two gone; fuck.

i really fucking blew it guys.
to my zero readers, i dont know what the eff to do anymore.
its so hard you know.. making friends, then keeping friends. its so hard to please everyone, and i try so hard to please everyone i dont focus a second on myself. i literally spend time and money on making people happy and what do i get back? i lose. i lost money, i lost two friends and i lost time. i wasted time on someone who didn't appreciate me.. i wasted time on someone who didnt appreciate the work i put into a night. the fucking work i put into last night man, its sad how much i over prepared.
wana know how to tell who your real friends are? throw a party. spend money on booze, see who your real damn friends are.
and me? oh no im not letting myself go without anything. because i am the worst of them all. im a bad friend to myself, and to other people. i was a bad girlfriend and friend to someone i care about. its like you want someone to be a certain way, but you can't do it yourself. i think i just have to be honest with myself and with them.. maybe thats why he lied, cause i did too. but now he wont talk to me anymore and he never wants to see me again.

one week, one week is all it took to lose two really really important people in my life. and i loved both of them. in different ways i loved them both. yes, i know "love" is a strong word and all that, but you gotta understand i did love them, i do love them. i have so much passion and care and emotions towards them, that i have no other way to explain it besides love. and this doesn't make me a slut so shut up and stop judging me. one of them helped me feel my age for a second, helped me have fun and do things i never thought i would do. that same one helped me feel a little bit sexier, prettier, more worth it. the other one helped me feel strong, mature, helped me realize that im not alone, and that he was like me, and one day id be like him (if im lucky). he made me feel like i could conquer every obstacle that came my way, and he taught me what honesty really is.
they both have their flaws, everyone does.. but they are both so so incredibly close to my heart, and whether i never talk to them again or i talk to them tomorrow, they'll always be with me in some way.

i started off writing angry, feeling sorry for myself because im clearly going through so much shit and my life is hell. but you know, i feel sorry, not for them, not for myself, but for the idea that this is how a guy and girl have to be. together or nothing. "girlfriend or nothing". i feel sorry that the idea of girls needing to please guys is so fucking important, so if the guy seems uninterested, take ur top off for him, maybe he'll like you better.
i feel sorry for myself because i know that im too much of a coward to admit im wrong... i feel sorry for myself because i can't accept that i deserve someone who will treat me well, and so i end up with people who are mean cause i think i deserve to be treated that way for what ive done. i feel sorry for myself cause deep down i think i deserve a guy who beats his girlfriend, because ive made such an ass of myself that the only real karma would be a big punch in the face, daily.

i feel sorry for humanity in a sense, cause just like my philosophy teacher always said, look at all the advanced technology and all this advancement in humanity, and then look how were using it. we take so much for granted, and i know i do too i just said before im not excluded from the bad people in the world, but really we do.

i just wish i had a rewind button, id do everything differently, starting with not talking to anyone ever, because the less i speak to people, the less i have a chance to hurt them and fuck up a relationship (whether friendship or more).

happy fathers day guys.

ps: i really do want to talk/work things out with the two people mentioned. im not naming names, but you know who you are. (yes, one of you is from the previous post)

he was right and now hes gone

maybe he'll never see this, maybe he will, but he should know he was right.

he was right, and now he is out of my life for good. forever it seems.

he believed in me, he tried to help me, and i pushed back, i said that i was done getting hurt and that i would be fine on my own without him, but im not. im not okay.

my heart? its broken into a million pieces. and you know, it wasnt because of love, this isn't a love issue with a stupid boyfriend who did something stupid.. this isnt about love, this is about people in general.

ive always been a positive person, until the big mess of being bullied, then i became a pessimist in training. slowly hating everything around me.. i used to have so much faith in people but they ruined it! people made themselves look stupid. and im embarrassed to be a part of humanity.

im embarrassed to have said and done the things i've said and done.

let me just say to him, you were right. people are dicks.

i am left here, not sure who is who in my life, not sure who to trust and who to blow off. who talks about me behind my back and who is friend enough to talk to my damn face. who really has feelings, and who fakes the emotions just cause they feel bad for me.

im left in a puddle of my own attempts for everyone to be satisfied, when I myself was dissatisfied with who i am. so i want him to know that he was right, not about everything, but about most of it.

this is a shitty blog post. so dont try to bitch me out about what i write, because if you hate it, dont read it.

good day.