the time has come

so, the time has come to publicly announce being single. see, i didnt wanna put it at first, cause i had some hope that maybe it wasnt really over, and it was just a bit of a break cuz he wasnt sure of what he wanted. but i gotta say, its looking pretty official. and you know, ive got to learn to respect that because its what he wanted.
i think i also waited to write something cause i know myself, and i knew i would go on a rant about how hes an ass and a douche and wasnt good at kissing or whatever (he was great btw). i knew i would find every excuse in the book to prove i was better than him, and why he was a bad guy, or whatever his flaws were, or whatever he did wrong to me.
could you imagine if i did that? it wouldnt make me any better than him; sure, he made me feel like shit for breaking up with me, but really, hes allowed to, if he doesnt feel a certain way, why does he have to continue with that, just to make me happy? im glad that he did what he had to do, allthough im sad that he had to do it.
honestly, i had an amazing relationship with him. a week less than a year, and hes changed me as a person. i stopped doing things i didnt want to do anymore, i stopped being such a bad person, i started to appretiate the little things more. i even did better in school, to try and impress him cause he is so smart. also, he made me want to love, he made me want to give my love away so that i can feel a bond with a person ive never experienced.
ill explain how he helped me love. i never trusted guys that much, (no offence guys), because ive been used quite a bit in the past. so especially when i met this amazing guy whos goodlooking and nice and tall, i was right away attracted to him, and i knew that he could get a ton of girls, and through a bit of our relationship, i was scared to say "i love you" and scared to show my love because if i gave it away, its so easy to break me. he just helped me break out of that, and give my love away, and he didnt break me, even when he broke up with me, he didnt break me, he did it because it was his decision, but he deffinately didnt break me, because he did it in a way that let me down easy, and he said he felt bad and it didnt feel good to hurt me. maybe im just naive, but i have a strange feeling hes telling the truth.
i guess what i really wanted to do was not to kid myself really and pretend its not effecting me. im putting on a strong face, and unless you really know me, you wouldnt be able to tell i was even sad. but yes, it really really hurt, because i was sure things were just getting started with us, but you know, maybe this was good for me, and good for him. i have to respect his decision. i tried to fight for it, tried to fix things, but in the end it was up to him, and he decided he wanted out, and if i went around moping about it, i would just look stupid and pathetic. im going to continue my life as it was, though i do still love him.
thanks for reading, and if he ever did read this, thank you ex boyfriend, for the most amazing year of my entire life, through all the crap of highschool, and all the stupidness of the summer, you were there for me through it all, and one day, it would be nice to be friends again. i hope you accomplish whatever it is you want in life, and i wish you unconditional luck for the future. you are a great guy.

if you love something, set it free; if it comes back, its yours, if it doesnt, it never was.

allnighterbaby

what time is it? 2:58 am,
what am i doing? loafing in bed, watching "walk hard". what a great movie.
not the point though. the point is, why the fuck am i still awake? and why is my tummy makin noisessss? ouuuff its painful.

anyways, i had a dream because i fell asleep for like twenty minutes, but i wanted to tell my dream because it was weird..
so i was on a hill, and i was walking up this hill, and there were frogs everywhere, and one of them was really following me; it was talking to me in some gibberish, but i coulda sworn that it was scared or warning me. so i tuned back, but the hill was gone and i went falling for what felt like hours, then i landed on a bed of pillows and this frog was back but now speaking english, and it said: "be careful of what comes, your in danger of a knife in your throat."

then i woke up.. its freaking me out i gotta say.. so i needed to write that down and document it.
goodnight, if i fall asleep. xo

home again

wow. camp, the two month jewish prison of fun and games is over. you know, i always loved this camp of mine, and i always had fun as a camper, but i realized how muhc i LOVED being a staff this year. Honestly, the responsibilities and the independance is just amazing.

but more importantly, the new gameplan of this camp was cnfusing, for everyone. the new rules were loved, hated, rebelled, and just plain random, but of course, they are rules, and we must follow them.
Id like to congradulate myself on an amazing summer of NOT getting fired. after getting an ED (extra duty) and a warning, after getting caught doing bad things one after the other, getting fired was what should have happened, but lucky me, it wasnt.

funny how excited about coming home and not being there anymore, and my first day back i did a total of BARELY ANYTHING. im sitting here, straightener heated up to 230 so i can make myself gorgeous, and wondering what im going to do today, what am i going to do tomorrow? im bored of being home allready.

then, i think of the people who came to camp from other places, whether it be far away in canada, the US, europe or even further; what do they do when they get home? two whole months of being away from your sanctuary, how do they react? im sure they get all nervous and excited, excited to see their families and friends, but sad to leave a place they spent so long. will they remember this summer as a waste of time, or as a second-new home to come back to? thats what i sit and wonder while alone in my extremely comfy bed, with all my teddybears.

how do i unpack after such a long summer? peice by peice, day by day, i put clothes away and realize that this isnt just a day off from camp, its a whole year off from camp, and onto school i go.

thanks for the most amazing, crazy, drama filled (because im drama staff), fun, annoying, angry, funny summer of my entire life. you know who you are to al the people i care about, you helped change my life just a little bit more :)

complainer mc complainy pants ;)

so, i havnt gotten much time to write cause i been so busy being the boomest drama staff, and makin a new, amazing friend (yes thats you seb, you got a lil shoutout) and ya. so speaking of new friend seb, he told me that i complain too much here, and he has a point, besides now because i dont have much time, i always post about bad shit, so i wanna start talking about good things too, like how i roasted marshmellows for my first time last weekend, and i survived camping without getting eaten by a bear.

i think the biggest thing that i wanted to talk about was actuall camp, because im fortubate enough to reach my two goals :)
1. have a camper have a staff crush on me
2. make a campers summer
well of course the first one was reached ;) jkjk but to be quite honest, if a kid comes to you and thanks you and says that you made their summer, thats too much to ask for, thats just the thing i want to accomplish in life, but bigger. i want to change someone around, make a frown into a smile, but make it for something important. well i got that chance when a girl that was thirteen came to me with an issue that was something i went through, the bisexual stage is a weird and scary one, cause your really confused and scared, but i was lucky enough for a camper to come to me with her issue and how shes scared to tell her friends and family, and shes sure she is. i sat with her, told her my experiences and we really had a great conversation, and i really felt like i helped someone out. i dont wanna say i changed their life, nor do i wanna say i did any help because i have no idea if i did or not, but i know something got to her. getting through to someone so young going through something so scary, thats special.
this is why i came to camp. deffs not for the 600 pay im getting for the whole summer (killmepls), not for the sleeping or eating conditions, not for the disgusting bathrooms or showers. i came here to make a kids summer amazing, and i felt lile i did that.
so here is me, not complaining. life, is really good right now, and im happy that things are going well. i can successfully put a smile on my face. the only sad thing is camp is ending, and i gotta say goodbye to a friend im not ready to say goodbye to.

from the mouth of the lion, from the woman in charge, and the village idiot. hope u read hearty.