clubs and know every essay format and be the greatest speller in the world? i never knew what a writer was. today, i know what a writer is, and ironically enough, i don't have the right words to describe that feeling.

I write letter to myself, letters to other people, letters to people who i've made up, and letters that made up people write to me. I've written short stories, ive written little bits of stories that i can't seem to finish, i've written countless essays and responses, analytical papers, and plenty more. i've had at least 10 diaries in my life, and i've even written terrible poetry that i'll never show anyone because its about a crush i had in grade 6.

Anyways, if i were to tell you guys the turning point in my life, i wouldnt be able to say just one. there are so many moments that could have changed my entire life, even the littlest thing could have changed everything. i think one of the biggest moments in my life was the day i chose who i wanted to be.. ill explain a little more.

I had always had role models, some older and some my own age, and in grade six i had this role model (who i will not name) and i wanted to be her, she was funny and pretty and cool and everyone liked her and i'd always admired her. the thing is, throughout peoples lives, they change, and they all make the decision that i made that day. she had become a bit more "mainstream" and she was wearing more pink and more designer, she started getting into fashion and becoming more liking of guys and all that, and of course as the little creepy person i was, i followed. I started dressing and acting different, and i started becoming such a girly girl jewish little princess. One day, i looked at myself and even though i was young, i knew there was something wrong with how i looked, how i spoke and how i felt.

I knew i wasn't being myself, but as a younger girl, i didn't realize this was me, trying to fit in. I remember i didn't like that i wasn't being myself, even though some people were liking me better. I decided that day , the decision that has haunted me since then, that i wasn't going to judge people, that i was going to be accepting and i was going to be myself, and id never sell myself out to fit in, and i would never be someone im not, cause i was so uncomfortable with it. i didn't know there would be a consequence to this decision.. and suddenly, i was weird, i was different and strange, and i didn't belong.

That was the biggest decision i think ive ever had to make, and all through highschool i went from loving it to regretting it to loving it, and to this day, i still don't know whether i like it or not. But i'm quite glad that I am the way I am, and I don't think i would have been able to go through fitting in with the people that i so desperately wanted to run away from every time i saw them. today, i regretted that decision so much. i had a bad day, and i wished that i just sucked it up and fit in, but i didn't, so ya.

Also, if i never made that decision, i wouldn't know as much as i do now about myself, i'd have fake friends, and a fake personality. I would have never met the people I did, especially my boyfriend max. Imagine i was a jap? he would have never liked me, and i would have liked him so much, because i know myself, and he would have seen the fake version of me, and probably wouldn't have liked it, along with all the people im friends with now, none of them would have liked the fake me.

I guess all im saying is that this was the turning point in my life, oh and also, im extremely jealous of max.
why am i jealous? because my goal in life is to inspire one person, at least just one person read something i say and have it effect them in some sort of positive way, and he's only on his like fourth post, and i've never felt so hit with muse and inspiration.. I literally am sitting here and i have to pee so badly, but after i read his entry, its like something stopped me from doing anything but writing.

so thats that, and theres much more to come because if i know myself well enough, something will hit me friday, and i'll have to write about him.. (friday is six months since the day i met max. shush don't judge me)

hope you guys find inspiration everywhere you look,
much love,
jus

my philosophy essay

brace yourselves people, this is a long post. i really liked my essay for my philosophy class, so im going to post it, and please email or comment and let me know what you think. if your going to criticize, make it constructive and don't just be an asshole. here it is :)

A Popularity Contest for the Ages

     When one uses the word culture, many things come to mind: television, advertisements, clothes, attitude, education and beliefs. However, how one person may perceive a cultural amenity they consume or enjoy may not be perceived the same way by those around them who might come to a different conclusion about its cultural value and status. By considering the content of the cultural products they consume, who the consumers are and the effect the consuming has on them, the difference between high and low culture will be explored.

