The Knock on Your Door - poems by jus

Here is a poem I wrote while I was away in Israel, after meeting the soldiers.

The Knock On Your Door by: Justine Frankel

He carries his gun,
So strong and so proud,
While way back at home,
She's crying out loud.

He fights for his country,
Does what he thinks is right,
While she's awake worried,
All day and all night.

His head is now shaved,
All he hears is her voice,
Saying "Wish you didn't have to go,
I wish you had a choice".

He had said his goodbye,
Just two months ago,
And that she'd be better off,
If she just let him go.

She clings to his picture,
In her shaking hands,
He's out there somewhere,
Crawling in foreign sands.

She can't let him go,
She's under his spells,
He's running for his life,
Avoiding dropping shells.

More months go bye,
Their hearts feel sore,
All she really wants,
Is his knock on her door.

"I miss you, I need you",
She writes him that day,
He writes back "one month more,
And I'll be home to stay"

That knock on her door,
Came a day early by two,
They handed her his chains,
And a letter marked "To You"

"The decision was hard,
To leave a world that had you,
My love, we were strong,
And that will always be true.

"My country, they needed me,
But you needed me more,
I'm sorry I'm not there,
To knock on your door.

"I thought about you each day,
Dream't about you each night,
But it had been time,
To make my final plight.

"So wipe off those tears,
Please baby, don't cry,
From your fallen soldier,
I love you, goodbye".

a world's away

So, about two weeks ago, I got back from the greatest place I've ever been. I went on a taglit birthright experience, and I got to see Israel from a point of view that I don't think a lot of people would understand. We took hikes, but it wasnt all sweat and nice views, we learnt about the people who've walked these woods, these paths, before us, thousands of years ago. We learnt about war and peace and love and hate. About people coming together, and people ripping apart.

while I was away, I wrote every day, multiple times a day, about my experiences, about things we just did and are going to do. I wrote a lot about the wonderful people I met, and the experiences I got to live. The part that inspired me the most was my Mifgash (hebrew word for Encounter) with the Israeli youth in the army.

If you didn't know this, at 18 years old, Israeli's are enlisted in the IDF and have to serve their country. Boys for three years, and girls for two (and i emphasize BOYS & GIRLS not MEN & WOMEN cause they are so young). They undergo certain tests to place them in a good spot or something suited for them, and then they have training, and service. To me, as noble as it is, Its gotta be damn scary. When I was 18, I was smoking weed and skipping class, and they, they don't have those choices.

In the IDF, you have a lot of strict rules. For men, if your beard isn't for a religious or medical (?) condition, you cannot keep it long. If you put two fingers together around the base of your hair and its longer than your fingers, gotta cut your hair. you have to keep a dogtag in your boot and on you at all times. and thats just what i've learnt, there are so many more. For women? Hair always tied up and out of face, nail polish ONLY if its light light pink or white, no makeup, no jewlery. Nobody can bring their phones to work and have to be careful, no drinking or smoking, or else military prison (and your time in prison isnt a part of your service, so you still have to complete the time you spent in prison, in the military). If you even hold hands, you can get in a lot of trouble.

Theres just an explanation of what I know, so far... And the crazy thing is? when we first started talking, we as a group were all uneasy and felt a little odd, but honestly as soon as they changed out of their uniforms, we almost didn't recognize them as soldiers, they dressed and acted just like us, a bunch of savages (in a good way), fun to be around, to party with, jam with, hangout and talk with. The relationships we formed with these young soldiers are unbreakable. They literally, are, just, like, us. Most of them were even younger than I was, although I believe two of them were my age.

learning about their experiences and jobs (well, what they can tell us) is amazing. they make terrrrribleeeee wage, like equivalent to 300 or 400$ canadian a month. But they all do it together, and they serve their country together. What surprised me the MOST, was the first day we met them, we asked all of them "when is your service done, and are you excited to be done?" and they ALLLLL said YESSSS. they all can't wait to be done with the army. One of them even hated the army, hated the wars and the killing. She couldn't stand her job, and how it was taken so lightly. But its true, its scary. You never know when something bad could happen when you're surrounded by countries that hate you and each other.

