I wrote this last week, but forgot to post it. I had been out with my friend and went exploring in random abandoned buildings. I wrote this while on the roof of one of them, looking at downtown montreal lights from above.
don't know if i could die out here.
im terrified, i can barely type. im shaking no no seriously im shaking.
i lost count after 10 stories, didn't want to count anymore. this is my first time exploring buildings, and im terrified. we had to run, hide, wear dark clothes.. caught by security can result in arrest. so we get here and were running low and im already like wtf get me out of here, and my friend tells me to put on my gloves and mask, cause the rust is narsty hard to breath in there and yeah. so were sneaking and climbing through shit, and we get inside. turn on flashlights, you hear nothing but the sound of heavy breathing (me), and footsteps (us) inside. were dead silent. rusty stairs made me cry haha. now that i think about that im laughing. i was sure the entire place would break down and we'd die, so i cried a lot on the way up, had a few episodes of "NOPE NOPE NOT GOING ANYMORE". my poor friend will never do this with me again, but its my first time so give me a break dudes. So finally on the last floor and i just cant anymore i sit there and say no you go on the roof ill wait here, ill wait here. my friend goes, and comes back and is like dude u have to come dont say you came all the way up scared as shit wont even go on the roof? and i was like nahh g nahh cant cant cant. but finally he made me do it, and here i am! :O so. worth. it. thats all i have to say. im jsut up here and im thinking wow dude, this is something i would NEVER do. justine frankel, in a situation she would never ever do. my friend the previous day said to me "how do you feel about the idea that you can get seriously injured or even die, thats the worst that can happen" and i was like "fuck yeah bring it on" and guess what? i did it. i feared for my life at a few points, had to be super careful of where i was standing and stuff, had to inch a bit and almost even fell, but i wasnt an idiot, and i wasnt drunk, so i was good. Its beautiful up here, and i feel triumphant. i feel like i havent ever felt. this is amazing. im taking picutres when im done writing, im gona lay here and stare at stars, or just scream (nah i cant or security will see us). yeah, so anyways. i just thought writing this needed to happen, because when i look back, i need to know i documented how i feel right now in this moment, total peace jus. nirvana is the roof of this building thats about to fall apart. that i could fall off of at any moment if i just leaned a little too much forward. the skyline is beautiful, the world, its just wow, beautiful. and sometimes you just need to see a different angle, to realize how petty everything else is. just like how i felt in europe, how i'll feel in israel, and how i feel right now. i god damn love this planet. i hope you all get to experience this one day. its absolutely perfect. im in pain and im scared and i had to go through gross shit to get here, but its all worth it. and now ill have to travel down haha didnt even think of that. ahh well, i did one way, i can certainly do the other. stay sweet! xx
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Forgive Me If Im Wrong - poems by jus
When we were young,
Just barely two,
The teachers taught us,
What we should do.
Just barely two,
The teachers taught us,
What we should do.
When we do something hurtful,
Or make someone real sad,
If we don't appologie,
it makes them feel bad.
Or make someone real sad,
If we don't appologie,
it makes them feel bad.
We were always taught,
That we shouldnt be mean,
But if we are, we appologize,
makes a messy sitch clean.
That we shouldnt be mean,
But if we are, we appologize,
makes a messy sitch clean.
But we face everyday,
One that feels no remorse,
Who will say all the worst things,
And wont run off course.
One that feels no remorse,
Who will say all the worst things,
And wont run off course.
They judge you everyday,
Make your world appear small,
If only this mean voice,
would say nothing at all.
Make your world appear small,
If only this mean voice,
would say nothing at all.
They tell you what you cant do,
and laugh at what you can,
They know everything about you,
And their you're least favorite fan.
and laugh at what you can,
They know everything about you,
And their you're least favorite fan.
You know who I speak of,
That great enemy,
Who judges you the worst,
And you wish to be free.
That great enemy,
Who judges you the worst,
And you wish to be free.
The enemy lives inside,
each of us every day.
we are our own worst crittict,
is what my mom used to say.
each of us every day.
we are our own worst crittict,
is what my mom used to say.
So we can forgive the kids,
Who called us names in the snow,
But whos the worst to us all?
Look in a mirror, you'll know.
Who called us names in the snow,
But whos the worst to us all?
Look in a mirror, you'll know.
How can we learn to say sorry,
To who treats us the worst,
We know ourselves much too well,
Its a gift and a curse.
