Wednesday, February 22, 2012

the turning point in my life (inspired by another bloggers post)

I know i just posted like ten seconds ago, but i was looking at the blogs im following, and one is my boyfriend, max's, blog. he had a new post so i decided to read it, and i've got to say, it really inspired me.
he wrote about the turning point in his life, and how he picked up a rock and does that for each moment something big happens, and how it can change your life forever. click to read the post that inspired me
After reading this, I realized that whenever something big happens in my life, i write about it. and its always there for me just to look at.

Until today, i never really considered myself a full out writer because i don't even know what it means to be a writer. i mean i know you have to write, you have to love to write, but do you need to be published? do you need to write articles and books and be in writing clubs and know every essay format and be the greatest speller in the world? i never knew what a writer was. today, i know what a writer is, and ironically enough, i don't have the right words to describe that feeling.

I write letter to myself, letters to other people, letters to people who i've made up, and letters that made up people write to me. I've written short stories, ive written little bits of stories that i can't seem to finish, i've written countless essays and responses, analytical papers, and plenty more. i've had at least 10 diaries in my life, and i've even written terrible poetry that i'll never show anyone because its about a crush i had in grade 6.

Anyways, if i were to tell you guys the turning point in my life, i wouldnt be able to say just one. there are so many moments that could have changed my entire life, even the littlest thing could have changed everything. i think one of the biggest moments in my life was the day i chose who i wanted to be.. ill explain a little more.

I had always had role models, some older and some my own age, and in grade six i had this role model (who i will not name) and i wanted to be her, she was funny and pretty and cool and everyone liked her and i'd always admired her. the thing is, throughout peoples lives, they change, and they all make the decision that i made that day. she had become a bit more "mainstream" and she was wearing more pink and more designer, she started getting into fashion and becoming more liking of guys and all that, and of course as the little creepy person i was, i followed. I started dressing and acting different, and i started becoming such a girly girl jewish little princess. One day, i looked at myself and even though i was young, i knew there was something wrong with how i looked, how i spoke and how i felt.

I knew i wasn't being myself, but as a younger girl, i didn't realize this was me, trying to fit in. I remember i didn't like that i wasn't being myself, even though some people were liking me better. I decided that day , the decision that has haunted me since then, that i wasn't going to judge people, that i was going to be accepting and i was going to be myself, and id never sell myself out to fit in, and i would never be someone im not, cause i was so uncomfortable with it. i didn't know there would be a consequence to this decision.. and suddenly, i was weird, i was different and strange, and i didn't belong.

That was the biggest decision i think ive ever had to make, and all through highschool i went from loving it to regretting it to loving it, and to this day, i still don't know whether i like it or not. But i'm quite glad that I am the way I am, and I don't think i would have been able to go through fitting in with the people that i so desperately wanted to run away from every time i saw them. today, i regretted that decision so much. i had a bad day, and i wished that i just sucked it up and fit in, but i didn't, so ya.

Also, if i never made that decision, i wouldn't know as much as i do now about myself, i'd have fake friends, and a fake personality. I would have never met the people I did, especially my boyfriend max. Imagine i was a jap? he would have never liked me, and i would have liked him so much, because i know myself, and he would have seen the fake version of me, and probably wouldn't have liked it, along with all the people im friends with now, none of them would have liked the fake me.

I guess all im saying is that this was the turning point in my life, oh and also, im extremely jealous of max.
why am i jealous? because my goal in life is to inspire one person, at least just one person read something i say and have it effect them in some sort of positive way, and he's only on his like fourth post, and i've never felt so hit with muse and inspiration.. I literally am sitting here and i have to pee so badly, but after i read his entry, its like something stopped me from doing anything but writing.

so thats that, and theres much more to come because if i know myself well enough, something will hit me friday, and i'll have to write about him.. (friday is six months since the day i met max. shush don't judge me)

hope you guys find inspiration everywhere you look,
much love,
jus

my philosophy essay

brace yourselves people, this is a long post. i really liked my essay for my philosophy class, so im going to post it, and please email or comment and let me know what you think. if your going to criticize, make it constructive and don't just be an asshole. here it is :)


A Popularity Contest for the Ages
     When one uses the word culture, many things come to mind: television, advertisements, clothes, attitude, education and beliefs. However, how one person may perceive a cultural amenity they consume or enjoy may not be perceived the same way by those around them who might come to a different conclusion about its cultural value and status. By considering the content of the cultural products they consume, who the consumers are and the effect the consuming has on them, the difference between high and low culture will be explored.