     One of the major differences between high and popular/low/mass culture is the content of products consumed and the perception of the consumers whether they are "easy" or "hard". When looking at a product of any kind, when the consumer feels challenged by it, when the product seems tough to understand, or full of beneficial information, or perceived as classy and expensive, it is seen as very high cultured. On the other hand, when a product appears easier to understand, or less expensive, and without apparent moral benefits, it is looked at as just a more low cultured product. For example, when referring to movies, one who imagines themselves "high cultured" would rather watch a documentary or a very serious movie, such as a drama, as opposed to someone who might be perceived as "low culture" who would choose to watch a comedy. The documentary or drama is filled with all of this "brain food" and keeps the consumer thinking, but they imagine it is worth it because they will walk out feeling smarter than they did before; as opposed to the comedy, filled with humour and silliness, not requiring the consumer to think at all, and one will walk out feeling entertained but not at all any smarter than the moment they walked in because that was not their intent. Interestingly enough, the factor of time can make the perception of a product's cultural status, going from low to high. A great example of this is The Beatles who when they first appeared were seen as uncultured, an immoral mop-headed quartet because of their mass popularity and their music was seen as rebellious towards the more classic tunes of that era. Looking back now and considering the relatively innocent lyrics and use of innuendo, and knowing how outwardly sexual lyrics are in contemporary music, listening to them is thought of as very high culture. They have become old news, and compared to today's musicians, who have mass popularity, they are what people call classic. The content does not change but the perceptions of the content over time have evolved and categorized them as high or low.

     Another factor of high culture clashing with low culture is the people who consume the products. Based on content, we can see if the product itself is believed to be high or low culture, which directs you right to the people who consume them. For example, at John Abbott College, there were tickets to the opera available, and the price for people under 18 was free, whereas tickets to see the Vagina Monologues the tickets were $15. This shows how anyone over 18, thus considered adult, would pay to see the opera, because it is a product perceived as being of higher and older culture, and the opera is imagined as "good for you". This is different from the lower youth culture who wouldn't pay to see an opera because there is no perceived entertainment attached to it but when the school offered tickets to Vagina Monologues, it appealed greatly to youths because of raging hormones and sexuality, so they would pay the money to see something that has to do with sex. Another instance is when one turns on the television and sees that the news is on, but so is a hit new reality show where a group of young Italians live together and party day after day. The uneducated and ignorant culture, the popular culture, will go straight to the reality show (Jersey Shore), while the educated and not as easily manipulated higher cultured will watch the news because they believe it will better themselves to know more about the world around them. Though the people consume different products based on their own sense of taste, they might not realize how they are culturally perceived as a result.

     Finally, and maybe most importantly, the biggest contrasts between high and popular culture are seen in the effects it has on the consumers. When one person decides to go to the mall and is walking around looking for a store in which to buy clothing, if they stop at some place like Forever 21 or H&M and they buy the newest "in fashion" jeans and top, even if they don't like it that much, the effect it has on them is that they are looked at as part of the popular culture, because everyone is wearing those clothes. However if that same person decides instead to go into a Hugo Boss or a Zara store to buy a nice set of clothing for a higher price, the effect on them is that they are seen as being of a higher culture, because they went to get something fancier and more expensive which then makes them be perceived as somewhat superior. Not only are they classified into higher and lower culture for what they dress like, but they are judged accordingly. If one has their hair dyed blue they are immediately lower culture, even if they are interested in the opera. Interestingly enough, no matter how high cultured someone is, if they like one thing low culture, then they are automatically perceived as low culture, but it's almost not allowed to be the other way around. Once low culture is connected to you, the effect is permanent and it is difficult to undo.

     Whether one consumes a cultural product with an intention in mind or not does not change the fact that one is not in control of how that is perceived by others. Therefore, high and low culture is a matter of perception for each individual to come up with on their own. Before one chooses to consume a product, the cultural classification may already be attached to it because of the people who consume it, such as the example of all Jewish people loving bagels. Now, societies are comparing themselves to other societies, to see who the higher cultured population is. Forget about thinking that popularity contests were for high school kids; how far would a whole country go to make themselves seem the highest in culture?

hope you enjoyed it!

school troubles - learning center

im dying. philosophy is so hard its crazy, english has come to being crazy weird and confusing, and my popular music class is easy, but the book isnt a good read. SOOOO, im dying.
im not literally dying, cause im not going to fail, like theres no way in hell i will, for more than one reason
1. i have an AMAZING tutor for philosophy, whos helping me so much with my essay
2. i cant fail, im not allowed to fail, and i wont let myself fail.