We got five days with them, aand thats all it took, we all fell in love with the soldiers because of how great they were. All super nice, super fun and have a lot of the same interests. I got to know two a lot better than the other six, and I gotta say, I don't ever want that relationship to end. They are beautiful people, inside and ESPECIALLY OUTSIDE HOT DAMN ISRAELI'S ARE HOT (sry hahaha). I'm just lucky to have met them. They changed my perspective on how israelis are and how soldiers are, how we all assumed they would be aggressive and angry-ish and strong willed, they'd be more serious or more cheesy, when they were just like us. I wonder what they thought of Canadians before meeting us, probably nothing, its only the canadians and americans who expect worse of everyone they meet :p

One thing that I deemed really important though, its our Medic (wont mention names), he spoke to the group after the Israelis left us. He was a little peeved because the way THOSE soldiers spoke about it, it seemed like all the soldiers are mad that they're in the army, and resent the rule that they had to be, and cant wait to leave and such. He wanted us to know (he had been in the army- in special forces - fucking badassssss) that not everyone feels the same. He was excited and felt proud to be enlisted in the IDF, and he, along with many others, didn't leave after his service was finished. Sometimes you gain a sort of nobility and pride in what you do, and he was so proud to serve, and he knew he could leave when he wanted, but he felt that wasn't right to do, nor did he want to do it. Which brings up a good point, that not everyone feels it's "forced" upon them, more that its an honor they get to receive.

Another little anecdote is one of the soldiers that I got close to, we were walking together the last day we'd get to spend together, and I was feeling very sad that they were leaving the next day. And I asked him are you sad to be leaving us? did you have fun on your taglit trip? all that stuff, and he loved the group and had an amazing time, but he was half looking forward to going back, because he felt a guilt for leaving his base and his fellow soldiers. could you believe that? after like a year of service, they give this guy pretty much five days off (they only get 15 days off in the year) to hangout, meet new people, learn about a new culture, and he took it (of course) but he felt bad. He knew there were things going on that he could be helping with, but instead he was here enjoying himself. That has gotta be heavy on the heart, feeeling guilty cause you're having fun and your mates aren't.

All in all, I'll keep writing about my experiences as I re-read my travel journal, but this was one I needed to write about, maybe because I felt so strongly, or maybe because I just wanted to share and bring awareness to anyone who reads this particular post. but it was important to me to say it. and next up, I wrote a poem while i was away, and I wanted to share it with you guys; so i'll write it up in my next post. :) xo

Abandoned Life

I wrote this last week, but forgot to post it. I had been out with my friend and went exploring in random abandoned buildings. I wrote this while on the roof of one of them, looking at downtown montreal lights from above.


don't know if i could die out here.
im terrified, i can barely type. im shaking no no seriously im shaking.
i lost count after 10 stories, didn't want to count anymore. this is my first time exploring buildings, and im terrified. we had to run, hide, wear dark clothes.. caught by security can result in arrest. so we get here and were running low and im already like wtf get me out of here, and my friend tells me to put on my gloves and mask, cause the rust is narsty hard to breath in there and yeah. so were sneaking and climbing through shit, and we get inside. turn on flashlights, you hear nothing but the sound of heavy breathing (me), and footsteps (us) inside. were dead silent. rusty stairs made me cry haha. now that i think about that im laughing. i was sure the entire place would break down and we'd die, so i cried a lot on the way up, had a few episodes of "NOPE NOPE NOT GOING ANYMORE". my poor friend will never do this with me again, but its my first time so give me a break dudes. So finally on the last floor and i just cant anymore i sit there and say no you go on the roof ill wait here, ill wait here. my friend goes, and comes back and is like dude u have to come dont say you came all the way up scared as shit wont even go on the roof? and i was like nahh g nahh cant cant cant. but finally he made me do it, and here i am! :O so. worth. it. thats all i have to say. im jsut up here and im thinking wow dude, this is something i would NEVER do. justine frankel, in a situation she would never ever do. my friend the previous day said to me "how do you feel about the idea that you can get seriously injured or even die, thats the worst that can happen" and i was like "fuck yeah bring it on" and guess what? i did it. i feared for my life at a few points, had to be super careful of where i was standing and stuff, had to inch a bit and almost even fell, but i wasnt an idiot, and i wasnt drunk, so i was good. Its beautiful up here, and i feel triumphant. i feel like i havent ever felt. this is amazing. im taking picutres when im done writing, im gona lay here and stare at stars, or just scream (nah i cant or security will see us). yeah, so anyways. i just thought writing this needed to happen, because when i look back, i need to know i documented how i feel right now in this moment, total peace jus. nirvana is the roof of this building thats about to fall apart. that i could fall off of at any moment if i just leaned a little too much forward. the skyline is beautiful, the world, its just wow, beautiful. and sometimes you just need to see a different angle, to realize how petty everything else is. just like how i felt in europe, how i'll feel in israel, and how i feel right now. i god damn love this planet. i hope you all get to experience this one day. its absolutely perfect. im in pain and im scared and i had to go through gross shit to get here, but its all worth it. and now ill have to travel down haha didnt even think of that. ahh well, i did one way, i can certainly do the other. stay sweet! xx

Forgive Me If Im Wrong - poems by jus

When we were young,
Just barely two,
The teachers taught us,
What we should do.