     One of the major differences between high and popular/low/mass culture is the content of products consumed and the perception of the consumers whether they are "easy" or "hard". When looking at a product of any kind, when the consumer feels challenged by it, when the product seems tough to understand, or full of beneficial information, or perceived as classy and expensive, it is seen as very high cultured. On the other hand, when a product appears easier to understand, or less expensive, and without apparent moral benefits, it is looked at as just a more low cultured product. For example, when referring to movies, one who imagines themselves "high cultured" would rather watch a documentary or a very serious movie, such as a drama, as opposed to someone who might be perceived as "low culture" who would choose to watch a comedy. The documentary or drama is filled with all of this "brain food" and keeps the consumer thinking, but they imagine it is worth it because they will walk out feeling smarter than they did before; as opposed to the comedy, filled with humour and silliness, not requiring the consumer to think at all, and one will walk out feeling entertained but not at all any smarter than the moment they walked in because that was not their intent. Interestingly enough, the factor of time can make the perception of a product's cultural status, going from low to high. A great example of this is The Beatles who when they first appeared were seen as uncultured, an immoral mop-headed quartet because of their mass popularity and their music was seen as rebellious towards the more classic tunes of that era. Looking back now and considering the relatively innocent lyrics and use of innuendo, and knowing how outwardly sexual lyrics are in contemporary music, listening to them is thought of as very high culture. They have become old news, and compared to today's musicians, who have mass popularity, they are what people call classic. The content does not change but the perceptions of the content over time have evolved and categorized them as high or low.

     Another factor of high culture clashing with low culture is the people who consume the products. Based on content, we can see if the product itself is believed to be high or low culture, which directs you right to the people who consume them. For example, at John Abbott College, there were tickets to the opera available, and the price for people under 18 was free, whereas tickets to see the Vagina Monologues the tickets were $15. This shows how anyone over 18, thus considered adult, would pay to see the opera, because it is a product perceived as being of higher and older culture, and the opera is imagined as "good for you". This is different from the lower youth culture who wouldn't pay to see an opera because there is no perceived entertainment attached to it but when the school offered tickets to Vagina Monologues, it appealed greatly to youths because of raging hormones and sexuality, so they would pay the money to see something that has to do with sex. Another instance is when one turns on the television and sees that the news is on, but so is a hit new reality show where a group of young Italians live together and party day after day. The uneducated and ignorant culture, the popular culture, will go straight to the reality show (Jersey Shore), while the educated and not as easily manipulated higher cultured will watch the news because they believe it will better themselves to know more about the world around them. Though the people consume different products based on their own sense of taste, they might not realize how they are culturally perceived as a result.

     Finally, and maybe most importantly, the biggest contrasts between high and popular culture are seen in the effects it has on the consumers. When one person decides to go to the mall and is walking around looking for a store in which to buy clothing, if they stop at some place like Forever 21 or H&M and they buy the newest "in fashion" jeans and top, even if they don't like it that much, the effect it has on them is that they are looked at as part of the popular culture, because everyone is wearing those clothes. However if that same person decides instead to go into a Hugo Boss or a Zara store to buy a nice set of clothing for a higher price, the effect on them is that they are seen as being of a higher culture, because they went to get something fancier and more expensive which then makes them be perceived as somewhat superior. Not only are they classified into higher and lower culture for what they dress like, but they are judged accordingly. If one has their hair dyed blue they are immediately lower culture, even if they are interested in the opera. Interestingly enough, no matter how high cultured someone is, if they like one thing low culture, then they are automatically perceived as low culture, but it's almost not allowed to be the other way around. Once low culture is connected to you, the effect is permanent and it is difficult to undo.

     Whether one consumes a cultural product with an intention in mind or not does not change the fact that one is not in control of how that is perceived by others. Therefore, high and low culture is a matter of perception for each individual to come up with on their own. Before one chooses to consume a product, the cultural classification may already be attached to it because of the people who consume it, such as the example of all Jewish people loving bagels. Now, societies are comparing themselves to other societies, to see who the higher cultured population is. Forget about thinking that popularity contests were for high school kids; how far would a whole country go to make themselves seem the highest in culture?

hope you enjoyed it!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

school troubles - learning center

im dying. philosophy is so hard its crazy, english has come to being crazy weird and confusing, and my popular music class is easy, but the book isnt a good read. SOOOO, im dying.
im not literally dying, cause im not going to fail, like theres no way in hell i will, for more than one reason
1. i have an AMAZING tutor for philosophy, whos helping me so much with my essay
2. i cant fail, im not allowed to fail, and i wont let myself fail.

