If I could go back in time, what would I do?
I would talk to the young version of myself, but what would I say?
I would tell myself that I am perfect the way I am, and not to let anyone tell me otherwise.
I would warn myself that people will one day tell me otherwise, but I can't let it get to me, because as long as I am happy the way I am, then none of it matters.
I would tell myself that life gets better, it gets better every day, and that no matter how bad things seem, there's a light at the end of my dark dark tunnel.
I would tell myself that drugs aren't the answer to my problems, that I don't need to medicate myself to run away, that theres always someone I could talk to.
I would tell myself to focus on my studies, and not let anything get in the way of my passion and my future.
I would tell myself to take better care of myself, to spend more time working on how to feel better about myself, rather than how to get others to feel better about me.
I would tell myself that I am worth it, and that people are lucky to have me, not the other way around.
I would tell myself to not let people walk all over me, to be in charge of how i feel, what i do, and not let people pressure me into things.
But, I can't go back in time... can I?
If I went back in time and told myself all those things, then I wouldn't be who I am today.
If I had told myself that I was perfect the way I was, then I would have a bigger ego, I would be full of myself, I would have not been as modest, I wouldn't have learn't how to improve my self-esteem and self confidence.
If I warned myself about people bullying me, I would have avoided it, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am today, I wouldn't have been able to handle criticism and bad remarks as I can today.
If I knew life got better, I wouldn't have learned it on my own, and found the beauty in life through all the ugliness of my problems.
If I knew to never try drugs, I wouldn't have ever kicked them, and realized how strong and how much I can accomplish with determination.
If I knew to focus on my studies, I'd have never learn't how to be social, how to talk to people and to interact with unknown, to be outgoing and to never shy away from giving someone a smile.
If I knew to take better care of myself, I wouldn't have learned how to get out of a rut, how it feels to be emotionally and physically unstable, and then stabilize myself.
If I went back in time and then knew all these things, I would be a completely different person. I think instead of wishing to go back in time, I get the pleasure of having some crazy stories, some sad stories, and some stories of how I overcame the worst of times in my life.
I consider myself extremely lucky to have gone through so much shit (to my standards) and made it out alive. I am lucky because I experienced a lot and it'll help me through the rest of my life, and I'll be able to help and to relate with people who have gone through or are currently going through the same situations. I think that I am blessed to be able to say I went through hell and back, and I am so strong and grown up now.
I'd like to thank the people who stuck by my side and believed in me the whole way through, you are the reason I am still here today, and I couldn't have grown without you. Hope is so powerful, and once you know someone believes in you and has faith in you, it makes you determined to prove to those special and important people that you can overcome the bad.
thanks for listening. this one wasn't as good as the last, but it needed to be written.
love, jus
Saturday, December 7, 2013
on ditching
Well, I've found inspiration to write again.
As I sit in my house on my comfy bed, I think about how its Saturday night, the whole family is out, and I just got a text saying the person I'm supposed to see tonight is bailing on me.
Unfortunately, getting bailed on is a feeling im very familiar with. Lately, not a week has gone by where I haven't been ditched at least once, and it's quite hurtful. sure, I say "no problem, yeah another time" but on the inside, I feel like complete crap.
Maybe I was just raised this way, but I was always taught that when you make a commitment, any sort of plans, you stick to them (unless of course an emergency situation arises). If I were to cancel at all, it would be at least 2 or 3 days in advanced, so that said person has the time to figure out new plans. I just don't understand why people are so okay with just bailing on you when something better comes up. Am I the only person who gets ditched THIS MUCH? Like someone needs to tell me they're in the same situation as me, because it's getting really pathetic the amount of nights and days I spend alone because of someone bailing on me.
Is it me? I tend to ask myself that question a lot. What did I do that was so wrong, what's so bad about me that people feel the need to cancel on me right before plans? Or they just don't show up at all, and I'm left sitting there, waiting, hours passing by and I'm just sitting there staring out the window, expecting to see someone show up, and they never do.
Some say it's the friends I have; they're unreliable and I should be making new ones. I think that might be the truth. As I sit here in my bed, I notice how unreliable some of the people I know are, and how they cancel on me without apology, with a fake and stupid excuse. And then as angry and as hurt as I feel, I pull the "please don't do it again" and then forgive as if nothing happened. Part of me is scared to lose a friend over something so stupid like bailing. But at the same time it's not so stupid because it really hurts my feelings. I'd bet people didn't know every time I get ditched, I cry, a lot. I'm the kind of person who prepares, tries to look nice, gets snacks ready gets all this stuff ready hours before the plans actually happen, because I'm so excited for them. So you could imagine how stupid and taken for granted I feel when someone so easily just cancels, as if it never even mattered to them.