so i wanna tell you about this tutor. i know this sounds weird but i feel like i can't just keep this secret to myself. I don't know where anyone goes for college, but if you end up at John Abbott like me, (and anywhere else because i know every place must have this) you should go to the Learning Center at LEAST once. honestly, i didn't want to go cause im not "stupid" persay, and i didn't want to be babied into understanding something, cause i have "pride" or whatever.
when i finally sucked up my pride because of the 1000 word essay i have to write thats due wednesday, i went to the learning center and said i really need a meeting for this essay. I ended up meeting up with this tutor twice, and to be honest, ive got almost the entire essay done, and i have a couple more meetings set up with this tutor.

honestly, asking for help sucks. especially when you're trying to become someone who helps other people, i hate admitting im wrong because im stubborn and i don't like saying i need help because i want to be able to do things on my own. but at this place, he literally made me do it on my own. he guided me and sooner than later i was just chatting away and had all of these ideas i didnt even know i could come up with.

so, for philosophy, ive got my tutor. for english, fuck english man :p no i love english, and i love my teacher, but she said she would help me and i havnt heard from her, so either ill talk to her in class, or shell answer back by message. and for music, i have a study date with my friend erica next weekend we're going to read all the chapters we're missing, which is like probably chapter 1 to chapter 5 or something. we'll see how it goes, im sure itll be great.

i don't have much else to say, but i wanted to definately write about how things went from bad to better all thanks to me actually giving myself over and saying i needed help.
it sucks to have to suck up and ask, but asking questions is much better than not knowing anything at all, trust me, i feel so much better about school and everything.

thats about all,
and btw, im going to try and write more, and if you ever want to comment, please feel free to comment, or email (justineerinfrankel@hotmail.com) and to subscribe to my blog. i'd love to know more people are reading it, even if they tell me anonymously, because it'll make me want to write more if i know that people actually want to read it :p

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

shut up and smile

im sitting here today, and im not in a great mood, im feeling pretty unconfident and shitty, and i just want to sleep you know? but my mom came to me and read this whole thing, and it sounded like a sixteen year olds writing, and it had my moms signature about a hundred times written on the back in different ways, and from seeing that I realized she had written it when she was younger, and it was a paper, for school i assume, just describing herself positively. When she finnished, she said "If I hadn't said it was mine, you'd think id be describing you" and that really made me think. BUT, i dont want to go off on some rant about how great I am, cause I know i'd be lying. but i think i wanna just say a few things i like about myself, because maybe its things that nobody else see's in me, but I see in myself, that i want to let out.

Firstly, appearance wise, I love my nose, i think its adorable. I like my eyes a lot, and i think my ears are a little big, but my earlobes are nice. I also like my neckline, and i think i have a nice chest, but im not going to go into detail about that. I like the way my shoulders look and the way the back of my neck leads to my back. I like my feet, but nobody elses!

Secondly, my personality. I think im hilarious, but nobody laughs at my jokes. I think im really generous and kind, but only to people who i believe deserves it. I think im like everybody else when it comes to wanting to fit in with their own crowd, but i refuse to sell myself out to hangout with certain people. I think im accepting of difference and i know im judgemental at first, but i believe i can be friends with anyone. I think im sweet and loving, and id give the shirt off my back for someone who needed it. Im ignorant, and sometimes i dont mind it, because the truths of the world would scare me too much.
And lastly, I think im talented. To some extent, im a horrible writer because I am hopeless with writing stories, articles are the death of me, but i can write an essay about something i understand, and i think i can blog, but maybe im crazy.

Its really hard to smile, when there is so much bad around me. yea, my parents have money, ive got a family that sticks together, i go on vacation and im in school and im not THAT dumb, but everyone has a story to tell, an unhappy one, and a happy one; and its hard to sit there and be a part of life with a smile on your face where there is so much to be sad about. You can't tell someone to focus on the happiness, because sometimes it feels like there is none, but you can try. I know it sounds ridiculous, even as writing this im saying i sound stupid and i should take my own advice, but im sitting here, thinking what the hell am I doing right now, and saying there must be something better than this, and im going to find out what that is.