To who treats us the worst,
We know ourselves much too well,
Its a gift and a curse.
We look at ourselves in bad light,
We treat our bodies the same,
As if this precious life,
Is just one big long game.
We treat our bodies the same,
As if this precious life,
Is just one big long game.
When it comes to the end,
When everyone goes,
The only way to find happiness,
Is right under your nose
When everyone goes,
The only way to find happiness,
Is right under your nose
If we learn to say sorry,
For when we called ourselves wrong,
For the 'your fat, ugly, and stupid'
For when lost our own song.
For when we called ourselves wrong,
For the 'your fat, ugly, and stupid'
For when lost our own song.
When we can finally say sorry,
For the harm that we brought,
We'll be able to find,
The peace of mind that we sought.
Love yourself and your flaws,
It'll go the extra mile,
And remember, never frown,
Cause someone loves when you smile.
21
smileena, this is for you, so thankful that you care about my writing and look forward to my posts, mad love to you girl, you keep me young xoxox-
so,
been a while since i posted, and i keep saying at the end of my post that im going to write more, but fact of the matter is, its hard.
^ thats where i start. "its hard, i have no time". dudes, i got mad time. i watch mad netflix.
today feels different though. something about today makes me not want to sit around and be useless.
hey, i turned 21 on saturday, and it made me super happy, then pretty eh, then sad.
when i was a kid, i wrote, like i wrote stories beyond my wildest imagination. i was almost like an inventor; new ideas always cooking up in my head, trying all sorts of new and crazy things. I find that as we get older, and as we become more experienced with life, this beautiful blind optimism and innocence leaves. of course it does, because the world is an awful place with terrible humans, but when we're kids, we don't know, or we don't seem to care.
so i was thinking about what changed, what could have changed from childhood that made me so cynical, that made me not who i used to be. I mean yeah, im still me, but theres a lot missing, a lot of the beauty and quirkiness that made me.. well, me. had dissapeared. i spend so much time in my room living vicariously through the characters on my netflix binges. i cry and i laugh and i live along with them, and its beautiful, until the show ends, the credits role, and i close my computer, becoming instantaneously immersed into reality. its almost like when the sun shines in your eyes for the first time in a day, you want to put your hands over your eyes and squint, and tell someone to put the brightness away, you want to crawl back in your hole and be alone a few more minutes. well, when i realized how much this had become my life, i wanted it to stop, i still do want it to stop. I still bingewatch netflix-lets be real- i missed the old justine.
the breakup has had a tole on me man, that was my first realization, so i stopped stalking old ex's (WE ALL DO IT AFTER A BREAKUP DONT JUDGE ME) and seeing how great their lives were, and i started focusing on how great my life was, is, and will be. Yesterday, i was with my friends and one of them said that we've seen eachother so much in the past little while. Since January, I've spent so much time with my girl friends. I don't know if you know this, (maybe from old blog posts -reference "the turning point in my life" i believe- , or just me if you know me) but i was never a girly girl. I never had a lot of girl-friends, besides the odd ones, and never had that tight knit group. well i did, but they were mostly guys. still, i find myself spending more time fucking around with the guys then doing... girl things (?) with the girls. but for the last few years my life, after high school(besides the guy i was dating, cause i dont want it to come off like he was the fault of me being fucked- just self issues) our lives had all been very tough. all of us, my best friends. all in their own way needed eachother, and we started to get closer and closer. I am proud and honored to mention my three best friends jess caitie and cara. since january those girls have been my life, we see eachother at least once a week, and usually more. I love them to death, and they keep me sane.
- -- - - -- -- - side note that could be why i havent written as much, i got them :$ -
omg realization okay guys lightbulb.
I write to complain right? right.
well, most girls compalin to their friends, and i feel like now i finally have these girls and we all talk mad shit and like hate everyone but we love everyone but we just are so close its amazing, i never need to complain because i dump my shit on them, and they do the same. They will never know, ever, how much i appreciate them, and love them, no matter how many times i say it, type it, anything, it doesnt amount to half the love and respect and just compassion i have for those three girls.
What im realizing is that the old you never really goes away, i mean i wrote about what i knew when i was a kid, and that was fairytales about princesses who didnt know they were going to worlds of candy and meeting interesting folk on the way, traveling in sneaker shaped cars and such, but now i write about what i know, and thats true friendship and comfort where I am.