Some say to pull a revenge stunt, but I can't do that. I know how this terrible shitty feeling feels, and I can't bring myself to put anyone through that pain. Yeah, you think the way I'm explaining it makes it seem more dramatic than it is, but to me this is how it feels. It seems as though my whole life I've been peoples back up plan; once they find something better, they'll get rid of the plans with me, and to be honest its really uncool.
If they ditch me, they don't deserve to see me at all. If they can't keep plans with me, they clearly didn't care enough to see me. and then when they have the NERVE to tell me they miss me, I like to say "you clearly didn't miss me enough last friday when you bailed on our plans". Super duper UNCOOL dudes.
So I've made a decision, when you make plans with me, i'll be super up for it, but I'll do what I always do and say "please don't cancel last minute" and if you do, you've lost the privilege to spend time with me. See I don't care how egotistical this sounds, but I'm a really good person. I'm fun to be around, I'm funny at times, I try to be a good friend and person. I think that spending time with people that are good friends and good company isn't a given right, its special, and it's worth something. So, if you can't recognize that my time is worth something, then you don't get any of my time at all. I hope everyone who ditches me reads this, cause it's your last warning.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. It's time for me to stop letting people fool me again and again.
xoxo off to excersize and try to be skinny which is gona happen one day i think lol.
love, jus
As I sit in my house on my comfy bed, I think about how its Saturday night, the whole family is out, and I just got a text saying the person I'm supposed to see tonight is bailing on me.
Unfortunately, getting bailed on is a feeling im very familiar with. Lately, not a week has gone by where I haven't been ditched at least once, and it's quite hurtful. sure, I say "no problem, yeah another time" but on the inside, I feel like complete crap.
Maybe I was just raised this way, but I was always taught that when you make a commitment, any sort of plans, you stick to them (unless of course an emergency situation arises). If I were to cancel at all, it would be at least 2 or 3 days in advanced, so that said person has the time to figure out new plans. I just don't understand why people are so okay with just bailing on you when something better comes up. Am I the only person who gets ditched THIS MUCH? Like someone needs to tell me they're in the same situation as me, because it's getting really pathetic the amount of nights and days I spend alone because of someone bailing on me.
Is it me? I tend to ask myself that question a lot. What did I do that was so wrong, what's so bad about me that people feel the need to cancel on me right before plans? Or they just don't show up at all, and I'm left sitting there, waiting, hours passing by and I'm just sitting there staring out the window, expecting to see someone show up, and they never do.
Some say it's the friends I have; they're unreliable and I should be making new ones. I think that might be the truth. As I sit here in my bed, I notice how unreliable some of the people I know are, and how they cancel on me without apology, with a fake and stupid excuse. And then as angry and as hurt as I feel, I pull the "please don't do it again" and then forgive as if nothing happened. Part of me is scared to lose a friend over something so stupid like bailing. But at the same time it's not so stupid because it really hurts my feelings. I'd bet people didn't know every time I get ditched, I cry, a lot. I'm the kind of person who prepares, tries to look nice, gets snacks ready gets all this stuff ready hours before the plans actually happen, because I'm so excited for them. So you could imagine how stupid and taken for granted I feel when someone so easily just cancels, as if it never even mattered to them.
Some say to pull a revenge stunt, but I can't do that. I know how this terrible shitty feeling feels, and I can't bring myself to put anyone through that pain. Yeah, you think the way I'm explaining it makes it seem more dramatic than it is, but to me this is how it feels. It seems as though my whole life I've been peoples back up plan; once they find something better, they'll get rid of the plans with me, and to be honest its really uncool.
If they ditch me, they don't deserve to see me at all. If they can't keep plans with me, they clearly didn't care enough to see me. and then when they have the NERVE to tell me they miss me, I like to say "you clearly didn't miss me enough last friday when you bailed on our plans". Super duper UNCOOL dudes.
So I've made a decision, when you make plans with me, i'll be super up for it, but I'll do what I always do and say "please don't cancel last minute" and if you do, you've lost the privilege to spend time with me. See I don't care how egotistical this sounds, but I'm a really good person. I'm fun to be around, I'm funny at times, I try to be a good friend and person. I think that spending time with people that are good friends and good company isn't a given right, its special, and it's worth something. So, if you can't recognize that my time is worth something, then you don't get any of my time at all. I hope everyone who ditches me reads this, cause it's your last warning.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. It's time for me to stop letting people fool me again and again.
xoxo off to excersize and try to be skinny which is gona happen one day i think lol.
love, jus
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