im sitting here today, and im not in a great mood, im feeling pretty unconfident and shitty, and i just want to sleep you know? but my mom came to me and read this whole thing, and it sounded like a sixteen year olds writing, and it had my moms signature about a hundred times written on the back in different ways, and from seeing that I realized she had written it when she was younger, and it was a paper, for school i assume, just describing herself positively. When she finnished, she said "If I hadn't said it was mine, you'd think id be describing you" and that really made me think. BUT, i dont want to go off on some rant about how great I am, cause I know i'd be lying. but i think i wanna just say a few things i like about myself, because maybe its things that nobody else see's in me, but I see in myself, that i want to let out.
Firstly, appearance wise, I love my nose, i think its adorable. I like my eyes a lot, and i think my ears are a little big, but my earlobes are nice. I also like my neckline, and i think i have a nice chest, but im not going to go into detail about that. I like the way my shoulders look and the way the back of my neck leads to my back. I like my feet, but nobody elses!
Secondly, my personality. I think im hilarious, but nobody laughs at my jokes. I think im really generous and kind, but only to people who i believe deserves it. I think im like everybody else when it comes to wanting to fit in with their own crowd, but i refuse to sell myself out to hangout with certain people. I think im accepting of difference and i know im judgemental at first, but i believe i can be friends with anyone. I think im sweet and loving, and id give the shirt off my back for someone who needed it. Im ignorant, and sometimes i dont mind it, because the truths of the world would scare me too much.
And lastly, I think im talented. To some extent, im a horrible writer because I am hopeless with writing stories, articles are the death of me, but i can write an essay about something i understand, and i think i can blog, but maybe im crazy.
Its really hard to smile, when there is so much bad around me. yea, my parents have money, ive got a family that sticks together, i go on vacation and im in school and im not THAT dumb, but everyone has a story to tell, an unhappy one, and a happy one; and its hard to sit there and be a part of life with a smile on your face where there is so much to be sad about. You can't tell someone to focus on the happiness, because sometimes it feels like there is none, but you can try. I know it sounds ridiculous, even as writing this im saying i sound stupid and i should take my own advice, but im sitting here, thinking what the hell am I doing right now, and saying there must be something better than this, and im going to find out what that is.
Roussau once said "Man is born free, and forever he is in chains". Well, its the truth. feeling imprisoned in life is what life is about, we have al these laws and all these terrors in life, so how do we smile at those terrible times? my answer to that is simple, but crazy. JUST SMILE. dont overthink why you should smile, and what you should be happy about, just friggen do it! wish you were happy? then BE happy. you don't need a reason to smile, and yea you might look stupid, but you wont feel that way.
Last week, i promised myself I would tell myself out loud that i was beautiful every day, because when i said it in the mirror, i felt it. and guess what? I didn't do it, and the more i looked at myself and didnt say it, the less i felt it. and today, i told myself to be happy, and guess what? for no real reason, I became happier.
Happiness is just a feeling, don't overthink it and feel stupid about feeling it. Being happy is much easier than being sad. And while writing this blog, I went from sad to happy in just a few minutes.
love always,
Justine