Roussau once said "Man is born free, and forever he is in chains". Well, its the truth. feeling imprisoned in life is what life is about, we have al these laws and all these terrors in life, so how do we smile at those terrible times? my answer to that is simple, but crazy. JUST SMILE. dont overthink why you should smile, and what you should be happy about, just friggen do it! wish you were happy? then BE happy. you don't need a reason to smile, and yea you might look stupid, but you wont feel that way.
Last week, i promised myself I would tell myself out loud that i was beautiful every day, because when i said it in the mirror, i felt it. and guess what? I didn't do it, and the more i looked at myself and didnt say it, the less i felt it. and today, i told myself to be happy, and guess what? for no real reason, I became happier.

Happiness is just a feeling, don't overthink it and feel stupid about feeling it. Being happy is much easier than being sad. And while writing this blog, I went from sad to happy in just a few minutes.

love always,
Justine

radio show

sup "many" readers?
so interestingly enough, two new things are in the air:

firstly, im officially part of my schools radio. because in case at 10:00 to 11:30 AM on fridays people really wanna hear my voice, we'll there is their chance.
im actually pretty pumped for it because its going to be something totally out of my norm and something i usually wouldnt ever do. also, itll give me a chance to try out something that i used to always want to do. my only issue is that im going to be alone for the show, which is going to be boring because its boring sitting in a room alone, besides the fact that ill be listening to music.
i came up with a theme for my little show that ill do once a week, i want to find all the artists that have been born and passed away in the week prior to my show, and on my show mention them and then play their music. thats pretty original, right? well, thats life if its uncool. if you dont wanna hear it, dont be in the agora or munch box from ten to eleven thirty on friday mornings.

secondly, im finally understanding philosophy, and its REALLY freaking me out.
i mean, did you guys know that the whole H1N1 thing was a whole big scam? YEA! it was just a bunch of people in one place that got experimented on and shit went awry and they got sick, and the pharmacies thought this shit would go ROUND, so they made like tons of vaccinations, and then when it died out like really recently after, they had all these vaccinations, so they just decided to tell us we would die and junk, and made everyone take the damn shot.. i mean more people die from the common flu than the people who have died from the H1N1 disease.
oh and something else interesting? you know how we eat a lot of food and shit? well from all the cows comes tons of meat, and when less people eat meat, all the surplus of meat makes it easy to make meat cheap, cause theres so much of it, but then, all the fucking animals that get all drugged up and messed up for our food, get just disposed of, because farmers wanna make food cost lots. THEY JUST THROW OUT THE ANIMALS THEY TORTURE, SO THEY CAN KEEP THE PRICES HIGH.
people are fucked up, but speaking of eating animals, its dinner time and im famished.

from the desk itself,
jus

i wore a tux to my dream wedding

So I'm sitting in the GALA room (gay and lesbian association),and I really really love it here. I love that nobody judges anyone on what they like or how they feel or what they do; its just who they are that matters. Buuuuttt, this isn't what I'm writing about.

You know me, I get bothered by everything, and thats why I have a blog right? well, something else got to me a little, and I'm going to write about it :)

So in philosophy, we spoke about the way we were brought up culturally and how we have to do certain things because of what we look like basically. And our main thing was clothing with gender.
AAANNNNYYWAYYYSSS, In school, they're having a "Miss John Abbott" Pageant, where guys dress as chicks and we get to look at it and laugh until we piss our pants at how weird everyone looks.

For some reason (maybe cause im a psycho), this kind of bothers me. Why is it so entertaining to see a guy wearing a dress? Because dresses are for girls! BUUUUTTT, who decided that? Who decided that girls wear skirts and dresses and belly tops and headbands with little hearts and butterflies?
It angers me because we are basically devided in the simplest way, just because our gender, we have to dress differently. And of course, if we see a guy wearing a dress, hes clearly some "fag drag queen" that is inferior to us because he decided he wanted to look different.
Now, I dontwant to go preaching that we should celebrate differences and were all the same on the inside and akk that jazz, because that wont change anything, and neither will what I feel; but I do want to just talk about how I think the decision of this gender split with clothing is just so ridiculous.