so i wanna tell you about this tutor. i know this sounds weird but i feel like i can't just keep this secret to myself. I don't know where anyone goes for college, but if you end up at John Abbott like me, (and anywhere else because i know every place must have this) you should go to the Learning Center at LEAST once. honestly, i didn't want to go cause im not "stupid" persay, and i didn't want to be babied into understanding something, cause i have "pride" or whatever.
when i finally sucked up my pride because of the 1000 word essay i have to write thats due wednesday, i went to the learning center and said i really need a meeting for this essay. I ended up meeting up with this tutor twice, and to be honest, ive got almost the entire essay done, and i have a couple more meetings set up with this tutor.

honestly, asking for help sucks. especially when you're trying to become someone who helps other people, i hate admitting im wrong because im stubborn and i don't like saying i need help because i want to be able to do things on my own. but at this place, he literally made me do it on my own. he guided me and sooner than later i was just chatting away and had all of these ideas i didnt even know i could come up with.

so, for philosophy, ive got my tutor. for english, fuck english man :p no i love english, and i love my teacher, but she said she would help me and i havnt heard from her, so either ill talk to her in class, or shell answer back by message. and for music, i have a study date with my friend erica next weekend we're going to read all the chapters we're missing, which is like probably chapter 1 to chapter 5 or something. we'll see how it goes, im sure itll be great.

i don't have much else to say, but i wanted to definately write about how things went from bad to better all thanks to me actually giving myself over and saying i needed help.
it sucks to have to suck up and ask, but asking questions is much better than not knowing anything at all, trust me, i feel so much better about school and everything.

thats about all,
and btw, im going to try and write more, and if you ever want to comment, please feel free to comment, or email (justineerinfrankel@hotmail.com) and to subscribe to my blog. i'd love to know more people are reading it, even if they tell me anonymously, because it'll make me want to write more if i know that people actually want to read it :p

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :)

Saturday, February 18, 2012

shut up and smile

im sitting here today, and im not in a great mood, im feeling pretty unconfident and shitty, and i just want to sleep you know? but my mom came to me and read this whole thing, and it sounded like a sixteen year olds writing, and it had my moms signature about a hundred times written on the back in different ways, and from seeing that I realized she had written it when she was younger, and it was a paper, for school i assume, just describing herself positively. When she finnished, she said "If I hadn't said it was mine, you'd think id be describing you" and that really made me think. BUT, i dont want to go off on some rant about how great I am, cause I know i'd be lying. but i think i wanna just say a few things i like about myself, because maybe its things that nobody else see's in me, but I see in myself, that i want to let out.

Firstly, appearance wise, I love my nose, i think its adorable. I like my eyes a lot, and i think my ears are a little big, but my earlobes are nice. I also like my neckline, and i think i have a nice chest, but im not going to go into detail about that. I like the way my shoulders look and the way the back of my neck leads to my back. I like my feet, but nobody elses!

Secondly, my personality. I think im hilarious, but nobody laughs at my jokes. I think im really generous and kind, but only to people who i believe deserves it. I think im like everybody else when it comes to wanting to fit in with their own crowd, but i refuse to sell myself out to hangout with certain people. I think im accepting of difference and i know im judgemental at first, but i believe i can be friends with anyone. I think im sweet and loving, and id give the shirt off my back for someone who needed it. Im ignorant, and sometimes i dont mind it, because the truths of the world would scare me too much.
And lastly, I think im talented. To some extent, im a horrible writer because I am hopeless with writing stories, articles are the death of me, but i can write an essay about something i understand, and i think i can blog, but maybe im crazy.

Its really hard to smile, when there is so much bad around me. yea, my parents have money, ive got a family that sticks together, i go on vacation and im in school and im not THAT dumb, but everyone has a story to tell, an unhappy one, and a happy one; and its hard to sit there and be a part of life with a smile on your face where there is so much to be sad about. You can't tell someone to focus on the happiness, because sometimes it feels like there is none, but you can try. I know it sounds ridiculous, even as writing this im saying i sound stupid and i should take my own advice, but im sitting here, thinking what the hell am I doing right now, and saying there must be something better than this, and im going to find out what that is.

Roussau once said "Man is born free, and forever he is in chains". Well, its the truth. feeling imprisoned in life is what life is about, we have al these laws and all these terrors in life, so how do we smile at those terrible times? my answer to that is simple, but crazy. JUST SMILE. dont overthink why you should smile, and what you should be happy about, just friggen do it! wish you were happy? then BE happy. you don't need a reason to smile, and yea you might look stupid, but you wont feel that way.
Last week, i promised myself I would tell myself out loud that i was beautiful every day, because when i said it in the mirror, i felt it. and guess what? I didn't do it, and the more i looked at myself and didnt say it, the less i felt it. and today, i told myself to be happy, and guess what? for no real reason, I became happier.

