smileena, this is for you, so thankful that you care about my writing and look forward to my posts, mad love to you girl, you keep me young xoxox-
so,
been a while since i posted, and i keep saying at the end of my post that im going to write more, but fact of the matter is, its hard.
^ thats where i start. "its hard, i have no time". dudes, i got mad time. i watch mad netflix.
today feels different though. something about today makes me not want to sit around and be useless.
hey, i turned 21 on saturday, and it made me super happy, then pretty eh, then sad.
when i was a kid, i wrote, like i wrote stories beyond my wildest imagination. i was almost like an inventor; new ideas always cooking up in my head, trying all sorts of new and crazy things. I find that as we get older, and as we become more experienced with life, this beautiful blind optimism and innocence leaves. of course it does, because the world is an awful place with terrible humans, but when we're kids, we don't know, or we don't seem to care.
so i was thinking about what changed, what could have changed from childhood that made me so cynical, that made me not who i used to be. I mean yeah, im still me, but theres a lot missing, a lot of the beauty and quirkiness that made me.. well, me. had dissapeared. i spend so much time in my room living vicariously through the characters on my netflix binges. i cry and i laugh and i live along with them, and its beautiful, until the show ends, the credits role, and i close my computer, becoming instantaneously immersed into reality. its almost like when the sun shines in your eyes for the first time in a day, you want to put your hands over your eyes and squint, and tell someone to put the brightness away, you want to crawl back in your hole and be alone a few more minutes. well, when i realized how much this had become my life, i wanted it to stop, i still do want it to stop. I still bingewatch netflix-lets be real- i missed the old justine.
the breakup has had a tole on me man, that was my first realization, so i stopped stalking old ex's (WE ALL DO IT AFTER A BREAKUP DONT JUDGE ME) and seeing how great their lives were, and i started focusing on how great my life was, is, and will be. Yesterday, i was with my friends and one of them said that we've seen eachother so much in the past little while. Since January, I've spent so much time with my girl friends. I don't know if you know this, (maybe from old blog posts -reference "the turning point in my life" i believe- , or just me if you know me) but i was never a girly girl. I never had a lot of girl-friends, besides the odd ones, and never had that tight knit group. well i did, but they were mostly guys. still, i find myself spending more time fucking around with the guys then doing... girl things (?) with the girls. but for the last few years my life, after high school(besides the guy i was dating, cause i dont want it to come off like he was the fault of me being fucked- just self issues) our lives had all been very tough. all of us, my best friends. all in their own way needed eachother, and we started to get closer and closer. I am proud and honored to mention my three best friends jess caitie and cara. since january those girls have been my life, we see eachother at least once a week, and usually more. I love them to death, and they keep me sane.
- -- - - -- -- - side note that could be why i havent written as much, i got them :$ -
omg realization okay guys lightbulb.
I write to complain right? right.
well, most girls compalin to their friends, and i feel like now i finally have these girls and we all talk mad shit and like hate everyone but we love everyone but we just are so close its amazing, i never need to complain because i dump my shit on them, and they do the same. They will never know, ever, how much i appreciate them, and love them, no matter how many times i say it, type it, anything, it doesnt amount to half the love and respect and just compassion i have for those three girls.
What im realizing is that the old you never really goes away, i mean i wrote about what i knew when i was a kid, and that was fairytales about princesses who didnt know they were going to worlds of candy and meeting interesting folk on the way, traveling in sneaker shaped cars and such, but now i write about what i know, and thats true friendship and comfort where I am.
I miss writing, once i get started, i can never stop. 21 is going to be an interesting year, but i think its the year i want to take to grow up. to stop leaving my room a mess every day (that aint gona happen), to work out and be healthy not to lose weight but to feel good, to go on more adventures (omg i have to post my other post - its in my drafts that just reminded me), to meet more people so i can write about it all. most of all, i wanna do something beautiful in Israel. I can't wait to post pictures and write about my adventures and post them here for you guys to see. (if there are readers.... IM LOOKING AT U SMILEENA I KNOW U READ DIS :p )
xo - jus