And for me to say that, someone who strongly believes a woman SHOULDNT be president, is a big thing. I want to promote equality for what we dress like, not what we do. When we walk into a store, we are imediately split up from the other gender because they aren't selling at all the same things in both sections. I find that completely unnatural and unfair.

I just think that getting entertained by people dressing differently is totally the opposite of what people have always promoted. If we celebrate difference and people being who they are and all that crap, then doing this stupid event is basically making fun of the people who dress that way for FUN. I mean its a bunch of big guys, probably jocks and assholes who think their HILLARIOUS, dressing as chicks to make fun of females. And imagine the people who actually are guys who dress as women because that's what makes them happy? Are they allowed to join?

Clothing does not have a gender, it is a peice of cloth that has been manifactured into a style and a colour and a look that someone puts on their bodies to cover up their "private parts".

so thats all i gotta say. pce. :)

vaginas have opinions too

i am so excited.
im going to see the damn vagina monologues with my mum, and im excited cause its going to be the funniest effin thing on earth. empowered women make me so happy.
anyways, i was talking to some people today about feminists and junk, and I came to a sudden realization that can anger a lot of chicks, especially if its their time of the month (ehhhhh? ;))
so, i think that the president shouldnt be a woman. this is something i feel not so strongly about cause i really dont care that much since the world is fucked anyways so i dont care who fucks us over politically, but honestly, a woman president is a BAD idea, for a number of reasons.
First of all, whether we like it or not, us ladies are emotional as fuck. trust me, ive finally accepted that i feel the same as most girls, and it helps me control myself better. i mean us girls, we are fucking emotional, and thats okay. its really not that big of a deal, its just that we get all worked up and get mad when people say we are, which proves we are even more. I mean i hate being like other girls, emotional and all that, but that shit happens, and we gotta deal with it. A woman president will feel like they're the bees knees and they would take all matters into how they "feel", and then things would basically become all about them in the sense that if they think its wrong, no matter what science or facts prove, then they will act on their opinions.
Second of all, when it comes to fighting and war, unfortunately its around, and we gotta have someone who can fight back. Not to say that girls don't fight back and stuff, but most of us try to solve our problems differently, and gossiping about china isnt the way to solve a war if we have one with them. we need a man president who isnt afraid to send off bombs and fight back. When we dont fight, they'll just bomb us and win wars and shit. were too chick-ish to do that.
Thirdly, and this one will piss people off, girls and their fken time of the month. The world will go to shit for one week every month, because we are annoying as shit on our times, and it sucks, but we are 100% like this. We will be overly emotional, we will be angry, we will be hungry, and we will drive everyone bonkers. also, we will just fucking ruin everything with the god damned colour pink.
so everyone stop crying about how i feel, because you never know, we might get a chick in charge and she might be awesome, but i mean, I really don't want to deal with Justin Beiber being our national anthem.
Chicks would be shitty presidents, and thats life. Hey its okay we can still be strippers.

ok bye.

my big move

little do you think i was talking bullshit when i said i wanted a change? wellll... i wasnt yo. i actually messaged this girl i was in a class with last semester that im going to be in another one with this, and i totally TOTALLY swallowed my pride, and asked if she wanted to be friends, and if she could introduce me to some new people.
so, yes, i did ask a girl to be my friend, which seems pathetic, but is legit. i mean you see someone who looks nice, you either talk to them or you dont, and its weird cause we shared a couple conversations, and she knows my boyfriend so it was kind of like oh hey, but it was super legal to ask her to be friends.
and guess what btches, she totally understood my predicament, and said yes! and weve been talking. so haha.
i really still am in dissbelief that i did it, but like i said, im making a change, and im not going to spend weekends alone anymore. my goal of first semester continues, meet someone in every class. so boom. look out abbott. im making friends.
i sound like a loser.
k i have to wake up in like 5 hours and 30 mins, so goodnight world

written about a post that i deleted.

my blog became famous because im a bitch woohoo.

