today i was looking at myself in the mirror, thinking about this summer, thinking about my last year of high school and first year of cegep, thinking about my first job and my first real broken heart, and I asked myself the question "would twelve year old me be impressed with who i am today?" and i came up with an answer, and its NOOOOOOOOOO.
lets start off with the things i was hoping to accomplish by the time i turned eighteen that i didn't accomplish:
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd already have written a book, I knew what it was going to be about and everything, and i wanted so desperately to have that done, and it didnt happen.
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd have already moved out, obviously i was young and didn't realize that money is an issue and i wouldn't be able to afford it, so i didnt.
i had always promised myself that when i was 18 i'd have already gotten married. obvvviiioouuussslllyyy i didn't realize that 18 is a little young to get married and start having kids and junk, so that never happened.
now, lets go to the things i never wanted to do and that i ended up doing:
i had always promised myself that throughout my teenage years i would be the small percentage who never tried drugs or any kind of smoking, look at me now.
i had always promised myself that i wouldn't have lost my virginity before i dated a guy for two years, and we all know that it didn't happen.
i had always promised myself that i would never let a guy get away with treating me badly, and i've let countless guys treat me the way i didn't deserve to be treated.
i had always promised myself that i would never let my appearance change the way i feel about myself, unfortunately, that never happened and appearances almost defined me.
i had always promised myself that i would never hurt myself to change the way i look, and that happened too
to be honest, when i was twelve years old i didn't know how much i didn't know about everything, and i don't understand how i've learnt and lived and experienced so much in six years.
twelve year old me would look at me now and laugh, because when i was twelve, i was a girl who never cared what she looked like, wasn't afraid to scuff up her pants and wear black and blue, i wasn't concerned with what other people said about me and i knew how to have fun alone in the school yard because i didn't care if i had friends or not. when i was twelve i had dreams and hopes and faith, so much faith. i was confident and i was happy to be alive.
so maybe if i was the way i wanted to be i would be a positive confident girl who never smoked and never did anything bad, who would be already married living in my own place with a book written. a little high expectations don't you think?
but if i ended up the way i wanted to be id also have a tattoo of spongebob on my shoulder, i would live for back street boys, i would still have that stupid short hair jew fro thing i had going on before, id just be horrific to be honest.
you know what? now that im 18, i wished the twelve year old me was different, and the twelve year old me probably wishes the eighteen year old turned out differently, but the fact is i am the way i am, and i might as well accept it rather than dwell on the past. because maybe i can be that twelve year old again, the good parts though; not caring what people think, dressing however i want to dress, not being afraid to get a little dirty here and then, and to never be afraid of my feelings.
yes, the twelve year old me would look at me right now and be unimpressed, but then again, it doesn't matter what other people (or other versions of me in this case) think about me. doesn't matter if the twelve year old me is unimpressed,what matters the most is that the eighteen year old me looks in the mirror and is impressed.
thanks fo listening <3 p="p">love always,
eighteen year old justine.