When we do something hurtful,
Or make someone real sad,
If we don't appologie,
it makes them feel bad.

We were always taught,
That we shouldnt be mean,
But if we are, we appologize,
makes a messy sitch clean.

But we face everyday,
One that feels no remorse,
Who will say all the worst things,
And wont run off course.

They judge you everyday,
Make your world appear small,
If only this mean voice,
would say nothing at all.

They tell you what you cant do,
and laugh at what you can,
They know everything about you,
And their you're least favorite fan.

You know who I speak of,
That great enemy,
Who judges you the worst,
And you wish to be free.

The enemy lives inside,
each of us every day.
we are our own worst crittict,
is what my mom used to say.

So we can forgive the kids,
Who called us names in the snow,
But whos the worst to us all?
Look in a mirror, you'll know.

How can we learn to say sorry,
To who treats us the worst,
We know ourselves much too well,
Its a gift and a curse.

We look at ourselves in bad light,
We treat our bodies the same,
As if this precious life,
Is just one big long game.

When it comes to the end,
When everyone goes,
The only way to find happiness,
Is right under your nose

If we learn to say sorry,
For when we called ourselves wrong,
For the 'your fat, ugly, and stupid'
For when lost our own song.

When we can finally say sorry,

For the harm that we brought,

We'll be able to find,

The peace of mind that we sought.

Love yourself and your flaws,

It'll go the extra mile,

And remember, never frown,

Cause someone loves when you smile.

21

smileena, this is for you, so thankful that you care about my writing and look forward to my posts, mad love to you girl, you keep me young xoxox-

so,
been a while since i posted, and i keep saying at the end of my post that im going to write more, but fact of the matter is, its hard.
^ thats where i start. "its hard, i have no time". dudes, i got mad time. i watch mad netflix.
today feels different though. something about today makes me not want to sit around and be useless.

hey, i turned 21 on saturday, and it made me super happy, then pretty eh, then sad.
when i was a kid, i wrote, like i wrote stories beyond my wildest imagination. i was almost like an inventor; new ideas always cooking up in my head, trying all sorts of new and crazy things. I find that as we get older, and as we become more experienced with life, this beautiful blind optimism and innocence leaves. of course it does, because the world is an awful place with terrible humans, but when we're kids, we don't know, or we don't seem to care.

so i was thinking about what changed, what could have changed from childhood that made me so cynical, that made me not who i used to be. I mean yeah, im still me, but theres a lot missing, a lot of the beauty and quirkiness that made me.. well, me. had dissapeared. i spend so much time in my room living vicariously through the characters on my netflix binges. i cry and i laugh and i live along with them, and its beautiful, until the show ends, the credits role, and i close my computer, becoming instantaneously immersed into reality. its almost like when the sun shines in your eyes for the first time in a day, you want to put your hands over your eyes and squint, and tell someone to put the brightness away, you want to crawl back in your hole and be alone a few more minutes. well, when i realized how much this had become my life, i wanted it to stop, i still do want it to stop. I still bingewatch netflix-lets be real- i missed the old justine.

the breakup has had a tole on me man, that was my first realization, so i stopped stalking old ex's (WE ALL DO IT AFTER A BREAKUP DONT JUDGE ME) and seeing how great their lives were, and i started focusing on how great my life was, is, and will be. Yesterday, i was with my friends and one of them said that we've seen eachother so much in the past little while. Since January, I've spent so much time with my girl friends. I don't know if you know this, (maybe from old blog posts -reference "the turning point in my life" i believe- , or just me if you know me) but i was never a girly girl. I never had a lot of girl-friends, besides the odd ones, and never had that tight knit group. well i did, but they were mostly guys. still, i find myself spending more time fucking around with the guys then doing... girl things (?) with the girls. but for the last few years my life, after high school(besides the guy i was dating, cause i dont want it to come off like he was the fault of me being fucked- just self issues) our lives had all been very tough. all of us, my best friends. all in their own way needed eachother, and we started to get closer and closer. I am proud and honored to mention my three best friends jess caitie and cara. since january those girls have been my life, we see eachother at least once a week, and usually more. I love them to death, and they keep me sane.
   - -- - - --  -- -  side note that could be why i havent written as much, i got them :$ -
omg realization okay guys lightbulb.