WELL, i gotta say, i can admit when im wrong, because i deffinately was by posting that last blog post.
I am not doing this to gain back friends or to get respect. I am doing this more for myself because i know i should.
I really should have spoken to those two people, but i was irresponsible and i didnt. That was totally my fault and a really wrong thing on me, but the past is the past, and posting bad shit on the internet doesnt make anything worse.
I think that I should be a little less open with other people, because that usually ruins things, but honestly, this blog is here for me to complain, so i should use it, complain and write and do my business here, so that i can take more time out to actually listen when people talk to me. I think that this is my fault entirely, and someone helped me realize that today. I wont mention anything and im not going to beg for forgiveness, because i really gotta accept the concequences. and if people who are angry at me ever decide to talk to me again, thats totally on them, and im not going to force it or whatever.
Im really getting my wrongs off my chest because i gotta stop doing the things i do.
To all these guys I meet that i become friends with, i gotta stop being so friendly. I mean I know thats who I am, and i dont expect anything from them, guys can get the wrong idea and think things that arent true. So i can still be friendly but not as friendly.
To all the girls I meet that i become friends with.. that doesnt happen because im a bitch. I gotta start being more of a friend than just some fucking person who sits around and doesnt shutup about herself. If i have something to say, i am a writer, so i'll just write it down.
To anyone i talk to, i think that my extreme personal life should stay with me. I appologize to anyone that i've said "too much" to, because its unfair and its probably things they dont need or want to hear.
I've got to start listening and being more attentive, and not just trying to impress everyone, cause when i do that, it always shits right on me.
I think i have to be the girl i want to be... starting now.
I want to more than anything start to just be myself, without the bad parts of me.

I want to remind whomever reads this that im NOT being a suck up to the people who i angered, because i do not accept forgiveness, i actually wanna thank the people who hate me for helping me realize i dont like when people hate me. I mean, i can't win over everyone's heart, but i can help myself be less of a people pusher (one who pushes people away from them cause they suck).

So there you go and there you have it. My appologies, and my new self. I will be a better person, and I guess ill report back on it.

ciao peoples

moNOthankyou

sup dorks.
if you are reading this, you can tell i havn't written in a while. well thats what happens when you're super popular and have no free time. im kidding. im actually a huge loser who spends all her time watching movies that her boyfriend makes her watch.
but enough about that, i'd actually been in florida two weeks ago, and on a cruise last week. it was quite nice and i made some alright friends. my favorite was the three lil boys who hit on me. because i jus LOOOOOVVVEEEE getting hit on while my boyfriend sits at home, sick with the kissing disease. i blame it on eating food off the ground. the doc blames it on anything.
so anyways, ive been thinking a lot, (run for the hills, ive been thinking!) just about the idea of schooling and junk. I've kind of got this hatred for cejep teachers. i was thinking about some of my older teachers from last semester (whom i will not name for my own safety), and i've got to say, they were some pretty big douchers. most are totally biased, some like to just be mean, others have issue with opinions, and one of them just kept telling me how wrong i was infront of EVERYONE.
I mean, i get it, you dont have to give a shit about us and if were late or were prgnant or we died or something, but you should give a shit that what you're teaching us, were going to have with us for a long period of time. I dont want to leave your class confused and pissed off tht you're the stupid one. I mean jesus, students should teach classes on how to teach to teachers. I've got an issue with biased teachers who think their side is the right one, and teachers who boast about the idea of us "expressing" ourselves, yet we aren't allowed to have an opinion on shit. well fuck that im tired of feeling like every little thing i do is wrong.
and now that im mentioning that, its not just in school, its everywhere. when you are the "teenage" age (between 16 & 20), its like EVERYTHING we do is wrong. and my mom always said, if everyone fails a test, it could reflect poorly on how the teacher teaches. so maybe everyone being so fucking WRONG reflects on the dumbasses around us who make us think what we're doing is right.
anyways, thats my complaining of the day
this wasn't one of my best writings, but i needed to yell, and i have more on my mind, but its too personal for the INTERNET. goodnight people, ill write back soooooooooon.
from the bed, picking her nose,
jus