I miss writing, once i get started, i can never stop. 21 is going to be an interesting year, but i think its the year i want to take to grow up. to stop leaving my room a mess every day (that aint gona happen), to work out and be healthy not to lose weight but to feel good, to go on more adventures (omg i have to post my other post - its in my drafts that just reminded me), to meet more people so i can write about it all. most of all, i wanna do something beautiful in Israel. I can't wait to post pictures and write about my adventures and post them here for you guys to see. (if there are readers.... IM LOOKING AT U SMILEENA I KNOW U READ DIS :p )
xo - jus
so,
been a while since i posted, and i keep saying at the end of my post that im going to write more, but fact of the matter is, its hard.
^ thats where i start. "its hard, i have no time". dudes, i got mad time. i watch mad netflix.
today feels different though. something about today makes me not want to sit around and be useless.
hey, i turned 21 on saturday, and it made me super happy, then pretty eh, then sad.
when i was a kid, i wrote, like i wrote stories beyond my wildest imagination. i was almost like an inventor; new ideas always cooking up in my head, trying all sorts of new and crazy things. I find that as we get older, and as we become more experienced with life, this beautiful blind optimism and innocence leaves. of course it does, because the world is an awful place with terrible humans, but when we're kids, we don't know, or we don't seem to care.
so i was thinking about what changed, what could have changed from childhood that made me so cynical, that made me not who i used to be. I mean yeah, im still me, but theres a lot missing, a lot of the beauty and quirkiness that made me.. well, me. had dissapeared. i spend so much time in my room living vicariously through the characters on my netflix binges. i cry and i laugh and i live along with them, and its beautiful, until the show ends, the credits role, and i close my computer, becoming instantaneously immersed into reality. its almost like when the sun shines in your eyes for the first time in a day, you want to put your hands over your eyes and squint, and tell someone to put the brightness away, you want to crawl back in your hole and be alone a few more minutes. well, when i realized how much this had become my life, i wanted it to stop, i still do want it to stop. I still bingewatch netflix-lets be real- i missed the old justine.
the breakup has had a tole on me man, that was my first realization, so i stopped stalking old ex's (WE ALL DO IT AFTER A BREAKUP DONT JUDGE ME) and seeing how great their lives were, and i started focusing on how great my life was, is, and will be. Yesterday, i was with my friends and one of them said that we've seen eachother so much in the past little while. Since January, I've spent so much time with my girl friends. I don't know if you know this, (maybe from old blog posts -reference "the turning point in my life" i believe- , or just me if you know me) but i was never a girly girl. I never had a lot of girl-friends, besides the odd ones, and never had that tight knit group. well i did, but they were mostly guys. still, i find myself spending more time fucking around with the guys then doing... girl things (?) with the girls. but for the last few years my life, after high school(besides the guy i was dating, cause i dont want it to come off like he was the fault of me being fucked- just self issues) our lives had all been very tough. all of us, my best friends. all in their own way needed eachother, and we started to get closer and closer. I am proud and honored to mention my three best friends jess caitie and cara. since january those girls have been my life, we see eachother at least once a week, and usually more. I love them to death, and they keep me sane.
- -- - - -- -- - side note that could be why i havent written as much, i got them :$ -
omg realization okay guys lightbulb.
I write to complain right? right.
well, most girls compalin to their friends, and i feel like now i finally have these girls and we all talk mad shit and like hate everyone but we love everyone but we just are so close its amazing, i never need to complain because i dump my shit on them, and they do the same. They will never know, ever, how much i appreciate them, and love them, no matter how many times i say it, type it, anything, it doesnt amount to half the love and respect and just compassion i have for those three girls.
What im realizing is that the old you never really goes away, i mean i wrote about what i knew when i was a kid, and that was fairytales about princesses who didnt know they were going to worlds of candy and meeting interesting folk on the way, traveling in sneaker shaped cars and such, but now i write about what i know, and thats true friendship and comfort where I am.
I miss writing, once i get started, i can never stop. 21 is going to be an interesting year, but i think its the year i want to take to grow up. to stop leaving my room a mess every day (that aint gona happen), to work out and be healthy not to lose weight but to feel good, to go on more adventures (omg i have to post my other post - its in my drafts that just reminded me), to meet more people so i can write about it all. most of all, i wanna do something beautiful in Israel. I can't wait to post pictures and write about my adventures and post them here for you guys to see. (if there are readers.... IM LOOKING AT U SMILEENA I KNOW U READ DIS :p )
xo - jus
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