I write to complain right? right.
well, most girls compalin to their friends, and i feel like now i finally have these girls and we all talk mad shit and like hate everyone but we love everyone but we just are so close its amazing, i never need to complain because i dump my shit on them, and they do the same. They will never know, ever, how much i appreciate them, and love them, no matter how many times i say it, type it, anything, it doesnt amount to half the love and respect and just compassion i have for those three girls.

What im realizing is that the old you never really goes away, i mean i wrote about what i knew when i was a kid, and that was fairytales about princesses who didnt know they were going to worlds of candy and meeting interesting folk on the way, traveling in sneaker shaped cars and such, but now i write about what i know, and thats true friendship and comfort where I am.

I miss writing, once i get started, i can never stop. 21 is going to be an interesting year, but i think its the year i want to take to grow up. to stop leaving my room a mess every day (that aint gona happen), to work out and be healthy not to lose weight but to feel good, to go on more adventures (omg i have to post my other post - its in my drafts that just reminded me), to meet more people so i can write about it all. most of all, i wanna do something beautiful in Israel. I can't wait to post pictures and write about my adventures and post them here for you guys to see. (if there are readers.... IM LOOKING AT U SMILEENA I KNOW U READ DIS :p )

xo - jus

Diary Of A Fat Girl - unhappy days

- the weight went up -
i had officially gotten down 20 pounds, to 165. and then i went back up. i was away from the house for two weeks, not eating so well, and not working out at all. im not very happy to be honest. this means a lot a lot a lot of work. im at 172, but im on my period so i am bloated. doesn't matter, i've got to do this. i've decided that for the rest of the week, no carbs, until friday night when we go out for my mums bday supper; then i can eat whatever is being served, but for the rest of the week no carbs.
i needed to write it down here, so that i can hold myself accountable next week. i'm gona come back to writing each week on my progress, that seemed to have helped. I'm not happy with my lack of progress, but I know I am slowly getting there. time to go big or go home. so this week i need to double down on working out, which proves to be a bust so far because everyone is always in the basement. im hoping i can un-lazy myself and wake up early tomorrow morning to workout... i doubt i will. i'm hoping soon my sister will be out of the basement... i wont go to sleep tonight without working out thats a promise to myself that i'm making.
i appologize for the lack of organization on this post, im honestly having a BLEH evening, and feel very melancholy and lifeless. usually i have a better more fun emotion towards the day, but it seems tonight is a more relaxed and quiet time for myself, thats okay though i don't



uhh guys i wrote this like two weeks ago and never posted it so wooooops here

My Daily Routine - poemsbyjus

sorry its only been poems lately, my inspiration is all over the place, i miss someone dearly and it hurts my heart, so all i can write is poetry... xo

when im feeling down,
because i don't have you,
i think about what i miss,
and heres what i do:
                                       
when i wake up in the morning,
i wish to see your face,
it would make my world,
a much better place.

when i cook myself food,
i miss your big smile,
saying "oh you're so good to me"   
haven't heard that in a while.   

when im at school,
i miss your big brain,
youd always teach me new things,
an intellectual gain.

when i go out with friends,
i miss holding your hand,
when youd show me off,
like your favorite brand.

when i lay awake at night,
i miss when we talked,
wed spend hours together,
we were sealed with a lock

when i sleep and i dream,
you come back to me,
and just to be together,
wed run away, yes we'd flee.

when i wake up in the morning,
the routine will re-start,
i think about you all day,
wishing youd never depart.

and thats pretty much it,
as if from a movie, a scene,
just like a broken record,
you're my daily routine.

Ode To Mother Earth - poem by jus

Dear world, my name is Justine.

I stand before you, asking you,
begging you, to teach me, how to be.

I stand before your oceans,
hoping they will teach me how to go with the flow, and rest calmly.
hoping they can teach me how to reach other people from different places

I sit before your flowers,
praying they can teach me how to open up and blossom
praying i can learn how to push through to create something beautiful.

I sit before your grass,
praying it can teach me how to push through,
praying that after every winter they can teach me not to give up.

I stand before you your trees,
hoping they will teach me how to stand tall
praying they can teach me how to hold my ground.

I stare at all your roots,
wishing they would teach me to find mine,
believing they can teach me to be strong and unbreakable.

I stand on your mountain tops,
believing that the avalanches will teach me,
teach me how to let go.

I embrace in your warmth,
hoping it can teach me how to be compassionate,
hoping it can teach me how to love.