Happiness is just a feeling, don't overthink it and feel stupid about feeling it. Being happy is much easier than being sad. And while writing this blog, I went from sad to happy in just a few minutes.

love always,
Justine

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

radio show

sup "many" readers?
so interestingly enough, two new things are in the air:

firstly, im officially part of my schools radio. because in case at 10:00 to 11:30 AM on fridays people really wanna hear my voice, we'll there is their chance.
im actually pretty pumped for it because its going to be something totally out of my norm and something i usually wouldnt ever do. also, itll give me a chance to try out something that i used to always want to do. my only issue is that im going to be alone for the show, which is going to be boring because its boring sitting in a room alone, besides the fact that ill be listening to music.
i came up with a theme for my little show that ill do once a week, i want to find all the artists that have been born and passed away in the week prior to my show, and on my show mention them and then play their music. thats pretty original, right? well, thats life if its uncool. if you dont wanna hear it, dont be in the agora or munch box from ten to eleven thirty on friday mornings.

secondly, im finally understanding philosophy, and its REALLY freaking me out.
i mean, did you guys know that the whole H1N1 thing was a whole big scam? YEA! it was just a bunch of people in one place that got experimented on and shit went awry and they got sick, and the pharmacies thought this shit would go ROUND, so they made like tons of vaccinations, and then when it died out like really recently after, they had all these vaccinations, so they just decided to tell us we would die and junk, and made everyone take the damn shot.. i mean more people die from the common flu than the people who have died from the H1N1 disease.
oh and something else interesting? you know how we eat a lot of food and shit? well from all the cows comes tons of meat, and when less people eat meat, all the surplus of meat makes it easy to make meat cheap, cause theres so much of it, but then, all the fucking animals that get all drugged up and messed up for our food, get just disposed of, because farmers wanna make food cost lots. THEY JUST THROW OUT THE ANIMALS THEY TORTURE, SO THEY CAN KEEP THE PRICES HIGH.
people are fucked up, but speaking of eating animals, its dinner time and im famished.

from the desk itself,
jus

Friday, February 10, 2012

i wore a tux to my dream wedding

So I'm sitting in the GALA room (gay and lesbian association),and I really really love it here. I love that nobody judges anyone on what they like or how they feel or what they do; its just who they are that matters. Buuuuttt, this isn't what I'm writing about.

You know me, I get bothered by everything, and thats why I have a blog right? well, something else got to me a little, and I'm going to write about it :)

So in philosophy, we spoke about the way we were brought up culturally and how we have to do certain things because of what we look like basically. And our main thing was clothing with gender.
AAANNNNYYWAYYYSSS, In school, they're having a "Miss John Abbott" Pageant, where guys dress as chicks and we get to look at it and laugh until we piss our pants at how weird everyone looks.

For some reason (maybe cause im a psycho), this kind of bothers me. Why is it so entertaining to see a guy wearing a dress? Because dresses are for girls! BUUUUTTT, who decided that? Who decided that girls wear skirts and dresses and belly tops and headbands with little hearts and butterflies?
It angers me because we are basically devided in the simplest way, just because our gender, we have to dress differently. And of course, if we see a guy wearing a dress, hes clearly some "fag drag queen" that is inferior to us because he decided he wanted to look different.
Now, I dontwant to go preaching that we should celebrate differences and were all the same on the inside and akk that jazz, because that wont change anything, and neither will what I feel; but I do want to just talk about how I think the decision of this gender split with clothing is just so ridiculous.

And for me to say that, someone who strongly believes a woman SHOULDNT be president, is a big thing. I want to promote equality for what we dress like, not what we do. When we walk into a store, we are imediately split up from the other gender because they aren't selling at all the same things in both sections. I find that completely unnatural and unfair.

I just think that getting entertained by people dressing differently is totally the opposite of what people have always promoted. If we celebrate difference and people being who they are and all that crap, then doing this stupid event is basically making fun of the people who dress that way for FUN. I mean its a bunch of big guys, probably jocks and assholes who think their HILLARIOUS, dressing as chicks to make fun of females. And imagine the people who actually are guys who dress as women because that's what makes them happy? Are they allowed to join?

Clothing does not have a gender, it is a peice of cloth that has been manifactured into a style and a colour and a look that someone puts on their bodies to cover up their "private parts".

so thats all i gotta say. pce. :)