I stand before your eagles,
hoping they can teach me how to soar,
praying they can teach me to leave the bad behind you.

I watch before your sunsets,
wishing they would teach me how to show myself to the world,
believing they can teach me how to be big.

I sit before your caves,
hoping they can teach me how to see beauty in the dark.

I stand before you, world, planet earth,
hoping you can teach me how to be,

believing you can teach me how to be full of life.

I am here yet I know of nothing,
but you can teach me.

its just another day - poem

theres a man on a bench,
and hes holding a wrench,
i asked him what for,
but he was not so sure.
but he wouldnt let go,
not even to show, 
so we went for a walk,
and we started to talk.
he once had a wife,                
and a very nice life.
two kids and a dog,
a mouse and a frog.
but he left for another,
when she slept with his brother.
she left with it all,
and she made him feel small.
so he tried to find love,
with the man up above.
to give him some where,
to put all his care.
i loved meeting him,
so i went out on a limb,
i asked him his name,        
and if i wouldnt have came,
would he still have walked?
would he still have talked?
i wanted to know why,
who was this wrench guy?
but instead im sitting here,
always unclear,
on the other side of the street,
destined to never meet,
so i made up a tale,
about the man who sits stale,   
im looking from my bench,
at the man with the wrench,
unsure what to say,
because its just another day.

short poems by jus - volume one

heres a couple short poems of mine ;P

#1
i am who i am 
and i dont want to change, 
cause what fun is yourself 
when you've got to act strange, 
too many people act different,
to be someone new, 
and the people who matter, 
they love you for YOU.

#2
i am walking on fire
and i dont even care,
ill continue to do it
if i know you'll be there,
the flames they engulf me 
from my toes to my hair,
but if you're where im headed
i'll walk anywhere.

the music

but no matter what problems we face in the world, the music is always there, as a constant, telling you the world isn't such a bad place when we got a good beat to tap our foot to.



just a thought i had today that i wanted to share.

Diary of a Fat Girl; the new year

current weight: higher than it should be.
i gained back a lot of the weight i lost. i was afraid this would happen, but i hoped it wouldn't. i basically worked really hard for three weeks, and then took two weeks "vacation" from working hard, and went right back to square 1. Well, new year new me right?! RIGHT!
So today started with 40 minutes of cardio. yeah yeah not a lot but its the best i can do for this moment. I'm forsure going to do more before I sleep tonight though. Since im back home, m baack to writing down everything I eat, back on my medication, plus starting tomorrow im going to try (for just a week) a dietary supplement called Garcinia Cambogia; seems to be some sort of a fruit extract with an acid in it that can help get rid of some of the fatties in my food when i eat it or some crap idk i see shit for it online now im just trying it out for fun and cause its free.
my goal is going to be a minimum of 10 pounds a month to lose by may. Hopefully, I'll be down more than that per month, considering i've proven the ability to lose 5 lbs a week... but i mean look before the holidays i really barely ate and it helped me lose a lot, now i want to eat a regular 3 meals a day or 5 small meals or whatever i decide on my meal plan, with the working out at leaaaassstttt 5 days a week but hopefully more, i don't see why I can't lose at least 10 pounds a month.
for me right now its more about looking good than the number. I know i keep tabs on my number but I really don't care how much i weigh, i just care about how i look.. and right now im not happy with how i look, so im trying to change that, and i want to change it as fast as i can, so i can be happier sooner... if that makes sense. keeping off the weight is going to be hard, but in order to keep it off i gotta actually TAKE it off, so thats how we got here.

Its funny how i started off being so sure of how precise and how disciplined i'd be with writing and with the workout and that one food and workout goal a week and stuff.... it doesn't ever really work the way we think it will i guess. i started off wanting to be in a new bikini posting a picture of me out in the snow with no care in the world just boasting about how i made so much progress that im ready for bikini season before i need to be; but now i went more realistic and said i want to be able to wear a tight dress for my birthday, without a belly bump, without feeling icky and fat, just to wear it because it fits and looks banging and because i can. i think that should be realistic if i stick to my routines and i work hard. now this semester is going to be a hard one. im glad i'll have my blog to write in when i need to. four university classes, hopefully a new job cause bitch gotta pay them bills, and then this weight loss. i just want this to be a constant, through the school and the crap, i can always come home and work out and feel like i did something good that day, even if everything else went wrong. that makes sense right? well yeah, thats that. :p

annyhow, i'll post the "number" of my weight when im back at 167 where i was when vacation started . xoxo